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considering termination, pls help

(67 Posts)
TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:27:58

Hi all

I'm at a loss, I don't know where else to turn.

I'm 15 weeks and have been SO happy about this planned pregnancy, but this week a stark realisation has been laid out and I'm crying all the time. The baby's father is a gay friend who donated sperm under the terms that he is not expected to contribute etc in any way, this was MY dream. 21yrs to 31yrs I have had no relationships, no sex, possibly due to childhood trauma, so "waiting for a man" was/is not an option. I was sure I could do this alone, always wanted a family, tough and resilient, but I'm simply not going to be able to afford this child and I'm heartbroken to think that the best thing might be termination. For mine and the baby's sake.

Carrying on would change my life from professional, London 31 year old...to unemployed, single before I'm likely to get council help. Plus universal credit is "much less generous and rolling out to you in a year if not before, so you will have quite a bit to make up shortfall". FROM WHERE? My borough and all around won't even pay my full rent as it is, and I will "have to be homeless" with my newborn, cat, furniture, possessions etc before I'm likely to get council help. Plus universal credit is ""much less generous and rolling out to you in a year if not before, so you will have quite a bit to make up shortfall...". From where? Not to mention the latest cuts in the news. I could move elsewhere outside London, but don't have money to move, what little help i have is here, and frankly who will take a single pregnant woman with a cat about to go on DSS?

There is no chance of family help, no chance of fathers help.

I am so ready for a child in all other ways and if I had a million quid I'd do it in a second. But how can I carry on, knowing I will struggle to put food on the table for years? Possibly their whole life? Forget buying a house, forget a career, much less working full time at a job that can work around school hours and that will pay what I need.

I have a good job now, but cannot afford to go back even part time because of child care costs.

I spoke briefly to parents about the situation after learning all the financial details are changing drastically from what I initially counted on, and they said "well, you wanted to be in this position...". I didn't even tell them I'm considering abortion.

No, I don't want to be in this position, big benefit changes have happened, scuppering my chance to even get started, and telling me I asked for this doesn't help me when I'm between such a terrible rock and hard place. I can't stop crying and can't seem to be calm enough to decide without hormones interfering.

I feel ashamed, and deep sadness that what started as a dream has now come crashing down.

Never expected to have to live forever on benefits, I wanted to go back to work when possible and make my own way again. Now I can't even get through my maternity leave without becoming homeless.

I don't know what to do.

Thatwaslulu Fri 04-Nov-16 22:31:59

Why would you have to be unemployed? Are you working currently? Could you not take maternity leave and then return to work?

Thatwaslulu Fri 04-Nov-16 22:32:43

Just saw the sentence about childcare. Could you go back part time, or work flexibly from home?

geradine Fri 04-Nov-16 22:32:54

Can you change your entire life? Move somewhere cheaper? Different job, different career? If you want this baby, you don't need to terminate the pregnancy. You sound very low and emotional, seeing your GP about your mood might be a good place to start? Sorry you're feeling so terrible.

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:34:28

I also just realised that the text is all cut and pasted in a weird way so doesn't make much sense...sorry

ferriswheel Fri 04-Nov-16 22:37:14

Can you move somewhere much more affordable? Out in the sticks. Cheaper rent etc. Would that be a start? Or to Scotland or Wales? Would you get a different alliance then?

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:37:26

No chance to work from home, and even part time would mean I'm "not eligible for benefits" enough to cover my rent and bills etc. Plus child care...

I do want this but I am terrified of becoming homeless, losing all my things, my cat, and the charity professional told me it's likely, but that after (!) I might get help. I don't want this baby at that kind of cost, which ultimately will put them I'm a position of massive poverty from birth sad

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:39:46

I have no money or resources to move away, and all my friends (who I'll no doubt need) are here. I'd be forcing myself into utter isolation and I have suffered from mental health issues in the near past I fear what that would do.

Haffdonga Fri 04-Nov-16 22:41:16

What about maternity leave? Part time work? Nanny shares or au pairs? Free nursery hours?

It's tough but manageable. Thousands have managed before you. If you want this baby then you can manage too.

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:43:43

I need to speak to someone I agree, but the figures are there, and mmmaternity is standard 139.93, my rent won't be paid in full, I have nearly £200 coming out per month from a loan I had to take out a couple of years ago... Basically I'd be evicted and homeless and bankrupt within 2-3 months because there is simply not enough money. It's so frustrating

cantmakeme Fri 04-Nov-16 22:44:00

Won't your tax credits cover childcare? Mine did, until my DD started school last year.

It's your decision of course, but I think if you're excited about your baby you will regret a termination.

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:45:27

Haffdonga I try to remind myself that, but I just don't see allowing myself to become rock bottom very responsible, if I can avoid it. Especially with a child to care for sad

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:48:03

No, the helpline (Gingerbread) said that new cuts and the universal credit introduction in my area (ie they're scrapping individual benefits like working tax, income support etc) will not cover much. I would have been fine on the old system of benefits from my calculations.

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:54:15

Perhaps this really is just nerves, antenatal depression and hormones. I just can't tell, I've never done this before. Money trouble with seemingly not enough help is terrifying.

I will speak to my midwife next week.

Thank you all for your thoughts

FookinHell Fri 04-Nov-16 23:05:06

I'm confused why you didn't consider all the financial implications before getting pregnant? Getting yourself into a good financial position like buying a house, putting savings aside (instead of having a loan to pay off), these things should have been priority since you made a conscious decision to get pregnant in an unnatural way.

Having a baby is not like buying a dream home or a dream car. Its a tiny human being that you will be solely responsible for, for his every single need. And it's not easy. I have 3 of them.

