Relationship taken a dive since pregnancy(11 Posts)
I'm 12 weeks pregnant and haven't yet told many people, including work. To begin with I just felt so elated with it, couldn't stop grinning and feeling really excited with my DH. But now I just feel like things have taken a down turn. I'm exhausted all the time - have been the whole way through, I know it's not unusual. DH is being great, cooking and doing more round the house etc. and being really supportive. I just feel like our relationship's gone a bit rubbish because of it.
I'm so tired and have zero libido - DH mentioned a few weeks ago he was missing sex so we did it but I just wasn't bothered. I haven't made any moves since and he's told me he doesn't dare initiate anything for fear of rejection. He tells me he's feeling depressed and neglected, not just through lack of sex but because I don't seem to show any interest in him - sometimes I get home from work so exhausted I can hardly speak so I guess I don't pay as much attention to him as normal. He tells me he feels like I got pregnant then lost all interest in sex, as if I didn't want him but wanted a baby.
I feel really stressed with work, and with buying our first house, feel like I am doing loads of the admin with that and being too much of a control freak to hand much of it over to him. I have asked him to do some things to do with admin for the house move but then he says I'm nagging if I ask about it.
I feel anxious and teary and stressed with everything - work, house, our relationship. I can't think straight and don't know what to do!
That first trimester is really hard, it's understandable that the (totally normal) hormone-induced exhaustion and low libido would take their toll on the positive feelings in your relationship. I know my experience is that I've felt much, much better in the second trimester, have loads more energy and am enjoying and appreciating my DH much more. So it might be you just need to give it time, and bear in mind this difficult stage will pass? It sounds like you and DH are talking, which is great, are you still having fun, e.g. going on date nights, watching a movie with popcorn even? It sounds a bit like life just now includes lots of stress, so maybe finding time to take the pressure off and relax together would help?
The most important thing is to take care of yourself. You're making a person, which is a wonderful but difficult thing to do, and the first trimester is a really tough slog. Do whatever you need to do in order to get enough sleep, and make sure you're taking a good pregnancy multivitamin - it shoild help with your hormone balance which in turn should help you feel less tearful.
He is a grown up. He can work through his own issues. This really isn't about him. It's completely understandable that you want him to be happy, after all you liked him enough to have a baby with him! But his desire for you not to change at all isn't a problem for you to fix. Having a baby changes your life, best he starts to wrap his head around this now (and stops trying to guilt you into having sex with him, that's not nice at all).
I am 10 weeks and exactly the same as you, I have taken to reading my husband the pregnancy app which highlighted the tiredness and lack of libido. I have been exhausted too and feeling very sick, I just keep reminding him that he wanted this baby too.
I keep getting told it gets better in the 2nd trimester and I am holding onto that, we are also selling a house which again adds to the stress.
Stay positive I think all this is normal, try and tell him exactly how you are feeling.
Normal normal normal. With no offence meant, he needs to get a grip. Pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, can be exhausting. I'm just
hopefully coming out of that stage with #2. #1 is only 1 so added exhaustion on top!
You need to tell him hoe you feel, honestly. I struggled with this as also a bit of a control freak, and don't like to display weakness. But only last week had a total teary meltdown (I'm just so tired, and FAT and tired and sick and fucking fed up of being tired and fat and sick etc etc I really did wail that in a snotty mess)
The reality is that it isn't happening to them in the same way. For me, early pregnancy is all consuming. Constantly nauseous, tired, pain in my hips, emotional, bloated and unable to poo. And I have to try to carry on as normal with working, all the care for dc1, lack of sleep, housework etc. Nothing has really changed in their lives and ime they can be rather oblivious.
As well as getting a grip, he needs to get used to being an adult in his own right and not being the first most important person in your life. The baby needs that spot!
Totally normal! He needs to get used to it. I started feeling better around week 16/17 but I'm 33 weeks now and I've definitely been such a huge grump the last couple of weeks that even my very laid back and understanding dh is beginning to protest. Prepare him now for the fact that this will (hopefully) go away for a bit but will certainly be back in the third trimester. Some men don't realise that this is just how pregnancy is (probably too many film/media images with celebs swanning around looking like they are blooming and super mums lifting weights and hiking up mountains).
