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My husband doesn't want our baby

(63 Posts)
onecrazycook Wed 24-Aug-16 23:56:00

My Husband is very unhappy about my pregnancy (6 weeks). He didn't speak to me for 4 days once I told him (as if I had planned the pregnancy- I absolutely did not), and now he's swinging between moody and ignoring the issue.

We are in a bit of a situation where our landlord defaulted on his mortgage so we are living with his parents until we sort out somewhere to live, so the timing is not the best, but his primary focus seems to be how determined he is that his life will not change and he can still go the football with his mates etc. He's going on about not being able to afford a child. Every time I mention I feel a bit unwell he says that "this is no good" and asks me if I'm sure I want to keep it.

I'm stressed and upset because I never imagined he'd be like this sad he's 40 ffs.
I'm 39 and I won't get another opportunity.

This was wholly unplanned and we never actually really wanted children but I can't believe he would act like this now there's one on the way. I just don't know what to do.

quicklydecides Thu 25-Aug-16 00:00:02

Well he might just be panicking and he might get over it.
But either way in eight months time you'll have a beautiful baby! Congratulations.
Seriously he sounds like a dick head.
Is he usually?

Trifleorbust Thu 25-Aug-16 02:52:59

He may or may not come around, OP. Does he actually believe you did this deliberately? If I were you, I would start considering my options and making plans to go it alone, just in case he doesn't - quickly - accept the situation as is.

Only1scoop Thu 25-Aug-16 04:09:31

Did you ever discuss DC before you married?

Must be stressful living with IL's how long is that lightly to last?

onecrazycook Thu 25-Aug-16 10:22:46

We did discuss kids before we married and we always said that neither of us were that keen on having kids, but if one came along it would be fine.

He's not usually a knob but he is obsessed with football to the point of ridiculous and I've often felt second best to it. For example he went to a game last year on my birthday.

It's not so much he thinks I did it on purpose, but he's "blaming" me because he thinks I must have missed taking my pill. I have asked him several times in that last few years to get a vasectomy but he just said it was "too early" to think about that, so to me that seemed as if he didn't mind the idea of a child so I never expected this reaction.

He did say to me last night that if we were settled and in our own home etc it wouldn't be a problem so I'm thinking now it's all about the bad situation we are in, rather than the actual baby. But he made it clear last week that he doesn't want to come to more than one scan or take time off when baby comes etc. He said he doesn't want congratulations because this is "a massive mistake".

I'm just so upset and confused

ElspethFlashman Thu 25-Aug-16 10:26:15

To which the correct response from you should be "Fine, fuck off then, I'll do it alone"

onecrazycook Thu 25-Aug-16 11:05:50

I did give him the option to walk away and he said no. I love him and I never for one moment expected to be in this position wondering whether he's going to want anything to do with the baby.

I know you're right in many ways. It's just hard to make a decision to go it alone. I never married him with any idea that I'd potentially be a single mum. We've been together 14 years and married for 7

Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers Thu 25-Aug-16 11:10:37

He sounds like a selfish prick. This may be bad advice, but I would give him an ultimatum. Man up, or fuck off.
OP if I were you I'd start secretly planning for the latter. It can't hurt. Sorry he's such a disappointment of a husband.

Congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

ElspethFlashman Thu 25-Aug-16 11:50:46

Giving him the option does not = laying down the law.

Get tougher. Get your big girl pants on and tell him to shape up or ship out.

leccybill Thu 25-Aug-16 11:54:17

He sounds like an utter twat to be honest.

How do you feel about the pregnancy?

Dlah Thu 25-Aug-16 12:04:39

Regardless of how or why it happened, you need to make it clear to him when you gave him the option to walk away, if he says he's not going to do that, then that means stopping making you feel like shit and manning up and acknowledging that a baby will be here in 9 months.

Believe me, when the hormones kick in - him acting like that will only ruin your relationship and make you resent him anyway. He needs to know you're drawing a line in the sand from today and from now on, it's positive and solutions, not negativity and blaming or he might as well go

Hugs anyway and yes - congratulations! Don't let this spoil a special time you won't get back X

onecrazycook Thu 25-Aug-16 15:03:35

I just hope that he will come round because at the moment I feel like if I have the baby he will resent me (us) and if I don't, I'll resent him. I'm not enjoying feeling so anxious about this as well as becoming a mum for the first time. Horrible.

Thank you all for the nice words and advice xx

Only1scoop Thu 25-Aug-16 15:24:45

One flowers

mellongoose Thu 25-Aug-16 16:32:52

I'm sure he's in a mad panic. Mine was in a mad panic all the way through the pregnancy...and beyond. Every excuse in the book came out. And we are not even married!!!! We got there in the end. Deep down, he wanted it, but he wanted it on his own timescale. (I was 38 and he 44 btw!).

I hope he comes around. Mine did, thank god, but he would swing from "my life is over", to "yeah, I'm really excited". In all honesty, you need to be prepared in your head to go it alone. Otherwise you're in danger of him making you feel guilty/inadequate/getting in the way of his footy.

