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My partner says he doesn't want our baby

(66 Posts)
aspascia Wed 26-Oct-16 09:24:03

Hi, need some advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar ...

I'm 38 and 7+5 with my first. My partner of ten years and I have been TTC since April. I told him a few years ago I wanted kids but it's taken him a while to come around to the idea and to be ready (I've waited very patiently all this time!). Recently we'd had many conversations about babies and having a family, we stopped using contraception, and he seemed totally on board. I got pregnant a lot more quickly than I expected but I was over the moon and thought he would be too. When I told him he was subdued but seemed happy about it. Yesterday we had an argument during which he said some horrible things, including accusing me of "deliberately" getting pregnant to fit in with some "plan" I'm supposed to have had, that it's all about me and he's just tagging along for the ride, and that he doesn't want the baby - that broke my heart. He said he's not ready and "maybe next year or some time in the future". Now he's not speaking to me - he's skulking around as if I've done something terrible to him. I just don't know what to do. He's a very selfish and self-centred person generally, but I really thought we were in this together and now I just feel completely shell-shocked. I don't want to terminate as he suggested because this may be my last chance to become a mum, and it would destroy our relationship anyway as I would resent him. But I can't be a single parent if he decides he really doesn't want this. Has anyone else had a partner behave like this? Is it just cold feet? I'm just feeling so confused and alone right now.

quicklydecides Wed 26-Oct-16 09:28:01

This panic is very very common. The good men stay quiet about it and it quickly passes.
The dick heads say it out loud and ruin their partners pregnancy.
Congratulations on your baby and good luck it all goes well, it's still early days.
Pity about your selfish prick of a man though....

Zippidydoodah Wed 26-Oct-16 09:28:19

What a twat.

It does take some getting used to, though, the idea of being pregnant...if you're sure he wanted a baby (or seemed to) then he will come around.

In the meantime, I recommend steeliness. We wanted a baby, baby is coming, now deal with it! If he can't step up then you don't need him.

Congratulations! flowers

Lweji Wed 26-Oct-16 09:28:58

And congratulations on the pregnancy.

I haven't been in the same situation, but this would end the relationship for me.
Then I'd decide if I was keeping the baby or not.
What I'd definitely not keep was the partner. That was awful behaviour from him, and don't kid yourself that he'll ever agree to a baby.

mudandmayhem01 Wed 26-Oct-16 09:33:59

Of course it was deliberate, you had many discussions and decided to ttc. He is probably in panic mode. Give him a chance to get used to the idea of being a father and if that doesn't work come back here and talk about the joys and tribulations of going it alone.

Kittenrush Wed 26-Oct-16 09:39:56

totally agree it's probably the panic and he will settle down. However you most certainly can do this alone if that's what you chose to do. So many do and there's plenty in place to support you smile believe in yourself even if he doesn't! Xxx

FlappyRose Wed 26-Oct-16 09:46:10

Why do you feel you couldn't be a single parent?

Nikki2ol6 Wed 26-Oct-16 09:50:24

My partner did with our first but we had only been together 5 weeks and it was not planned what so ever. So when I told him he seamed ok but after a week we had an argument and he said he wasn't ready to be a dad and he walked out the house...... I sat all day thinking what would I possibly do!! He came bk drunk that night and said sorry then spewed all over! The next day he told me how scared he was and told me he had a baby in the past who died soon after birth due to her lungs not developing and he was terrified. I forgave him and tbet was a few more times he freaked out during the pregnancy but all in all it went well and we had a little boy at 38 weeks and he's so close to him and a very good dad. We now also have a 20 month old and I'm 30 weeks pregnant.

Give him a little time to get his head around it..... why is he saying you did it on perpose? It was planned between you both abou stopping contraception?

HughLauriesStubble Wed 26-Oct-16 09:50:50

The panic is normal but tbh if you're already aware that he is selfish and self centred, I'm afraid it may only get worse from here on in. Like a pp said, the panic is normal but the good guys keep it to themselves and the spoilt menchildren let it out. Only you know the true extent of how selfish your dh can be and it's up to you to decide whether you can put up with having a baby and a man child to deal with forever.

If you do go it alone, you will manage (and maybe find it easier without dh to put up with too)

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden Wed 26-Oct-16 09:51:23

Would you consider counselling? Both relationship counselling and on your own to help you decide the way forward?

PoldarksBreeches Wed 26-Oct-16 09:52:13

Why can't you be a single parent?
Living with a 'very selfish and self centred' man and trying to raise a child together is fucking horrendous. It's easier doing it alone, believe me.
If you terminate then you may never forgive him and you probably won't have a baby with him in future. Your relationship will be done regardless of whether you terminate or not. So your choices are to continue with this pregnancy and accept you will probably be a single parent (either now or a couple of years in the future when you get sick of his selfishness) or you terminate and accept that you probably won't have children.
I'd pick the first any day (single mum of one, broke and occasionally stressed but very happy and wouldn't be without my boy)

Girliefriendlikesflowers Wed 26-Oct-16 09:56:56

Why can't you be a single parent?

He sounds very immature and selfish tbh and not someone who is going to be a positive presence in you or your babies life.