He's being very selfish and quite ridiculous. Does he have a clue what pregnancy is doing to your body? Does he think you can merrily produce a whole new human with no impact on you physically or emotionally?
My partner definitely took a couple of weeks to get used to me going from normal self to being exhausted, wanting to vomit or vomiting and not wanting to be touched. My sense of smell has been so strong I didn't even want to be near enough to smell him! Normally we are both quite physically affectionate and had sex frequently.
He felt a bit upset & rejected I think. I just kept explaining it was a hormonal thing, not a change in how I felt about him. He talked to friends who've had babies or are dad's and they basically said this is what happens, it's hard but the only thing to do is accept it. I think him talking to other dad's has helped and he's generally fine at the moment.
Male perspective here. DW is just coming up to 37w with our first, but I well remember the first trimester; it was awful for her - constant tiredness, nausea and eventually hospitalisation due to hyperemesis. It was difficult feeling that I was unable to offer much in the way of support beyond housework, cooking and transport, but I definitely didn't take the libido loss thing personally. Frankly, like others, I think your guy needs a bit of perspective; the first trimester is full-on bullshit, and he just needs to be a bit patient and sympathetic whilst it passes. He'll need those skills again soon anyway, because, whilst the middle bit is better, the last couple of months (where we are now) are their own different set of challenges!
I'm nearly 37w - my DP has been great with practical support like cleaning, cooking and housework in general. But he's absolutely sucked at the emotional side of things. He's actually not pestered for sex at all, but he's made it very clear he doesn't deal well with the fact pregnancy has changed my personality ever so slightly (I'm more irrational and teary, whereas before I was rational and stoic). I actually had a decent first trimester and did more or less everything I would usually do (bar drinking), but I toward the end of my second trimester I started having difficulties with anxiety which was brought on by difficulties in my pregnancy.
Needless to say, we've had rows. I've tried different ways of expressing how I feel - but ultimately, my DP just wants 'me' back, no matter how hard I try and explain that it's temporary (although I've reminded him about PND to which he uttered the most unsupportive 'I'd find that very hard to deal with' ). I've had the whole pregnancy is boring, I'm too emotional patronising rubbish and I tried to get him to read some articles about supporting women through pregnancy but it went straight over his head - work was more important. Tbh, I am fed up of tha complications I've had and loss of 'me' so I get it, but I wish I wasn't reminded of it
Thankfully it sounds as if your DH is listening to you. It might be worth writing a list of things that you're finding difficult at the moment - and showing them to him. Sometimes visually men can assess exactly what the problem is, whereas being verbally told can go in one ear and out the other. Do try articles, even though my DP was useless and fobbed me off, doesn't mean yours will.
Congratulations on your pregnancy
I think the pair of you need to reconnect. He's missing sex and you are missing the intimacy and both of you are feeling insecure. The exhaustion does improve, but, you need to think about slowing down at work and taking better care of yourself before you burn out. Get your iron levels checked too - are you taking anything like pregnacare? Low iron can make you feel terrible. With your dh, try talking to him about how you feel and agree on a list of things that he can take over and sort out. Offering to do a job then leaving it until he wants to do it isn't helpful so tell him that. I don't agree that he is being selfish or needs to grow up. You are both going through this for the first time and he doesn't get it because it's not his body. He needs to be more understanding and that will come from communication. You both ferl lime you arr being nagged in different wsys snd thst is never going to lead to more intimacy.Try planning in a date night where you can get away from it all. Going out for dinner is always good because you can talk and laugh. You need to do all of the things that normally lead up to sex and that includes holding hands, kissing and conversation. If it helps, agree on a night that you are going to have sex and stick to that. Then on the other days, work on kissing and cuddling only, agree in advance it won't lead to sex and just enjoy being with each other. Talk about your baby and your hopes and fears. I would advise that you don't neglect this side of your relationship. Yes, sex might be low on your list of priorities once the baby arrives, but there will come a point where you want to be more than just someone's mummy and a milk machine. Looking after the two of you as a couple will make you stronger as a family. Good luck x
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