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Struggling in so many aspects

(10 Posts)
TryingToBeCalm89 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:46:25

Hiya, I'm 27 and in early stages of an unplanned pregnancy.
I've always wanted to be a mum and already love this child growing in me but for starters have not wanted to be with its dad and had actually broken up with him before finding out. He loves me and wants to make it work and I do too, but he is so controlling and I'm terrified that my life is over and that I will have to rely on him now. He made it clear that if I keep the baby I won't be allowed to do it without him and he will be a full time family dad.
This sounds honourable but I fear if I need to escape him I will now never ever be able too. He has a temper. Non aggressive towards me but mentally demeaning though he denys it. Even his own mum apologises to me when she sees how he treats me sometimes.
I also am feeling incredibly sick 24/7 though haven't been yet. My whole body is sensitive, breast AGONY -I whimper in pain moods are awful and I can't cope. I've reacently suffered a few heartbreaking losses which have been devestating and my hormones won't allow me to rest with those.
I've also been a long time anorexia sufferer and now though ive been physically much better for quite a while, I'm horrendously afraid of the body changes.
I feel like I'm in hell to be honest.
Financially I won't cope without the father and he won't now ever leave me but will have huge power over me.
I'm so frightened of everything
Please some advice X

Macdat Tue 30-Aug-16 00:47:55

I'm so sorry you're going through this sad
Please realise you don't need to.

I know how scary just pregnancy, especially unplanned, can be. With all this added in, it might look bleak while you're in the situation, but from the outside looking in it can look different sometimes.
You think there's no way out if you have this baby, a baby you seem to want otherwise, but there is. There are organisations specifically for people in your kind of situation. You don't need to do it alone, these people want to help.
Or you can try to Google "domestic abuse" or similar, followed by your postcode.

You know abuse isn't always physical violence, it can be financial or mental/emotional too. All are equally bad.
You sound really nice, you and your baby don't deserve this. Even if you weren't pregnant, there would still be ways out and you still wouldn't deserve this.

If you want him to see your child, he can, he doesn't need you there for that and you never need to even see him. If you think he will be damaging to your child there are things you can do there too usually.

How far are you, have you arranged a booking in appointment? At the booking in appointment, they will ask you about abuse. So think about if you want him there or not.

You don't need to stay with him. He has not "trapped" you now with this pregnancy. You still have time to leave before you get heavily pregnant.

Trifleorbust Tue 30-Aug-16 06:32:59

You do not have to stay with him. There is help and support available and lots of women cope as single mums.

Agree that you should go to your booking appointment on your own because you need to discuss emotional abuse in your relationship and make it clear that you need support.

Go to Women's Aid. Look at Money Saving Expert to calculate your entitlements to benefits:

annandale Tue 30-Aug-16 06:37:45

Just a message of support, I'm no expert. The symptoms sound really hard, how about seeing your GP and talking about the pains and the fear? If you had any therapy or support for your anorexia before, could you get in touch with them again? Or if your midwife is nice, talk to them. It's hard to know what support is out there, and sometimes there will be something that will really help.

TryingToBeCalm89 Tue 30-Aug-16 18:35:36

Macdat - thankyou so much. I feel too embarrassed to admit it at the moment. Everyone will just look at me as stupid for allowing an unplanned pregnancy when I'm not in a situation to be.
It's very hard as his family are wonderful and he is SO attentive. He will do anything at all I need, go above and beyond, but then make me feel stupid. At the moment I'm hurt by how he wouldn't even listen to me (saying I wanted him to cut down smoking weed and didn't like that he had begun in mornings again) saying I was being unresonable because of my hormones so he isn't even going to engage in what I'm saying in a very firm angry blunt way. It was so hurtful. Yes I'm hormonal but no I meant it and it seems it may be new reason to be me in the wrong.
I guess in many ways I should feel lucky.
he is just so unpredictable and so rude /cutting.
I think I will see how pregnancy goes. I need all the help I can get right now practically especially feeling so ill but it's good to know there is ways if it doesn't work.
Is a biooking apt the first gp one? I already had it :/
He knows the date of our midwife appointment already aswell.
Trifleorbust - I will be looking at the link you sent...thanks !

Annandale- I was in hospital for years on and off and still have frequent appointments with them. They have been great and have sent me through a dietitian appointment just to support me through this and next time I go I will say that this is beginning to freak me out more !

Today I was actually a bit sick ...first vomit. :/
Very crampy tummy too. Feels like if been doing sit-ups but I haven't.
Is this normal?

Macdat Tue 30-Aug-16 19:47:13

No, there is no reason to feel embarrassed. Many people in your situation do, but you shouldn't. It happens, you aren't the first and won't be the last, that's literally why these organisations exist. There's no need to be embarrassed, although I know that's probably easier to say than it is to stop that feeling.
I don't think those who are truly there for you will see you as stupid. Honestly, I think times like this do help you see who's who within your family and friends.
As for unplanned pregnancies, I think realistically most are actually not planned, so don't feel bad about that.

Him smoking weed probably isn't helping his temper or his behaviour. One day, maybe after hes just smoked and he's sort of chilled out, not angry, bring it up again in a gentle way. Tell him you aren't judging him but you really want this baby to have the best possible life and his temper and treatment of you at the moment doesn't seem like that would be possible.
Send him info on third hand smoking too. Just smoking earlier in the day and holding his baby in the same clothes he was wearing can be bad.

Please look into the help you can get too. Even if you feel like you don't need it at the moment, it's always good to know exactly where you can turn as soon as you need to.

Since his family is supportive of you, speak to them too. You don't need to tell them every little detail, just that his smoking and temper worries you sometimes.

Booking appointment is when your GP has referred you for your first midwife appointment. She'll just ask you lots of questions, it's a longish appointment.

TryingToBeCalm89 Tue 30-Aug-16 22:16:23

Macdat I will be taking your advice, I'm so greatful... Although family wise frustratingly I have to wait as we haven't told people yet (I'm apx 9 weeks). It's a matter of seeing how brave I feel at the appropriate moments !

Erm gross question. I have been googling this symptom but have seen other people shocked by a much less extreme version....
Past two days ive been to the loo for bm maybe 12 times a day give or take. Each time I'm cramping badly to go and have to rush. The Bm is always a LOT. Like more than I'd normally go in a day each time.(most of this in the evenings )
Everyone else online is worried by 2-3 daily...maximum iv seen online is 5 !!!! What the hell? What do I do ? Is this ok ? It's mad. I'm a really short person and I can't figure out how it is all being produced !

Macdat Wed 31-Aug-16 19:58:23

Do you think you could have a tummy bug or ate something bad? That many times sounds more like that to be honest. I think some is normal but yours is a bit more than I've usually heard about or had myself.
As long as you're staying hydrated and you're keeping some food in you should be fine. Just drink plenty of water and if you're dehydrated you can have dioralyte while pregnant.

TryingToBeCalm89 Wed 31-Aug-16 23:02:36

Not a's not bad seeming. Only a bit loose but nothing "unwell" about it if you know what I mean !
I'm going to make an urgent gp appointment for tomorrow as nausea is making me unable to leave the house or even sofa. I will mention it for sure! Have only been 4 times today so far... Perhaps it was backlog. Good news is my dignity is gone already so not much to worry about now ;)

Macdat Wed 31-Aug-16 23:43:21

How horrible, i think nausea is one of the worst bits. I know some people swear by mints for it so he can pop out and get you some for tonight/tomorrow morning and see if it helps while you're waiting on GP if he's able to.

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