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Positive advice needed! 2 potential fathers so confused :( :(

(43 Posts)
Jmarie2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 09:05:33

Hi everyone this is my first post so apologies if it's in the wrong place..

To cut a long story short my LMP was 10th September. That weekend I had 'full sex' with my long term partner everyday, then again the following weekend of the 16th September everyday.

However the week following on the 23rd, I had sex with A another. He did not come inside of me. (Sorry-TMI!!)

I then went back to my partner the following week of the 30th. So that leaves me with one week possibility where the baby could be A another's.

My LMP calculates that the baby was likely to be conceived on the weekend I spent with A another. So I went for a scan and (naughtily) never told them my LMP thinking they'd base my conception on the size of the baby???

This puts me at 6w+3 which falls between two weekends I spent with my partner. How accurate is this? Because I was on my period for the first weekend can I conceive then? Does the early dating scan automatically add 2 weeks of pregnancy and I'm actually only 4W+3? Or does that only count if you calculate from LMP?

I am so ashamed and upset with myself for this issue and I really have no idea what to do or anyone to turn to sad if anyone has any advice I'd be so grateful sad

Thank you, J x

Christinedonna Fri 28-Oct-16 09:10:54

The fact is you're not going to be 100% without a DNA test. Unless you and OH are white and A Another is not, that may be a clue but atleast not until birth. You're going to have to tell them both. I do feel for you. Luckily it was round the time my DD was born but I also have before found myself in a situation where I thought "if I were pregnant now, I wouldn't know who's it was" everyone makes mistakes, not all people have a pregnancy to highlight there's but just because you do doesn't make you a bad person. Be strong

Christinedonna Fri 28-Oct-16 09:11:49

luckily it wasn't around the time sorry.

CauliflowerSqueeze Fri 28-Oct-16 09:13:01

This is the script from Bridget Jones's baby.

Christinedonna Fri 28-Oct-16 09:14:50

Oh. That joke was wasted on me then blush

FaithAscending Fri 28-Oct-16 09:15:34

Hi, I'm Faith. Sorry you're in this position. It must be very stressful.

How long is your usual cycle? And when did you get your positive pregnancy test? The pregnancy dating is always with two weeks added (anticipated time from your period to conception). It's a difficult one to call. I doubt very much you conceived on your period (although it's not impossible it's unlikely).

So going by cycle days rather than dates, you were with your partner on CD1, 2, 7 and 30. You were with A CD14. In terms of dates, it's most likely to be A (unless you ovulated early or late - I'm pretty certain our DD was conceived CD10). However it's far more likely to be your DP if you were having full sex with him. Did you use any contraception?

FaithAscending Fri 28-Oct-16 09:16:32

Oh, I haven't seen it! blush

ICuntSeeYourPoint Fri 28-Oct-16 09:19:54

If your dating scan said 6+3 they mean from your Lmp (as calculated from the size of the baby). But implantation can take anywhere between about 6-13 days I think, which I suppose might affect how big the baby is at that stage (or would it? I'm not medical, obviously)! I think with the dates of possible conception that close you probably can't know without a dna test. Does your dp know you're pregnant? Or that he may not be the biological father? I think the longer you wait to tell him, the more difficult and hurtful it will be. X

Inthenick Fri 28-Oct-16 09:22:51

Hi J, the dating scan won't really be accurate (ish) till about 12 weeks so you can't go by an early scan when your margin of error is so small between the two men.

Judging by a normal cycle, I think the baby is most likely A's.

I think the best thing to do is to plan to have this baby as a single mother (if you wish to continue with the pregnancy) and tell both partners the truth now with a plan to do a DNA test when the baby is born. If it's what you want, maybe your partner will stand by you regardless but you do owe him the truth.

BastardGoDarkly Fri 28-Oct-16 09:23:42

Had you spilt up from your DP when you slept with the other bloke? If so, it'll be less traumatic to tell him there's a chance it's not his, which is what you must do.

I'm sorry, must be stressful.

Jmarie2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 09:27:45

Thank you for all of your advice, and thank you Christinedonna although I feel like the worst person on the planet sad

My partner knows I am pregnant but not that it couldn't be his. He came to the scan yesterday and after hearing 6w+2 he put the dates together and assumed we conceived the weekend after my period.

