Please help!!! So confused

[crackerjack63]

Hi, hope this is okay to post, I'm new to this site but a friend suggested it to me for support so here goes. I'm 33yrs old & just over 3 months pregnant with my long term partner of 11yrs. I have never wanted children, had a very bad up bringing with my own parents which resulted in me going in & out of care. My mum is a full blown alcoholic & I have nothing to do with my dad. I had a physcotic breakdown over 4yrs ago & I also suffer with mental health issues. When I found out I'm pregnant I felt so numb, I have met with the midwife who was lovely but again I felt so numb. I am so scared that I am going to mess this child's life up & wont love him or her. I have no maternal instinct at all & I just feel I won't be able to cope at all. My first instinct was to have an abortion & that is still in the back of my mind. I'm suffering with really bad morning sickness & have also gained weight! Struggling to hide the fact I'm pregnant & so scared. Really just don't know what is normal & what isn't. I don't have any close friends who I can talk to without feeling ashamed. I feel I should be over the moon but I'm just not. I'm sorry to go on, it feels easier to write how I'm feeling that having to actually talk face to face to someone. Would really appreciate any help, advice!

[Lovemylittlebear]

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed - you feel how you feel and that's ok - you can't control your feelings and it will only make you feel worse to try and control something you essentially don't have any control over. I would suggests you ask for a referral to the midwives that specialise in mental health. I believe it is called prahms or something like that. Also it would be a really good idea to get a referral for good psychological input (like a psychologist trained in CBT and ACT). It is your normal to feel how you are feeling right now and that is ok. It's normal again with your past and everything else to have the concerns and mixed emotions. A good psychologist will help you talk through all of this and feel more OK about it and work out what is important to you (eg not messing up your kids - which appears to be a worry or not being maternal) and again work out strategies so that you parent in a positive way that you are happy and comfortable with (even if your emotions stay mixed). I know a very good private one I have used from personal experience and I can highly recommend her if you were interested. She does skypes. X

[crackerjack63]

Thank you so much for your reply Lovemylittlebear, it has helped just knowing its okay to feel the way i do. I am going to speak with the mental health team tomorrow & also my midwife & see if i can be put in touch with someone who can help me work through my worries, emotions and pure fears. Thank you again for taking the time to reply to me! i

[Blueroses99]

There is help out there, it should hopefully provide the support that you need. If something doesn't work for you, don't be afraid to ask to see someone else. You've been through so much already and you can ask for help when you need it.