I'm sorry that this is harsh, but you've made a stupid decision. The reality is, as a single parent it's tough - physically emotionally mentally and financially. And you've already had MH issues. Why didn't you wait to meet someone and start a family?

To save your struggles im swaying towards abortion. I'm sorry that's probably not what you want to hear. But it's bloody hard work raising children, I fear for your health and wellbeing as well as the baby's.

ferriswheel Fri 04-Nov-16 23:14:13

Fook

Op wants a baby. Thats why.

Op. Okay, so what is the very worst case scenario and what can you imagine doing to improve the situation?

It is obviously up to you but I think you should continue your pregnancy.

Haffdonga Fri 04-Nov-16 23:24:49

Fook she explained on her first post why she didn't wait to meet someone and that this is a wanted and planned pregnancy.

I am very pro choice but when a pregnancy was planned and hoped for and initially the mother is SO happy, then termination doesn't seem like the choice that she deep down wants to make and telling her that she should have one seems incrediby callous.

OP it does sound like anxieties or depression may be having an effect. Do talk to your GP.

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:27:04

I understand what you're saying but if you read fully you'd see that "waiting for a man" was not an option, and that doesn't mean I can't have a family. Whats different from women who's partner left they could still easily find themselves here.

I had planned it out financially and health wise for months (and in my head years) BEFORE I conceived and it worked out fine, again I wrote above that it has all changed in terms of allowances which now destroy it completely. I also had an offer of small help from parents to top up which has since been rescinded.

I'm not asking if I'll be a good enough mother in general, I guess I'm asking should I continue now that things have changed quite dramatically. And if I should let that get in the way or do my best to make do...somehow

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:31:29

Ferriswheel and Haffdonga yes you're both totally right, I will seek help asap because even reading this all on "paper" is helping me to see that there is a huge element of panic involved.

I have always always wanted a family, I come from a good one I'm lucky, and I have a wonderful niece and nephew who cemented it for me.

Perhaps things will change again and things will be smoother.

MouseLove Fri 04-Nov-16 23:32:16

So you were banking on gov help? I'm sorry hunny but that isn't the right way to do it.

I think you are panicking. And that isn't necessary. You wanted this baby enough to do it alone, surely you want it enough to fight for it. Please don't give up on it because you're scared you'll loose your cat or won't be able to afford your rent. You're a single person so yes you will be given help. If you earned that much that you didn't get any help then surely you have some savings? Enough for you to have 6 month maternity leave??

It's very hard for me to not understand why you wouldn't move heaven and earth for this little one you are growing. I'd give ANYTHING for that chance.

EstelleRoberts Fri 04-Nov-16 23:37:11

It's natural at this stage in pregnancy to be feeling daunted, and changes to your financial situation are a big blow. However, you really want this baby, and I think you would regret a termination.

I can completely understand your worries about money. However, you will be able to find a way. Don't forget, there are free nursery hours from 3 ( and maybe earlier in some circumstances?), and then your child will go to school. The amount of time you may not be able to afford childcare in able to work would be relatively short. It seems crazy - and so sad - for you to abort a much-loved baby on that basis.

Try to think laterally about how you can change your life to get through the early years, while money is tight. As pp said, can you move to a cheaper area? Could you move in with your parents for a while? Could you team up with another mum and take turns to mind each other's children while one mum works? Can you change jobs to do something where there is an onsite crèche? Can you do something from home in the evening while your child sleeps? Or in the day while you share childcare with another mum?

Maybe if you explain a little more about your career background, qualifications, talents etc people on here could help with further suggestions.

Where there's a will there's a way.

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:39:26

I think I would too after reading all my thoughts.

Yes, I banked on short term help, I have worked 6-7 days a week in 2-3 jobs since I was 18 (now 31) I can assure you I'm not work shy in the slightest.

Perhaps I should have left London earlier, I have not been able to gather much in the way of savings as I've been in the same full time job 8 years (topped up with PT jobs), but their wage increases have been consistently (and for all) very very small. Definitely my fault to have stayed.

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:44:09

EstelleRoberts thank you for helping me look at it objectively. I work in medical publishing full time for 8 years, there are limited jobs in this field outside London I have looked, but I can also work in marketing, all customer service, I make jewellery at home when I can, bars, shops, telesales. I've done whatever I Vann to make ends meet for 12 years here, I can do this too smile

sj257 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:46:25

I am fairly sure that most people have wobbles somewhere along in their pregnancy. I know I have had some moments where I have thought we aren't possibly going to be able to cope. I think sometimes the worry is even more if the child was planned as you have more feelings of guilt!

A friend who had an abortion told me when I was a scared and pregnant 18 year old that I needed to think carefully because not many people regret having a baby, but plenty regret having an abortion. That's always stuck in my mind and helped me realise I could have my baby.

I have to say as well, regarding benefits etc. Nobody can tell you exactly what you will get until you apply for them. You're only getting estimated figures and guesses at the moment. You should get help with childcare enabling you to go back to work at some point as you are single. You can do this, I know you can. It won't be easy but then nothing rewarding ever is x

TTC1985 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:50:31

sj257 thanks so much for the sobering thoughts, I do want this baby I always have, and you're spot on I feel worse because I DID plan and it's all fallen apart despitemy best efforts.

Thank you to all for helping me I feel much calmer even after this short time chatting. And in the calmness I remember why I did this in the first place and all I've achieved in live so far through sheer will and hard work. I think I can make this work too.

After all, the baby will be much loved regardless, that will not change even if finances have.

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