Jmarie2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 09:29:36

I had also split from my partner that week as we have been very on and off due to his anger issues and occasional violent outbreaks sad although that is no excuse so I didn't want to cloud anyone's judgement of me

Jmarie2016 Fri 28-Oct-16 09:33:21

Hi Faith,

We weren't using any contraception. And yes those dates are correct.

My cycle is usually 30 days but I have no idea when I ovulate as I have never tried to become pregnant. The other guy is 100% certain he had self control and knows he didn't 'come' inside of me. Although very small, I know you can still fall pregnant from the withdrawal method. However with my partner we didn't use contraception and he certainly did finish inside, and on many occasions.

I'm just absolutely gutted sad I'm 23 and do not know how I will bring a baby up alone. I wish I'd never gotten myself into this situation now but this isn't the baby's fault and I need to be honest for the sake of the baby.

AllStar14 Fri 28-Oct-16 09:37:54

I have been in this situation, I told them both the truth and when the baby was born a DNA confirmed who the father was. You have to be honest from the start, I think it's almost impossible to say for sure based on dates and early scans.

Cluesue Fri 28-Oct-16 09:39:33

I got pregnant by a partner who did not ejaculate inside me,so can happen sorry

BastardGoDarkly Fri 28-Oct-16 09:43:30

Do you really want to bring a child up with a violent man? Do you even want to be with a violent man?! flowers

WeArePregnant11 Fri 28-Oct-16 09:44:45

So, this is obviously difficult.

However, your safety is the most important thing here. You say he's violent... Could you maybe tell him in a café? A park? And not when you 2 are alone in an apartment or something?

ICuntSeeYourPoint Fri 28-Oct-16 16:57:22

Talk to Women's Aid. Nobody should be in a violent relationship, and certainly not with a child (whether he's the father or not).

manhowdy Sat 29-Oct-16 05:48:17

Do you want this baby?

Controversial but.....you are young and in a relationship with a violent man. Chances are it will only get worse, especially if paternity is an issue. There's always the option to abort and if you act quickly it could be managed with pills. It will appear just like a miscarriage. Then get rid of boyfriend and move on with your life. Have a baby later on with a nice, loving man.

Sorry if this post upsets you but it's meant from a good place flowers

BastardGoDarkly Sat 29-Oct-16 05:52:55

You alright love? You've got choices yes, and we're here to talk to, if you need.

Jmarie2016 Sat 29-Oct-16 09:43:53

Thanks for all of your messages. I decided to spend a few days away alone relaxing while I figured all of this out sorry for the late reply!

Abortion isn't really something I'd like to do as I had a termination on the advice of my doctor with my partner of 5 years due to an abnormal twin pregnancy at 19 and it ruined my life sad I have never been the same since. Although I'm not naive or silly I can see why it would or could be an option.

He is violent and has outbreaks where he has smashed my house up, belittled me and gotten in my face. I think as far as physical violence goes he has 'only' ever shoved me. A mistake? Can someone's behaviour like this be rectified?

I really appreciate all of your thoughts on this as I'm at a loss xxx

Nikki2ol6 Sat 29-Oct-16 11:54:45

My partner didn't cum inside me either... and I'm lying here almost 31 weeks. The pull out method doesn't always work. I'd say it's the other mans as sperm can live 3 days inside of you and going by your dates and your scan it adds upto the other man

CastleFeck Sat 29-Oct-16 12:13:29

Op I'm sorry you're in this situation.

You shouldn't be with a violent man. Have you got family or friends to support you? A baby will not improve your relationship or this mans temper.

Inthenick Sat 29-Oct-16 12:34:00

No OP, I'm sorry but that behaviour can't be rectified. That is the straight and honest answer.

FaithAscending Sat 29-Oct-16 12:36:39

He's only ever shoved you? Firstly, any violence is unacceptable. Secondly, he's only shoved you..so far. Abusive behaviour tends to get worse when the woman is pregnant. Please, please get yourself away from this man. Imagine how you'd feel if he shoved your child? Or hurts you while you're pregnant?

OP it might be worth asking MNHQ to move this to 'Relationships' where it'll be seen by a lot more posters who are able to give sound advice about relationships. I can ask if you like?

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