8 months pregnant and partner just left me

[LilyBlue1]

Came home tonight and he'd packed his bags and gone. So lonely and afraid. Can anyone help?

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

Yes, it would help to hear the background. Was there a quarrel, or any warning signs?

[LondonRoo]

Oh my...

My ex-h did this when I was at work one day and it is a terrible shock and I wasn't pregnant at the time. (I did live to tell the tale and now think its the best thing he ever done for me.)

I hope you're not alone and have family and friends supporting you?

[Salemthecat]

Hope you're okay OP. Keep chatting to us and we'll help you. You can do this, with or without him.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Sorry to read this OP. Hope you come back for some support. Keep talking. It WILL be fine.

[LilyBlue1]

Sorry guys. Just struggling to function at the moment. The main crux of the problem is his attachment to his family. Basically, we'd only been together for just under a year when I found out I was expecting. It's my first baby and given my age(40) quite a surprise. He seemed panicked it had always talked about us having children one day e very I'd warned him it might not be possible due to my age. He is 35. Anyway, getting through the pregnancy hasn't been easy. I have been so exhausted and I'll but adore my little one and feel lucky to have him. My OH moved in with me three months ago and things have gone from ad to worse. Most of them time we are really happy together. But the problem is his family. He literally spends virtually every day with them. I am
Not exaggerating. They live an hour away and while at first I thought it was wonderful that he was a devoted family man as it meant he would be a good dad, I have now realised it is much more than that. He literally drops everything to go and seethed or be there for them over the slightest trivial
Thing (even though they all live near each other). Since moving in he's made little effort to set up a new life and home Ruth me and keeps darting back there at every given opportunity. Lately I have been struggling at home with simple tasks yet he's always off back to Middlesex to play or watch football, or see his family. After falling down the stairs a few weeks ago I broke down and told him I needed more help at home, that I was tired of him going off to meet their needs all the time when his priority should be me and his baby. Also that I was fed up doing everything at home while he sat on his arse watching sport day and night. I don't want to be one of those women who nag, but surely there has to
be some compromise? His job finished in July and instead of securing a new one for September (he's a teacher) he has done nothing but have fun with his family or watch sport day and night since. I have struggled to carry on working and am paying most of the bills. After agreeing to help out more, he then die t six out of ten days buggering off back to Middlesex to hang out with his family every day. At this lint -after six days of being left on my own - I'd had enough. I told him from
Now on he could come and go as he pleased and watch all the sport he wanted and that i would never ask for his help
With anything again. He said, 'Finally you see my point of view and will stop interfering in my life.' I told him that mentally I had just given up as I was tired if being hurt. He told me I didn't know the meaning of hurt and that the last year had been the worst of his life, that I had broken him and ruined his life. I admit I have found pregnancy hard and I guess sometimes my hormones have played up and I have been irrational. But things started off badly when his mum told him at the beginning he had made a huge mistake having a baby with me and that there was always a 'way out'. I have never been able to forget that. She also 'warned' me in the beginning that he was very close to his family and that I would have to accept that. I guess I thought that meant he would be close to us too but clearly not. I told him when he said he wanted to come and go as he pleased the other night that if that was the case, I would too. I can't even tell you how lonely I have been during the last few stages of this pregnancy. I have no family of my own -no support. And most days I haven't the energy to go out and do things although I have tried. I went to the cinema on my own last night just to get a break from him yelling at me. When I came back he'd packed a bag and left. So now it's me and baby. And I am terrified about how I am going to provide for him with no support or help. Xx

[LilyBlue1]

And just to add, he says he's had an awful miserable year with me but seems to have forgotten the four free luxury holidays he's had in that year (which I paid for), the fact that I took his entire family away for an amazing luxury camping weekend, all the nice presents I have bought him and the meals I have cooked him and surprises for his birthdays. The fun nights out with my friends, the laughs we've had and cuddles and kisses. The times I have picked him up emotionally when he's felt down about his former teaching job. Me looking after him for ten days recently when he had a hernia operation day and night despite being eight months pregnant (even then he wanted to stay at his parents house the first night). Of course - in his eyes it's all been 'awful' for him. I really feel he should be around helping me out more. The baby could come at any time and I am alone all day every day. Maybe it's boring for him sitting in with a pregnant woman but it isn't exactly fun for me either not being able to do anything and feeling sick all the time. I won't even have anyone to help me through the birth now. But chances are he would have been at his mums then as well anyway! I haven't met anyone so obsessed with being with their family before. Surely his mum should be telling him to go home to his pregnant partner and look after her rather than asking him to drive over every day to watch the Olympics or help his dad out with his car or any other of the stupid numerous things they call on him for. Am I being selfish things we should be the priority right now. Guess it's irrelevant now anyway as he's gone.

