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Is he selfish or am I hormonal???

(22 Posts)
lr12345 Mon 10-Oct-16 08:08:30

So 33 weeks pregnant and my father kindly offered to put the nursery furniture up yesterday evening. I said as he was doing that I'd cook us all a Sunday dinner. OH decided he wanted to go for a couple of pint, no problem with that, just as long as your home to hell father with furniture!
Anyway as predicted OH stays in pub, comes home 2 hours after he said he was meant to be. had to hold cooking dinner and help with furniture - last thing I need to be doing at this stage in pregnancy!

When I spoke to him about it after gather he left it started a massive argument and he's basically said it was only a couple of hours and what's my problem. This really upset me, I've spent the night in spare room and he's left for work today with speaking to me.

Would you be annoyed or an I over reacting? This and previous behaviour is making me think he's going to be completely selfish, inconsiderate and not dependable when baby arrives.

Soubriquet Mon 10-Oct-16 08:09:36

No that's selfish

AnotherEmma Mon 10-Oct-16 08:11:55

"This and previous behaviour is making me think he's going to be completely selfish, inconsiderate and not dependable when baby arrives."

Oh dear confused

I think you might get more/better advice if you get this thread moved to Relationships.

Do you want to tell us about the previous behaviour?

leaveittothediva Mon 10-Oct-16 08:18:47

I'm sorry but a lot of men are selfish b******s, and it unfortunately sounds like you are right. Not overreacting at all, you should have had your Sunday dinner with your Dad, and left him to get his own, he knew of the arrangement and let you down. You better start as you mean to go on, I've been too soft over the years, and have slowly come to the realization that it isn't appreciated by them in the least. Yeah, "what's your problem", that's about typical.

lr12345 Mon 10-Oct-16 08:20:10

Thanks, I don't know how to do that though! Haha

He's just selfish, would rather spend his weekends sat in the pub than helping prepare for the baby! For example totally refurbished the house at 20 weeks pregnant, I ended up helping father fit door frames whilst he sat and drank in pub.

He's got a longer commute and a stressful job but i work full time too but if for example I say I'm tired he says oh well your lucky you haven't had my day, as if forgetting I'm pregnant!

He's not even helped or contributed towards any of the babies stuff, I've literally done and paid all the shopping myself as apparently he's going to be covering mortgage all the bills whilst 'I have a year off work'! Despite earning double what I do he's not even bought a baby grow for new arrival.

I could go on and on but it's practically the same s** different days! I'm just starting to wonder if I'd be better off on my own! Atleast then I'm not dependant or relying on anyone and can't be let down X

AnotherEmma Mon 10-Oct-16 08:24:05

Did he want a baby? It doesn't sound like it.

To get the thread moved you just report it (click/tap the 3 dots in the bottom right corner of your post) and write a message to ask.

Autumnandlovingit Mon 10-Oct-16 08:26:52

Thank god for your Dad. Your Dad seems to be waiting in the wings to be your shoulder to cry on...You need a chat with partner. Is he going to be doing the pub thing every weekend? if you give birth on Saturday morning will he still be going to the pub in the afternoon? if he sees nothing wrong with this then there is something wrong and only you can decide what action to take if any.

Penfold007 Mon 10-Oct-16 08:27:30

Is yours a planned pregnancy or a surprise? His behaviour is deliberate.

lr12345 Mon 10-Oct-16 08:27:33

Yeah, it was something we both wanted and planned. Whilst he is excited about the baby I'm beginning to think the issue is he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I couldn't treat someone I supposedly love the way he treats me especially if they were carrying my first child.

lr12345 Mon 10-Oct-16 08:31:43

I've spoke to him about this, I said If this baby comes on a weekend will I have to get a lift or drive myself to the hospital or find another birthing partner. When I said that he seemed horrified and said of course I won't.
Completely agree about his behaviour been deliberate. He knew how upset and stressed I would be, not only for having to do it all on my own but to have to explain his absence to my family when they are trying to help us.
I know he's stressed and unhappy at work at the moment but I feel like I'm taking the brunt of it to be honest, usually I wouldn't mind but it's just all getting too much for me at the moment

smellsofelderberries Mon 10-Oct-16 08:45:35

You are not being unreasonable at all. I'm 35 weeks and my DH is being amazing. I'm already off work and he's encouraging me to enjoy my free time now (so telling me to meet up for coffee/lunch with friends, go shopping etc), won't let me lift anything heavy and is giving my back massages every other night so he can practice so he knows what to do if I want my back rubbed in labour! That's what a supportive partner does.

