Depressed

[EreniTheFrog]

So having suffered horrendously with depression and anxiety (and PTSD, EDs) during my first two pregnancies, I was being so assertive and pro-active in trying to avoid it this time around:

• I asked for help from MH and specialist maternity services, and was told that service cuts are now such that I needed to get depressed before I'd be eligible: they cannot provide preventative services
  
• I took antidepressants pre-emptively, and cooperated with GP, midwife, and all hospital appointments
  
• I ate healthily, drank water, exercised, socialised, reached out to family and friends, prayed, volunteered, avoided caffeine and alcohol, indulged in relaxing hobbies &etc
  

Now what? I'm feeling like hell and am angry and annoyed with myself for not having managed to stop this happening. Given that I am on antidepressants anyway and given the length of the waiting lists for anything else, I can't really see what else professional services could do.

What am I missing? What else can I try? What have others found has helped them?

[EreniTheFrog]

[InsaneMummyOfThree]

Hi ereni, just wanted to let u know that I'm here if u want to chat. Unfortunately I don't have any experience of what you are going through. Please don't be angry with yourself, it sounds like you have tried and it seems like it's others who have let u down. Are u currently pregnant?? Also are u feeling anxious and /or depressed??? If that's the case then surely you now qualify for help. I think it is ridiculous that when someone reaches out for support they are turned away. Prevention is always better. Be kind to yourself and know that you have tried. Xx

[EreniTheFrog]

Thanks for responding. Yes, I am 14 weeks pregnant now.

[Whatsername17]

Have you considered that none of this is your fault? You've done everything right and that is brilliant! Your baby will be feeling those benefits already. There is a lot of evidence to back up the fact that mental health issues have a hormonal imbalance as the cause. Being pregnant, your hormones will be going crazy! In your shoes I'd get your medication checked, iron levels checked (low iron can make you feel dreadful) and ask to speak to a councilor. If you can afford it, relate are fab. In the meantime, have you considered writing a blog? Getting your thoughts our might be helpful. Be kind to yourself though. Stop being made at yourself. You wouldn't be mad at yourself if you broke your leg, why should you be mad at yourself for having a hormonal imbalance? Keep up the healthy food choices and relaxing hobbies. You can and are doing this! Good luck

[DrWhy]

So, you know you are doing all the right things, they will be helping, keep doing them! Please don't give up the efforts to eat well, exercise and get enough rest, especially when you know they are things that work for you. It might not feel like they are working but they are almost certainly still helping and a good routine to get into.
Right now, pregnant and exhausted however, they aren't quite enough, that's where the medication comes in. Whatever you are on right now clearly isn't working well for you so let your midwife and/or GP know - ask for a review. It may be that you need an increased dose or a different medication type altogether. Also ask them for a referral now to the ante-natal mental a health team, they should have more experience in managing this.
It is not your fault any more than having any other chronic medical condition is your fault. You are doing everything right to manage your health and I hope you find the support you need.

[EreniTheFrog]

Thanks, both of you. The thing is, I do blame myself for all of the other physical and medical problems I have.. they're all because I didn't try hard enough to overcome them, or because I'm thick or lazy. I do understand the absence of logic there, and clearly it exemplifies how mad I am.

Yesterday afternoon I really forced myself up to get DD and DS to their music class, and made myself sit and chat to two of the other mums. It helped a bit, and I then managed all evening with DH working until late. This morning, though, DD woke up all shout and grumpy and I just want to curl up here and cry. I can't work out whether it would be better to nip out for a quick bike ride and leave DH to do breakfast - or whether staying inside is safer without the rush hour traffic and fumes

[EreniTheFrog]

Feeling awful. I received a letter about a week ago which really triggered my PTSD, have had a slew of more job rejections, am so tired. Things are crap between DH and I - understandably so, really - and yet I've had to call him home from his regular weekend hobby to come and bail me out: DS has been screaming/whining/wailing at me all day, as he was yesterday, as he was the day before... he just never, never, never gives me a break.

I cried all over the midwife the other day. Even she didn't know what to do. Nothing that used to help is helping any longer, and there just isn't any help out there.

[manhowdy]

How helpful is DH? Working late, regular weekend hobby...etc. If you're feeling this bad he should really be at home with the DCs as much as possible to take the strain off.

Sorry you're feeling shit

[wrigglingtoes]

Hi

Just wanted to say I know how you are feeling. I'm 15 weeks with my third and have been on (every single) antidepressant since my second was born.

I've taken a high dose of duloxetine throughout this pregnancy but I can feel it starting again. Don't know what to do? Feel as though my dh totally doesn't understand and is completely fed up with me moping about!

You seem to be doing everything you can, I hope you are feeling better soon x

[EreniTheFrog]

Sorry I didn't acknowledge responses.. I was utterly in a hole.

Just back from 20 week scan. Things don't look great, and I have an urgent referral to foetal medicine tomorrow morning. Sitting in hospital waiting rooms is my no #1 PTSD trigger, and it looks as though the coming weeks will involve a lot of that.

Beyond numb.

[LHReturns]

Ereni so sorry to hear that.

Do you want to talk about what happened at the scan?

I had hideous antenatal and PND with my first. And now 7 weeks with my second, sick as a dog, working very hard to not start sinking again.

I'm so sorry you feel so awful.

[wrigglytoes]

Hope everything goes well for you tomorrow

[EreniTheFrog]

wriggly and LH, I'm so sorry you're struggling too.

I dont think it would help to go into the specifics or to speculate about the scans. It could all mean so much, or nothing.

I just want to survive this evening without totally losing it. DH has just been unexpectedly called into work (from the sound of it, he didn't really have a choice) and I'm just finding it all so hard.

Does anything particular help you?

[carmenta]

How horrible to have to deal with that uncertainty

Can you distract yourself? I know what that pattern of depressive catastrophic thinking feels like, and the only thing that gets me out of it is doing something completely unrelated but absorbing. Can someone else come over to keep you company?