[LilyBlue1]

I wish I had a best friend or a sister here or just someone who cared. I get dizzy and faint sometimes and am terrified the baby might get hurt.

[Whatsername17]

He is a ridiculous man child. Seriously, his behaviour is not normal. My dh is close to his family too but we are a family and our little family comes first. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Is their anyone you can call?

[Whatsername17]

My mil would kick my dd's arse if he even contemplated Levington me alone and pregnant. Have you got into contact with him at all?

[Disappointednomore]

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

[LilyBlue1]

Sorry again - many typos in the first post. It should have read like this:

The main crux of the problem is his attachment to his family. Basically, we'd only been together for just under a year when I found out I was expecting. It's my first baby and given my age (40) it was quite a surprise. He seemed panicked but had always talked about us having children one day, even though I'd warned him it might not be possible due to my age. He is 35. Anyway, getting through the pregnancy hasn't been easy. I have been so exhausted and ill but adore my little one and feel lucky to have him. My other half moved in with me three months ago and things have gone from bad to worse. He was reluctant to move away from the area where his family is but you have to move on at some stage and make a life for yourself as a grown man surely? Anyway, most of the time we are really happy together. But the problem is his family. He literally spends virtually every day with them. I am not exaggerating. They live an hour away and while at first I thought it was wonderful that he was a devoted family man as it meant he would be a good dad, I have now realised it is much more than that. He literally drops everything to go and see them or be there for them over the slightest trivial thing (even though they all live near each other and could help one another out of need be). Since moving in with me he's made little effort to set up a new life and home with me and keeps darting back there at every given opportunity.
Lately I have been struggling at home with simple tasks yet he's always off back to Middlesex to play or watch football, or see his family. Was three or four times a week at first but now almost daily.
After falling down the stairs a few days ago I broke down and told him I needed more help at home, that I was tired of him going off to meet their needs all the time when his priority should be me and his baby. Also that I was fed up doing everything at home while he sat on his arse watching sport day and night. And being lonely.
I don't want to be one of those women who nag, but surely there has to be some compromise?
His job finished in July and instead of securing a new one for September (he's a teacher) or even temping to save some money through the summer, he has done nothing but have fun with his family or watch sport day and night since. I have struggled to carry on working and am paying most of the bills.
After agreeing to help out more, he then spent six out of seven days buggering off back to Middlesex to hang out with his family every day. At this point -after six days of being left on my own - I'd had enough. I got in a mood and shit myself away and he snapped at me. I told him I wasn't arguing - from now on he could come and go as he pleased and watch all the sport he wanted and that i would never ask for his help with anything again. He said, 'Finally you see my point of view and will stop interfering in my life!'
I told him that mentally I had just given up as I was tired if being hurt. He scoffed and told me I didn't know the meaning of hurt and that the last year had been the worst of his life, that I had 'broken' him with my 'psychological games' and ruined his life. I admit I have found pregnancy hard and I guess sometimes my hormones have played up and I have had down days.
But things started off badly when his mum told him at the beginning he had made a huge mistake having a baby with me and that there was always a 'way out'. Even though she barely knew me. I have never been able to forget that. She also 'warned' me in the beginning by text that he was very close to his family and that I would have to accept that. I guess I thought that meant he would be close to us too but clearly not.
I told him when he said he wanted to come and go as he pleased the other night that if that was the case, I would too. Not that I can go anywhere. I can't even tell you how lonely I have been during the last few stages of this pregnancy. I have no family of my own and no support. And most days I haven't the energy to go out and do things although I have tried. I went to the cinema on my own last night just to get a break from him yelling at me. When I came back he'd packed a bag and left. So now it's me and baby. And I am terrified about how I am going to provide for him with no support or help. Financial or otherwise. My OH said he loved me and wanted this baby so why is he always running off? Just doesn't seem to want to be here at all.

[LilyBlue1]

I haven't contacted him. What's the point? If he doesn't want to be here that's his choice. I would never beg him to come back.
Why should I put up with a guy who abandons his family every day to spend time with his parents like a little boy? Even my friend said on the phone that any half decent mum would tell him to not be there and go home and look after his pregnant partner. Yet his mum constantly calls him for one trivial thing or another - even though she has another sons and two daughters nearby. If he keeps buggering off now he's going to be worse when we have a crying baby on our hands and are up to our necks in nappies. I just think he wants the idealism of fatherhood (paying football with his son and doing the fun stuff) but not the actual reality. The reality is sacrificing a lot in your life to put your child first. Now I am also asking myself, if he bails when we row over small things like this (to be fair, we only ever row about this issue) how will he cope if we ever have to face real hardship together? Like a sick child, bereavement or losing s home?

