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How to Tell Estranged Mum I'm Pregnant

(15 Posts)
Sugarcoma Fri 19-Aug-16 12:34:01

So it's still early days (just gone 7 weeks) but I'm already dreading having to tell her if and when we get to the right time (definitely not before 3 months).

I have not had a great relationship with her since my teens, often marked with long periods of not speaking (at one point, a few years ago, there was about two years where we barely spoke to each other and when we did we'd just argue).

It's not that she's done anything terrible (although there have been the odd things that were very unmotherly) but overall she's a very selfish, very stubborn person who only does things that suit her own agenda (while telling me how awful I am) and, on top of that, I've always felt she never really liked me.

The two things I'm mainly worried about are a) once I tell her she'll decide to try and patch things up just so she can play the caring mum (especially in front of her friends) but I know it'll all be fake and will fall apart eventually like it always does and b) that I'll end up like her especially if I have a DD.

It's really getting me down atm so any advice on how to tell her and how to set boundaries would be much appreciated.

blue2014 Fri 19-Aug-16 12:42:10

You know you don't have to tell her? My mum was NC with her mum for years and getting pregnant with me didn't change that.

It's also really unlikely you'll end up like her. My mum is the best mum who ever existed and her mum is awful. There is no link.

blue2014 Fri 19-Aug-16 12:42:33

Ps. Congrats on your pregnancy flowers

daisydalrymple Fri 19-Aug-16 12:43:50

How often are you in contact now? If there is no contact do you actually want a reconciliation?

Bee182814 Fri 19-Aug-16 12:52:45

You don't need to tell her OP. I've been NC with my step mother (who raised me - use the term raised loosely) since my DS was a few weeks old and have had sporadic contact with biological mum all my life. Im currently 39 weeks pg and haven't told step mother as I haven't spoken to her. I decided to tell my biological mum whenever we next spoke as we go long periods with no contact although no particular reason for it iyswim. If it makes you feel any better, I felt just as anxious about telling my dad who I don't have half as many issues with. Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable and get used to putting yourself, your feelings and your baby first. Congratulations flowers

Jackie0 Fri 19-Aug-16 12:55:01

Why bother telling her ?

Bee182814 Fri 19-Aug-16 12:57:33

Also FWIW op, I've got a 2 yo DS and was always worried about being the kind of mothers my step mum and biological mum were and I can categorically say that I'm nothing like either of them! I'm expecting a girl this time and was worried that I would somehow be a worse mum to a girl because of my relationships with both mum and step mum but I think even just allowing that concern to cross your mind shows the difference between you as individuals and will be great!

roseteapot101 Fri 19-Aug-16 13:00:53

i think not telling her a good option it will hopefully wake her up and start thinking.That her behaviour has led to her missing important family moments

maybe if you dont tell her she will eventually come to her senses and apologise

if not then you have avoided the stress entirely as she clearly not interested in being nice thus you were in the right

Fluffycloudland77 Fri 19-Aug-16 13:01:28

Why tell her?

Lweji Fri 19-Aug-16 13:04:54

I agree that you don't have to tell her.
If she contacts you, then I'd let her know, but I wouldn't contact her just to tell her the news, no.

Sugarcoma Fri 19-Aug-16 13:22:36

Thanks all I appreciate the input.

The problem is I'll obviously be telling the rest of the family so she will definitely find out and it just feels like too big a statement not to tell her at all. She was a good mother when I was younger (if never particularly maternal) but as she's gotten older she's just become very selfish and extremely stubborn but that just doesn't feel like enough of a reason not to tell her at all (in my head it just feels like that should be reserved for abusive parents or similar).

Lweji Fri 19-Aug-16 14:18:59

Are you in contact with the rest of the family? Do they ring you regularly?

Trifleorbust Fri 19-Aug-16 17:25:01

Just email or text her: "Thought you should know, I am X months pregnant." And leave it there.

kiki22 Fri 19-Aug-16 20:48:45

Tell her when you speak to her avoid offers of help don't let her buy you things if she wants to tell her an outfit when the baby comes is fine, don't let her come to appointments or anything in my experience you need to lay down a barrier from the start.

My mum is the opposite in that she's very maternal with babies and little children likes to take care of them however over the years I realised it was for herself to make her feel needed and wanted, she doesn't like us having our own lives and is very selfish in her needs so didn't want us to grow up and leave her. When my niece was born my sister was very young (17) so my mum stepped right into the mummy role and pushed my sister out (to be fair my sister let her) because it made her feel important and gave her the power again so when I found out I was pregnant 4 years later I immediately started to put some lines in place. I try never to ask for anything from her even down to nappy changes its worked well since I never allowed her any power there was never a struggle and she quickly got bored trying to fight me on it since I politely refused help and refused to fuss or budge.

Ricecreespees Fri 19-Aug-16 20:53:56

Congratulations sweetheart! Tell her very briefly with a quick text is she has a phone and if not just call her up and let her know but be "in a rush to get somewhere" so you can't talk for long. Good luck xxx

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