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What do I do about this midwife?

(9 Posts)
traceyturnblatt Wed 14-Sep-16 20:10:30

I've not long found out that I am pregnant with my second child ( 9 weeks) and have just met the midwife. My DS is 15 months old and I love the bones of him, he's a constant smiler and I don't know what I'd do without him.

However during the first year of his life I was diagnosed with pretty horrific PND and have begun to see a Psychologist who actually thinks that I have Depression from previous experiences and my sons birth has brought it all to the surface.

I am feeling much better and my DH and I decided to try again so I am delighted I am pregnant ( didn't miss the Morning Sickness though!)

I saw the midwife last week and when she found out that I had PND she kept repeating that 'it's to do with feeling nothing for the child' ' you don't love the child'.

I told her that wasn't the case- it's me who is broken and I'm trying very hard to get back to the way I was. She didn't listen and had advised me to see the consultant about it ( and some other medical issues).

I left feeling really frustrated and I don't want to see her again, I wish I hadn't even said anything about my PND because now I'm worried that throughout my pregnancy that people are going to think I'm not going to love my child. I can't bear it sad

Imnotaslimjim Wed 14-Sep-16 20:13:06

Ask to see a different MW and explain why. PND has nothing to do with how you feel about the baby FFS. Some ladies do have problems bonding but it's not a common thing AFAIK.

OlennasWimple Wed 14-Sep-16 20:14:10

The MW is an eejit, and most medical professionals will know that PND isn't about "not loving the child". You can ask to see another MW if there is more than one at the practice

Surf25 Wed 14-Sep-16 20:20:53

Contact the midwife team and ask for a change of midwife. Go to her boss if you need to. Reading this makes me so angry and sad in equal measure, the lack of knowledge and understanding is astonishing and the response is more likely than not to lead to women feeling they cannot give honest answers or talk about their real thoughts and feelings which is a horribly trapped position to be in. Argh. 8 really feel for you. A friend of mine was in a similar position and only after the pregnancy could she really see how unhelpful it was, she didn't ask for a change. She decided if she had to see the same midwife in the future that she would make sure that her husband or I were there to challenge anything negative that was said. I still said she should change. Easier to do now than it will be later. She needs some education on mental health asap! I speak as a mental health professional, a pregnant mother and someone who also had very severe PND - and felt plenty love and feeling for my babies both before during and after the darkest periods of my life. All the very best to you and I sincerely hope that there is a more understanding midwife made available to you.

UnicornPee Wed 14-Sep-16 20:23:56

Definetly swap midwives. I bet most others would not treat you like this.
My 1st MW with my 1st pregnancy was horrible so I got her swapped straight away!
Now my 3rd I again have a horrible midwife so am going to be a skinny for another.
Despite these two horrible MW all others I have encountered have been SO lovely I would want to be adopted by them smile

traceyturnblatt Wed 14-Sep-16 20:36:31

Thank you all for your replies- Im so glad it wasn't just me, I've been going over and over it in my head and I'm so annoyed at myself that I wasn't more assertive. I'm even more annoyed that I let her say it whilst my DS was in the room with me.

I will ask for another midwife but as I think I'll be consultant led I'm hoping I won't see her too often if they can't swap ( my practice is very small)

I hate it when PND comes up in a conversation because so many people think it's all to do about not feeling anything for the baby. I would do anything for my DS, it was me who I felt nothing for and something like this makes me feel like I've gone twenty steps back and I'm in the midst of it all again.

Surf25 Wed 14-Sep-16 20:44:55

Don't beat yourself up about it. It is difficult to be assertive in the face of such patent lack of understanding! Hope that your consultant and another midwife will be much more normal and understanding. The lack of understanding about PND and it's causes, presentation and risks/potential consequences is frightening, particularly within the profession. But as someone else said, there are many that do care and understand! You haven't gone backwards, you have just encountered a very misinformed but potentially influential person and that would make anyone feel how you do. All the best

FlipperSkipper Wed 14-Sep-16 22:02:18

Just to say I'm consultant led and see the consultant monthly but also have all the usual midwife appointments as well, so it might well be worth you asking to change. If you can't see someone else at your practice you might be able to see a different midwife elsewhere.

LBNM19 Wed 14-Sep-16 23:14:23

I would complain about her. Contact the pals department at your hospital to find out how. That's a very unfair thing to say and she clearly doesn't have a clue what she is talking about.

I've been referred to a consultant due to PND and severe anxiety. I suffered with PND after first and second very severe anxiety during my 2nd pregnancy. Was under a psychologist for both.

It had nothing to do with my children and very much myself. Even when I had PND I still absolutely adored my son.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd son and really hoping this time I'm free of any mental health issues but aware that it could happen again.

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