I have raised my dd (now 10yo) on my own since her birth and its wonderful, certainly can be done and its a lot easier to do it by yourself than with a selfish partner sucking the joy out of the experience.

Gowgirl Wed 26-Oct-16 10:01:12

All men get a bit strange I think, most keep their gobs shut! But I know dh felt sidelined and just unimportant to the midwives. He also went a bit odd for a couple of days once mine were born, he gave his head a wobble and pitched in....

gratesnakes Wed 26-Oct-16 10:02:19

Congratulations! Of course you can be a single parent. Your man may come good but if he doesn't you will manage fine.

aspascia Wed 26-Oct-16 10:08:14

Thanks everyone for the advice and reassurance that I'm not BU! Yes, it was absolutely a joint decision; he knows about the birds and bees and knew that it could happen! We'd talked about it and had conversations that started with "When we have kids ..." or "When you're pg ..." He's even reassured me when I was worrying that I was too old and it might never happen that it would be fine and we wouldn't have any trouble conceiving. Then yesterday he said that deep down he was hoping all along that it wouldn't happen.

For those who ask, the main reason I can't do it alone is because I financially can't afford to on my salary. OH earns twice what I do and it's only because of our joint income that this was even a possibility. I literally could not afford extended childcare (I work long hours and commute so at least £1,400 pm) and cover my living expenses. My family live overseas so I'd have no help or support network.

I just feel so betrayed - if he really does feel this way then he should have kept wearing the damn condoms and been honest with me. How can he think it's ok to tell me he doesn't want a baby AFTER I get pg??

Kittenrush Wed 26-Oct-16 10:21:00

He still has to support you and the child even if you're not together. As a single parent you'll get a lot of support with childcare and your employer has to be flexible. You can make it work alone smile lots do xxx

Nikki2ol6 Wed 26-Oct-16 10:21:47

Hmmmm so he's been having unprotected sex and hoping it would never get you pregnant when you knew the plan was for you to get pregnant.

I don't know what to say to that to be honest but if that's how he truly has been feeling all these months do you really want to stay with him?

Kittenrush Wed 26-Oct-16 10:24:44

Sorry that's not helpful to the fact he's being a total jerk. I'm not surprised you feel betrayed, for him to say he was hoping it would never happen is frankly pretty disgusting. It sounds like he doesn't care about what you want at all. Just hoped life would work out to suit him and is throwing his toys out now it isn't. If it were me I would remind him this was a joint decision and to pull himself together xxx

ShowMeTheElf Wed 26-Oct-16 10:27:11

If you have to be a single parent then you'll find a way. Honestly. These things have a way of working themselves out: you just need to concentrate on what is most important to you.

Girliefriendlikesflowers Wed 26-Oct-16 10:29:26

Financially it probably won't be as bad as you think, you will be able to claim tax credits to help with childcare, you would get maintenance and obviously your own income.

It is certainly do'able.

Trifleorbust Wed 26-Oct-16 10:37:50

He's going to have to suck it up. Joint decision, even if it wasn't one he was fully on board with. You haven't lied to him or tricked him in any way.

Now, what can you do to get into a position where you will be able to function as a single parent? Even if he is around for the pregnancy, you can't bank on him being reliable in the medium term, because he fundamentally doesn't want to be a father.

Lweji Wed 26-Oct-16 10:42:06

You can calculate how much his child maintenance would be and figure out if you could do it alone or not.

What I wouldn't do is to stay with him, regardless. Even if he comes around, I wouldn't want to be at the mercy of such feckless individual in such important matters.

Girliefriendlikesflowers Wed 26-Oct-16 10:44:08

I think having a baby is a good time to evaluate work/life balance anyway, if you work long hours with a long commute even with a partner on board this will be tricky with a new baby.

Is moving closer to work an option and will they consider part time hours once baby is here?

I had all sorts of illusions of going back to my old job before dd was born and realised pretty quickly that not seeing her for 11 hours a day was not going to work for me. I quit that job but found another one more locally and for less hours that worked fine. Financially things are tight but for me the cost in terms of not having time with dd was too high iyswim.

FetchezLaVache Wed 26-Oct-16 10:49:53

Oh love. He's That's awful.

Over the years on MN I've seen quite a few posts from women who felt they couldn't afford to leave, but when they looked into what they'd be entitled to, they soon realised they could. So you'd get:

Housing benefit, potentially;
Tax credits;
Child benefit;
(Correct me if I'm wrong) 15% of his take-home pay.

Also, would it be possible to move nearer to work, so commute/childcare costs would be reduced?

clumsyduck Wed 26-Oct-16 10:50:26

I loved being a single parent (broke up before realised I was pg) briefly got back together but realised much better without him . Now have lovely new dp . It's really a lot better than been stuck with a bad partner just because you think it's better than being a single mother .

Have to be honest though if you really want a baby I wouldn't stay with this man . He's already had you hanging in for years and you are now 38 . If having a child is really what you want is be planning on making it happen without this guy wether you chose to continue this pregnancy or not.

Sorry that is so blunt but it's just to important to keep waiting around for him to be "ready"

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