Warning, this is about a friends 8 week scan and miscarriage/abortion

[Kione]

So for context I had a missed miscarriage in January and now I am 25 weeks pregnant.
My colleage told me 3 weeks ago she was pregnant too. We get on really well and it was all very exciting, making plans about being on maternity together. She also had IVF after years of TTC.
Last week she had her 8 week scan to be told that the baby wasn't developing well and they offered her to terminate the pregnancy that week without a second scan. It was all really sad and she has taken the tablet and has passed blood but not everything so now they are making her wait 3 weeks and then have a pregnancy test??
I am miffed. First, this is not at all how they presented the options to me with my M/M, and second I was 11 weeks my sac had no baby and they scanned again the following week just in case".
She had a baby on the 6 week scan and I though 8 week scan was too early to know if things are wrong? at least to have another scan just in case? It is too late now for anything, but people at work are discussing it and its all so sad, specially the whole process being a little strange in my opinion.
Anyway, does anyone know if and how can they tell in one scan at 8 weeks that things are not well? and not offer another one?
I can't stop thinking about it and her, so terribly sad for her and had nightmares last night about my own pregnancy.

[Miloarmadillo1]

I'm v sorry for both of your losses. The reason for insisting on a second scan is in case there is any mix up over dates, since they never take a woman's word for it. If your colleague had IVF then dates will be certain and at 8 weeks if there isn't a baby with a definite heartbeat then sadly the pregnancy is not progressing. You are probably well placed to support her since you have been through something similar yourself, though your current pregnancy might make that hard for her. Get HR to have a word with your team though, it's not office gossip fodder FFS!

[Imnotaslimjim]

Congratulations on your pregnancy. How terrible for her and for you to see her go through something so traumatic.

From what you have said, I'm assuming that there has either been no heartbeat seen or it was seen on the earlier scan and now hasn't or a lack of growth between the scans. There will be certain things that they would expect to see and it being IVF will know exactly what stage they're looking at.

While it will seem very similar to your M/M it will be dealt with differently. And of course those similarities will be bringing up memories for you. Be as supporting as you can afford to be emotionally but make sure you look after yourself too.

[Iggi999]

I think the 8 week scan was a follow up for the 6 week one really. If the embryo had not grown in those two weeks it is likely to be unviable. I'm not sure if this counts as a termination - where they saying the baby wasn't developing well, or that it had stopped developing, which seems more likely to me.
For goodness sake though didn't give your friend any ideas that they acted too hastily, think what that would do to her. Agree with pp with ivf there shouldn't be any doubts about dates so it's a bit different.

[Kione]

Ok, thank you. It makes sense that they know the certain conception date whilst we didn't know mine.

Right not all the office is talking, just a few, people are finding out slowly, just asking why is she off, some people haven't asked yet. But it is our supervisors comments that because she hasn't passed anything "the baby could still be growing" that I am trying to correct. It is just morbid and I would like to reply to that. I did say that would not be the case, but with needing to have a scan in 3 weeks that is what she thinks. It was 3 of us (the two of us that she had told from the start and supervisor) talking in a closed room. Comments are not this bad with the rest, they are just sad comments.

[Kione]

And thank you Imnotthatslimjim

[Kione]

I don't know the exact wording as she sent us a text saying "bad news about scan" or something along those lines and then the next steps.

I would not dream of telling her anything of what I wrote here, it offends me to think I would after having a miscarriage myself only 7 months ago FFS.

I have told her we can talk if she wants, she said thank you but she asks about other subjects like work etc. I told our supervisor I could move rooms if seeing me pregnant would be hard for her -know a similar case at DP work where the person could not cope- she passed on to colleague and she said it is sweet of me, then she asked me about my pregnancy so I think she is trying to clear that. I know when she actually comes it might be different. Anyway last night we had a good chit chat about work and dogs, but not the miscarriage, it is the way she is and i respect that.

[Imnotaslimjim]

Sorry but the supervisor is wrong saying that. Just because the embryo hasn't passed yet does not mean it is still a viable pregnancy. If she's taken the tablets to dislodge the embryo they will have had good cause to do that.

[Kione]

I totally agree and I said so. I hope she passes it for her sake and to stop these ideas/discussions.
I understand it better now anyway if it gets discussed again.

[Monstamio]

I would tell your supervisor that they're not scanning her again to see if there is a viable pregnancy, they are doing it to see if there are any "retained products of conception" which could be dangerous for the mother. If there are, it will likely need surgery (essentially a d and c) to remove. All of which will be horribly distressing for your friend.

[Kione]

Yes, that is what they said to me. But I wasn't sure as the procedure and advice for her has been completely different.