[LilyBlue1]

His argument is that he always asks if I am
cool with him going over there. Of course I
not going to say no - it's not up to me to tell
him to stay home if he doesn't want to. Plus he should know for himself it's wrong. And I
generally ok with him spending time with them. Then it gets to day give or six in a row and I just get fed up and in a mood and shut myself away. I know it's childish but I can't help it. If I try to talk to him he yells at me saying I should never talk about his family.

[LilyBlue1]

I can't stop crying. I feel like I have let my baby down 😢

[toptoe]

What a nightmare. But your life with a man who berates a pregnant woman like this would have been hell. You won't have to escape to the cinema again from his yelling.

You will manage...you will. If you feel faint, sit down low or lie on the floor. Your baby is protected in the amniotic fluid, but you need to look after you.

This guy sounds like a sponger I'm afraid, so I would let him go quietly or he'll be after your money and energy.

[toptoe]

You haven't let your baby down. This is beyond your control. Far better baby is brought up in a stable home than one where dad isn't committed. You might have carried on trying but by year one it would have been draining for you. Now you can concentrate on you and baby. You are doing what is right for baby.

[SenoritaViva]

Poor you, how terrible. He does not sound normal. I know the enormity of this seems huge now, but you can and will get through this.

I know it is late, but have can you investigate using a doula or similar as a birth support partner? You sound like you have been financially independent up until now, you can carry on. You will make friends with babies and meet other mums along the way.
Although you won't see this now, you're better off without him.
Deal with things in bite size chunks, sort out birth planning now and look after yourself and your baby.

[SenoritaViva]

Also, I just wanted to say that what is so much more lonelier than being alone is being with someone and being lonely.
With him gone, he won't be letting you down and actually this is better and less exhausting.

I believe he will regret it.

[LilyBlue1]

I don't know any more. All I know is I am tired of him buggering off and leaving me all
the time. I was very independent before and travelled the world with my job. I guess that's what he liked about me. But obviously things are different now. He says he loves me and would never let me down and that I have driven him to breaking point with my moods and 'psychological games.' He kisses and cuddles me every day and makes me breakfast, and even kisses my belly good morning every day. But then once I am up and about he's gone again. He also says not to worry, that he will be working come September and apparently has applied for temp work. I guess it would be easier to believe if I could actually see him job hunting rather than sitting watching TV daily. Maybe it is s little bit my fault for being hormonal and moody sometimes and that pushes him away. But it still doesn't change the fact that he puts his own family first all the time and had done since day one. I just can't compete with that and I'm exhausted.

[LilyBlue1]

Every time I think of Milo (my baby's name) I feel so guilty. Like I should have picked someone more dependable who would look after us. And I feel bad for crying and having anxiety attacks as I want him to be born calm and happy. How on earth am I going to provide a roof over his head when I am not working? That's what I am most worried about. My rent is over £1k a month 😢

[LilyBlue1]

Strangely I miss him already. I do love him and believe to some extent he loves me. But I also think he just wants a partner who will place no demands on him and let him carry on as normal and I just can't do that as it isn't fair on me. One thing he has continued to say all along during the pregnancy is 'I'll be fair you know - if I can carry on with football and stuff I'll be fair and let you go off and do things too. But you have to be fair'
That seems to be his worry - that he won't be able to have the freedom he had before. Well the fact is he won't. Because he will have a baby and a family to care for. It comes with the territory I'm afraid and is the same for me. Am I wrong in thinking he should be more concerned about that than whether he will still be able to play football?? I have never stopped him from doing anything he wants. Ever. But realistically, he probably WILL need to be home a lot more when the baby is little. It's just a fact.
Well, he would have had to be if he'd stuck around.
What the hell have I done? I have completely messed up my life...😢😢

[LilyBlue1]

I just feel like I have nothing to offer Milo now - no family or father. Just me. And none of this is his fault.

[Becciilouisex3]

"I have nothing to offer Milo now, just me". You are all you need to offer him - you're his mom! I can't imagine what you're going through but I think you're dead right when you say if he can't cope now, he would be a nightmare when Milo is here. A hormonal pregnant lady is one thing but your first newborn child, completely dependant on you is another!

It will be hard but I honestly think you're better of without him. He's given you Milo and that's a blessing, that's all you needed from him!

Good luck

[LilyBlue1]

Don't any of you think it is my fault? Would it not have been better to just let him have his own way and at least be here to give me some attention sometimes? Irony is he mum sent me a message asking how I was feeling and saying heft old her the other day that I was s bit under the weather. As if she doesn't know he's left me! I ignored it. I just don't know if she is being genuine or manipulative. Well, if she wanted her son all
to herself she's got him now. And broken up a family in the meantime. Well done her.
I know you're all saying I'll manage but how? His can I work and look after a newborn? I self employed so won't even get maternity pay