You and baby now come as a pair smile Congratulations flowers and best of luck x

LondonGirl83 Thu 25-Aug-16 17:16:50

Hmm, that's tough situation. So you guys said you didn't want kids but if you had one by accident so be it? That's a very unusual stance.

If I was unexpectedly forced to have a child, I'm not sure what my emotions would be. Still, he needs to man up now. Tell him he needs to accept that you are having this baby, that his life will change and get on board, positive and involved if he wants the marriage to work.

You might be better off spending some time apart until he's there mentally and emotionally.

A child is a big deal. If someone wasn't ever planning on having children the emotions involved must be overwhelming (its overwhelming even when you want and have been trying for a baby).

He'll either come around or he won't but if you really want this baby, you may need to be prepared to sacrifice your relationship for it and be prepared to be a single mom.

I hope it all works out!

Ebbenmeowgi Fri 26-Aug-16 07:46:21

Sounds like he's in a right panic, it is really early days though so hopefully he'll get over himself and stop being so childish! We were actively trying for a baby over a year and my partner still panicked when I got pregnant grin he only started to get excited after hearing baby's heartbeat at the first scan

PacificDogwod Fri 26-Aug-16 07:51:03

Congratulations on your pregnancy! thanks

He sounds like a 40 yo man-child hmm
If he was that much against a pregnancy, of course he should have taken control of his fertility and had the snip.

I have a DH obsessed with his sport and, trust me, it won't get any better when DCs come along hmm
So, either give him time to come round/fall in love with his child when he/she arrives, or tell him you are doing it on your own. Which might actually be easier than having to look after a baby and a man child.

Good luck.

PacificDogwod Fri 26-Aug-16 07:52:48

Continue or end the pregnancy if you want to - do NOT do either because of him (I deal with the fall-out of regretted terminations professionally).

BeingATwatItsABingThing Fri 26-Aug-16 07:55:59

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Yes, your DH might be in a flap because it's still early days. You said that he doesn't want to come to scans and he won't take time off work for it. That screams alarm bells at me. What if he shows that kind of resentment to the child when they are here? That could do serious damage to them and you.

I really hope he comes around but if he doesn't MN will still be here to help you through it. flowers

onecrazycook Fri 26-Aug-16 09:10:03

Thank you guys. He's just so up and down with our housing situation as well as this. Having not had such a shit storm happen to us all at once before, this is the first time i can honestly say I don't know what he's thinking. We put an offer on a new home last week and yesterday discovered we can't afford the deposit on it as its a new build and we'd need a larger deposit than first thought. So the whole "my life is shit" stuff started on again with him. Ugh. I just need something good to happen to settle things down and perhaps he'll come around.

NewIdeasToday Fri 26-Aug-16 09:16:01

He doesn't sound like a twat at all. He sounds like someone who was reasonably clear that he didn't want kids. He has other priorities and interests which he clearly enjoys. And financial you're not in a good position to have the extra costs of a baby, maternity leave,childcare costs etc. Will his parents even be willing for you to continue living with them with a baby?

SolomanDaisy Fri 26-Aug-16 09:34:26

Has he also been continuing to spend a load of money on attending football while you're homeless? He doesn't sound like he enjoys being a grown up. People make offers on houses and don't get them all the time, but he doesn't seem to have much resilience. It's possible he recognises that he is not emotionally developed enough to be a decent father. You have to decide whether you'd be better off alone.

paddypants13 Fri 26-Aug-16 09:38:45

Congratulations op! flowers

It sounds like panic to me and I can understand why with your current housing situation.

He will have to change his lifestyle, you both will. No, he won't be able to spend as much time at football as he does now, it's time for him to grow up and move onto bigger and better things. Once your child is older he will be able to take him/her to football matches and hopefully they will have a shared passion and hobby. What about buying a team kit for baby?

MagikarpetRide Fri 26-Aug-16 09:43:35

I was in your position a long time ago, though I was a lot younger so the age factor hadn't come into it thankfully.

My h was like yours, all about how his life would be affected, how we weren't in the right position (we could have been easily but he needed to be near his mummy and we couldn't afford that but no compromise was to be had) and how much mummy wasn't ready to be a gm yet. The pressure and my mh at the time led me down the abortion route.

I hated him for it. He still to this day believes he was nothing but supportive and it was my choice solely to abort. He doesn't even see that claiming that shows how little input he wanted in the whole affair. Doesn't recognise he put me in an us or him situation.

We went on to get ourselves into a better situation in order to have DCs. But in the end there was no redeeming our marriage.

I'm lucky because I moved on. Found DH and have 2 beautiful DCs. But I left that place with no marriage, no child and nothing but heartbreak and debt.

You need to put you first. He isn't going to. He's not at this stage thinking about anything other than him. Don't think he's thinking about your marriage either here. Good luck

Hawkmoth Fri 26-Aug-16 09:49:15

For the football fan in him, taking your child to the football is a joy. No exaggeration.

We don't get to go to the football much now but when we do, with at least one child, it makes it better than before. Me and DH support different teams though so there were a few issues with tiny football kits etc.

Apart from him being monumentally unsupportive and childish, let him know that passing on his love of his team to the next generation will be one of the most enjoyable things he will experience.

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