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Reluctant and regretful pregnancy

(13 Posts)
OKifimust Fri 28-Oct-16 10:48:31

Hi team. I am in early pregnancy (7 weeks). I am in a quandary of confusing feelings and hoping someone else out there feels the same, has experienced the same feelings or has some advice to help me to come to terms with things.

I have never felt the need to create my own spawn. I cannot for the life of me make myself want to create my own offspring. It's like that was left out of my nature. I cannot comprehend why people want to do it. I am glad for those people that want and love and make it work. I see how happy it makes them.

However my husband has always been keen on having a family. We were open with one another from the beginning of our relationship (we've been together over a decade) and when he asked me to marry him my answer was 'but I don't think I want children' and he said he would accept only me.

Anyway, it came back on the agenda as I am now nearing my mid-30s. We started talking about it more and kind of testing out the idea with each other. It kind of became 'normalised' as something in our future. I now feel like I've lost myself or that I allowed myself to be brain washed in a way, not by him but by society, by the pressure heaped on women and how we OUGHT to need to be mothers. I feel like I've 'gone along with it' for him, because it's what you do, because a lot of my friends are now parents and yet I feel totally at a loss as to why in one moment of madness (this pregnancy is a one shot wonder) I went along with it, fully knowing the possible consequences and as such I feel like I have made my own bed and I have to proceed with the pregnancy. Therefore I am cross with myself, with only myself to blame. I am not excited. I am not happy about it. I feel strangely detached from the whole thing (except for when I'm puking or laid up in bed from the sickness). The doctor asked me how I felt and I said 'well, it's a fact'. I've had one person, when I voiced that I was unsure about it, say 'well there are plenty of people who can't get pregnant so you should be grateful'.

I have no ill feelings towards the child, I do not resent it, I do not hold any feelings of dislike towards it. This is somehow about my reaction to it. It is about my acceptance of change, or about my life changing, that I went along with something or wasn't strong enough to stick to my guns.

Am I alone?

Lottapianos Fri 28-Oct-16 10:53:07

Hi OP, you are not alone. I hear what you say about feeling brainwashed and about the pressure on women to become mothers. Its not the right decision for everyone. Not everyone has the desire to become a mother and that's perfectly fine.

Do you feel that you can talk to your husband about how you are feeling? It must be utterly miserable to be pregnant when you don't want to be and to be feeling ill on top of it. This is your body, your life, your choice but I do think you should talk to your husband about how you are feeling, if you feel that you can.

You do not have to go through with this pregnancy, and with everything that comes after, if you don't want to

Cakescakescakes Fri 28-Oct-16 10:58:02

I had no bond whatsoever with my babies while I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant - I was sick and miserable. And once they were born it took me a couple of months to actually feel like I loved them. ( I was never a maternal person) .

But NOW... I would absolutely throw myself in front of a bus in a heartbeat for either of them. They are incredible. Hard work yes, often tedious yes, but amazing.

TabbyTurmoil Fri 28-Oct-16 11:18:35

If it helps, I'm 7 weeks pregnant with what I hope will be my second child, planned and wanted, and still feel no connection to the pregnancy (yet) and totally ambivalent about the way it would (all being well) affect our family life and my relationship with my PFB

I think it's par for the course tbh. I had a couple of scares early on with my DC and was terrified but in a very abstract way - I couldn't have said I loved the baby although I felt very responsible for it.

Penelopeontherun Fri 28-Oct-16 13:06:16

I'm in my second trimester and have felt very similar feelings to the ones you're describing. I'd say that DH was keener on having a family than I was, and like you it happened very quickly once we decided to try.

It might help if you work out whether this is your normal reaction to change, or whether you genuinely think you've made the wrong choice. For me, I tend to overanalyse and panic about every decision. But I've found that I'm usually happy in hindsight that I've taken the leap - whatever that is. The fact you've previously been discussing having a family with your DH is a good sign - it's not a complete bolt from the blue, even if it feels like it now.

Also remember your body is going through big changes, and that can make you feel out of control. For me, the twelve week scan plus a couple of extra scans we paid for helped me to feel happier about the pregnancy, and made baby feel more real rather than some sort of abstract stranger.

Penfold007 Fri 28-Oct-16 13:23:59

OP do you actually want a child? I'm not trying to be goady I just know I couldn't put myself through a pregnancy and a lifetime of parenting for a child I didn't want.

Trifleorbust Fri 28-Oct-16 15:21:19

I don't see why everyone needs to be delighted about pregnancy. I suspect you will love your child - most people do. Stop putting pressure on yourself, it is what it is.

lljkk Fri 28-Oct-16 15:27:27

do U really want baby/child? Everything OP wrote says NO.
There R already too many unwanted children in the world.

If OP was contemplating getting a puppy with those statements, she'd get screeched at by MNers not to do it.

Lottapianos Fri 28-Oct-16 15:33:31

'If OP was contemplating getting a puppy with those statements, she'd get screeched at by MNers not to do it.'

That is very true

OP, how are you feeling?

OKifimust Fri 28-Oct-16 15:57:33

Thank you! My grandmother and mother both felt the same and yet the family lives on! I don't know what that says about the female line!

OKifimust Fri 28-Oct-16 15:59:26

lljkk/Lottapianos - I think if I knew the answer to this question and the answer was yes, then I would not have been compelled to ask how other people have felt about it or how they managed it.

OKifimust Fri 28-Oct-16 16:06:21

Penelopeontherun - Thank you for your comment.

Perhaps you and I are the similar. My husband has often pushed for things which I had never imagined for myself and so far they've been pretty good decisions; getting married, buying a property. I think I skipped imagining for myself what other people count as fundamental parts of life.

I'm being very open with my husband who is letting me talk and panic and procrastinate even when the outcome seems rather inevitable.

As Trifleorbust said, not everyone leaps from the rooftops when they become pregnant. Maybe I will get used to the idea in the coming days and weeks.

EatSleepTeachRepeat Fri 28-Oct-16 16:14:38

Hi OP,

I certainly understand your feelings, you're definitely not alone.
I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant, my DH was 30. I was in denial for weeks, hid my morning sickness etc. He was delighted from the moment he found out.
I felt so much pressure to keep the baby and continue with the pregnancy for him, and us in a way.

My DS is now 7 and as PP have said I would do anything for him, he has very much slotted into my life and we are a perfect fit, I am no longer with his dad and do sometimes think "what if..." But the whole experience has made me a better person and I've had to work much harder to achieve my goals which has been tough but satisfying.

I am glad I had him, but it took a while.

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