Sounds like it would be easier on your own sad

KatharinaRosalie Mon 10-Oct-16 10:06:53

You're not hormonal.

From practical side, fhe very first thing you should now discuss is your free time after the baby has been born, and your finances. You won't get your full salary for the 'year off' as he put it, will you? Is it fair if he pays the mortgage and you pay everything else? What about when you go back to work, earning half his salary? Baby is a joint expense.

How does he see his life changing after you've had the baby? You will be the default parent; and his life won't change at all - he will still work and spend all his evenings drinking with buddies?

LillianFullStop Mon 10-Oct-16 11:30:02

You're not being hormonal - the current arrangement sounds very imbalanced and I would push to get some clarity before this baby is born.

Do you not have shared finances i.e. all earnings in a joint account? Is the mortgage under both your names?

It's unreasonable that you've been paying for all the baby things and doing all the work to get things ready for the baby. This won't change when the baby comes and it will just get worse once your income stops. How does he expect you to keep paying for baby's things? Will you be asking him for money and justifying every expense later? You say you both wanted this baby so he should pull his finger out!

I'd save your money for yourself now if you are thinking you'd have to go this alone at some point.

On a non-financial point, he sounds like he expects life to go on as normal for him. And the point wasn't that he'd gone to the pub - it was that he was unreliable and didn't come back when he said he would - leaving you and your dad to build the furniture yourselves and making you wait for dinner.

lr12345 Mon 10-Oct-16 15:52:35

We don't have a shared bank account but both pay toward the mortgage/bills, albeit his contribution is higher as he earns more. OH will pay all bills, mortgage when I'm on Mat leave and my Mat pay will be mine to cover couple of my small bills and then to spend on myself/baby which is a more than fair arrangement I think.

I just wish he'd just take some responsibility and show some support. Apart from coming to a couple of scans I don't think this pregnant has had any affect on his life at all.
All I can say he's going to be in for a shock when baby arrives

Oysterbabe Mon 10-Oct-16 16:34:12

If sounds to me like he's realised how much his life is about to change, is scared and is dealing with it by being a dickhead.

KatharinaRosalie Mon 10-Oct-16 16:57:21

To me he rather sounds like some men I know, who did not in fact change their lives just because they had babies. Surely the wife is home on maternity leave anyway, and the man is working, he must have the right to relax after work. So they just continued to behave exactly like before. I hope I'm pessimistic, of course.

AnotherEmma Mon 10-Oct-16 17:03:37

Or he could just be a dickhead anyway.

What was he like before you got pregnant? Generally supportive or sometimes selfish?

BastardGoDarkly Mon 10-Oct-16 17:13:32

YANBU at all, didn't he feel a dick in front of your Dad when he came in?

Tbh with our first, the reality didn't really kick in for DH until the baby was actually there, but he didn't do anything particularly selfish in the pregnancy.

Fabulosososo Mon 10-Oct-16 17:43:12

YANBU he's BU. Are you being clear enough about your needs?. My DH rolls his eyes (half jokingly) when I remind him that I'm growing a baby on top of all the normal things I do. I think it's very easy for men to just think growing a baby is just something that happens magically without any effort from you. A lot of your energy is going into it daily so you will be tired and need to eat regularly. You may also have nausea or medical needs or just feel too uncomfortable to move around some days. Make all this really clear to him. If he still doesn't shape up kick his ass. He's going to be a father soon and he needs to find a much better balance between you and your baby's needs and the pub!

leaveittothediva Tue 11-Oct-16 15:14:17

Honestly, Smellsofelderberries, Gushing to the OP about how wonderfully you are being treated while pregnant, when her husband is being a complete "plank", to her, a little bit of common sense wouldn't go amiss. Ffs. Your making her feel even worse.

paap1975 Tue 11-Oct-16 15:20:15

I didn't read it as gushing, I read it as what a supportive partner would do.

melibu84 Tue 11-Oct-16 15:25:48

If he's like this now, he probably won't change, unfortunately. Well, that is if he is being selfish. My bf's partner is also pretty selfish - goes out at least twice a week, sometimes staying overnight in hotels, but then saying he can't giver her more money towards the rent or childcare. She actually pays for most of it on her own, despite him being director of sales (or some other big job title like that). She is a teacher.

On the other hand, he could be totally freaking out about being a dad.

I really feel for you! Having a baby is a very big deal and you should feel like you're with someone you can depend on and who won't let you down. The time is now to sit down and have a talk with him about how he's feeling and what you need from him.

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