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Pregnant - Shocked & Terrified. DH already has kids

(9 Posts)
TheNewWife Wed 14-Sep-16 06:06:40

I'm 34, married all of 5 mins (been together for 4 years) and pregnant with a honeymoon baby.
I never wanted kids. I like them, don't get me wrong, but it suited me to marry a man, who has been married before and has two kids in their early 20's.
Anyway, we're going ahead. Despite my DH being in his early 50's, he's delighted and all our plans of me retiring when he does to spend more time sailing and golfing (amongst many others) have evaporated.
My main problem now is that I am crippled with fear. I was very vocal about not wanting kids and had we not been pissed one night on honeymoon and reckless with contraception then we wouldn't be. In return for my openness, my DH has previously been very honest with me about becoming a parent 20 odd years ago. He admitted he viewed his wife very differently afterwards) Still love of course, but more Mum rather than the sexy creature he married. I'd imagine watching a watermelon come out a hole the size of a golf ball would do that?! It greatly impacted their sex life too, neither were as keen afterwards. I consider myself to have a high sex drive, so this is causing me concern.
I'm also aware that his first wife managed to produce two babies in excess of 8lbs with no pain relief and escaped all sorts of scaries like episiotomies etc. I feel inadequate already. I cannot help torturing myself that he's comparing. He's given me no indication he thinks this except I'm sleeping loads (I'm currently 9weeks) and when I moaned 'do you think this is normal' he replied 'I don't think so', meaning that he's referring to his only other source of knowledge and the first wife didn't sleep around the clock. Fair enough, everyone is different.
There must be other women here with partners who have had children with another woman before them; did you worry about this? Am I being crazy?
I think I am because my DH is an absolute sweetheart. He'd be horrified to know I was getting into such a tizz.

freshstart22 Wed 14-Sep-16 06:18:14

You are being crazy. And I mean that kindly.

Put those silly thoughts of how his ex wife coped with pregnancy and child birth out of your mind. The fact their marriage went downhill after children could have been due to many reasons. Maybe her appearance and style did alter a lot after becoming a mum.

Your hormones will be going bananas for a few months you'll have highs and lows of emotion. It's totally normal to be wiped out and tired in the early stages your body is doing amazing things.

Having a baby is the best gift ever. Enjoy it and make it work for you.

SprogletsMum Wed 14-Sep-16 06:28:39

You definitely need to stop comparing yourself to his ex wife!
I'm about as far along as you with my fourth and for the first time am shattered. I've been out of bed for 15 minutes and am counting down the minutes until I can go back.

MrsDallowaySaid Wed 14-Sep-16 06:39:06

I don't know about anything else but I promise the tiredness and emotionalness is normal! I am 9 weeks and sleeping 7.30 til 6 every night!

PippaRose Wed 14-Sep-16 07:54:52

Tiredness is defo normal, he probably can't remember the details of his ex wife's pregnancy now so I wouldn't have thought he was thinking about her when he said that.

Your relationship is different to theirs and many people continue in happy marriages post baby (hopefully me included!)

LetTheSunShineAgain Wed 14-Sep-16 08:17:57

Oh love, hugs. The emotional roller-coaster of unplanned pregnancy is really tough, my situation is slightly different, I had 2children in their 20s and was loving a wonderful child free lifestyle in my 40S when I found out I was pg. Hand on heart I was devastated. The whole lifestyle I had planned abruptly came to an end and I had to grieve for it. No more long diving holidays, working at a job I loved when I choose and chilling on the beach the rest of the time. I had to keep telling myself it was a child, a little person, not a terminal illness!
She's 3 now and it's been tough, I won't lie. I still grieve the life I won't have now but she is my everything. I've just gone back to work in a job that's OK but not as fun, money will always be tight now and long lazy holidays are a distant dream. I had to work really hard to love her for who she is and not resent her for what she had taken from me.
A lot of people will not understand, some will laugh and be quite unkind. You just need to keep loving that little bean that will become the sunshine in your world and believe they will bring far more joy than any round of golf xxx
Take good care of you. Your pregnancy is yours

TheNewWife Fri 16-Sep-16 06:00:51

freshstart22 I needed that verbal kick up the ass, thanks! You're right, why am I bothering about a woman who broke my DH's heart when she waltzed out for another man. Thanks for your reply.
sprogletsmum congrats on your 4th baby and thank you for taking the time to make me feel better when you're just as shattered yourself!
MrsDallowaySaid I'm sleeping like that too! Appreciate your reply. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.
PippaRose you're most likely spot on seeing his two kids are in their twenties. Also, our relationship is very different, so many of his family have passed positive comment on it. TY for messaging me.
LetTheSunShineAgain Grieving for our lifestyle.... YES! It sounds terribly selfish and shallow, but having struggled in the past (ex left me bankrupt, 7 years to clear), I'm now living a great life- lovely home, fab hols, car, job, social life etc that I'm just scared it'll all go to rat shit. It's different coping through bad times when you only have yourself to contend with, but being responsible for a little person scares me. The ex stress is obviously just a way of my worries manifesting but I'll put that out my mind. There's no other man on this planet I'd trust to have a baby with so will plough my positive thoughts into this little 'bean'.... Maybe they'll grow up to be golf fans too!! Sincere thanks xx

LittleLionMansMummy Fri 16-Sep-16 08:50:49

Your dh sounds amazing. Not many men in their 50s would relish becoming a father all over again (dh is 46 with a 16 and 19yo and is still a but wobbly over me being pregnant with our second!) He must really love you.

Tbh I got all the first wife angst over and done with before we had our first (we'd been together 8 years and married for one when ds arrived). You're being silly about that. But it does sound like you need some time to come to terms with your pregnancy. What you're feeling is not wrong. Even mums who planned for pregnancy and babies who have been tried for for ages wonder what the fuck they've let themselves in for during those early weeks when hormones are rampaging. Focus on you and your dh, not his ex!

TheNewWife Fri 16-Sep-16 11:10:16

LittleLionMansMummy He is amazing. You're also right, I am still adjusting to the thought of becoming a Mum, especially as I've spent 34 years (or my adult life at least!) adamant that I wasn't going to be!
I feel a thousand times better for having spouted my daft, hormonal thoughts on here. Have a great weekend x

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