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Am I being unreasonable?

(23 Posts)
Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:18:27

Hey everyone.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. I feel like I'm having no support from my boyfriend at all.

We have been together 2 years. He is the nicest, kindest person you will meet and everyone thinks so.

But I'm not a priority for him. I feel like I never have been. He seems to put sport and his friends way before my needs and lately it seems he doesn't want to be near me. I've hardly saw him this week due to his other "commitments".

I'm incredibly hormonal and feeling scared because my body is changing and I don't feel as attractive. He hasn't made any effort to reassure me.

He worries about the fianancial side of things yet he will quite happy go and spend hundreds of pounds on new things for himself.

He promises me things will change. I'm currently sat here thinking "Haha we will see".

I really do not know what to do. We love one another but he is so set in his ways acting like a teenage boy! I've had enough of feeling miserable because of this.


Nowthereistwo Sat 06-Aug-16 09:26:30

Yanbu buy equally what makes you think he's going to change.

If your first dc his? How was he then?

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:32:08

Nothing makes me think he's going to change. I feel like I've just told myself he will for these past 2 years and I hang on to false hope.

No she isn't . He is excellent with her though. Always making sure she is happy and can't seem to do enough when he's with her.

SpeakNoWords Sat 06-Aug-16 09:35:19

Do you live together?

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:36:23

We have our own houses but he is planning on moving in here in a few months.

ElspethFlashman Sat 06-Aug-16 09:37:20

If he's been like this the entirety of your relationship then this is who he is.

The good news is that you are in no panic as the baby won't arrive for ages and ages.

I would quietly start to think about what my life would look like if I were not living with him. If you remain good friends, you could have a much more satisfactory co parenting relationship than if you were to remain and try to beat a dead horse. And beat your friendship to death at the same time.

Desmondo2016 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:39:53

It's quite normal for men to have a bit of a panic at the impending changes and this doesn't mean they're not happy with them. What he does need to do though is make sure he's prioritising his budding New family's needs and giving you that little extra but of reassurance. The money issue is almost a separate one. Now you have a baby in the way together you should be sitting down and working out how the finances will work.. otherwise you risk being skinto on maternity leave whilst little changes for him. Have you spoken to him about all the things in your post? Men can be a little immature a bit longer than they should sometimes so it's probably best you speak to him, give him a chance to put his big boy pants on and start acting more appropriately. If he continues to act like a teenager after that then you may have slightly bigger issues in your hands. But also remember at 8 weeks your hormones are all over the shop so allow a little bit of leeway for that!

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:40:30

I know I think you're right. The thought of not having him kills me. When we are together everything is good. We hardly ever argue and he is very attentive. It just seems to be less and less just now. I'm unsure if he is just struggling to come to terms with things. He isn't great at talking openly.

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:44:52

Desmondo, thank you. I feel like I'm being unreasonable. I'm usually quite easy going but just now I feel like I'm being the neediest woman on earth.

I've spoken to him about everything and he really is quite devastated by how some of his actions are making me feel. He says everything is going to change and he understands he needs to put us first.

I guess I'm just feeling very alone in this. Everything in my head is revolving around the baby I think he maybe is taking longer to adjust to it.

Desmondo2016 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:48:24

You wont be being unreasonable, definitely not, but all emotions are enhanced. It sounds like he wants to get it right though. Make sure you have the money talk BEFORE he moves in. He needs to fully understand, accept and support that you and your daughter and household bills all need catering for over funky new sports stuff and his social life!

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 09:53:26

I feel like I'm being quite scary atm grin. Morning sickness combined with raging hormones doesn't make for a very happy woman. He says he will always do right by us and I'm everything to him. He's just quite a boy at heart, I hope we can fix this.

Thank you

SpeakNoWords Sat 06-Aug-16 09:54:50

You're not being unreasonable at all. It's no good him saying that things will change, as things have changed and he should be sorting his life out now not later.

You've got a lot of sorting stuff out to do, and I would sit down with him and try and talk through finances now and for when you're on maternity leave. Try and get firm decisions and actions from him so that you know what position you're going to be in. If he won't do this then you'll know that you're likely to be doing this on your own, sadly.

ElspethFlashman Sat 06-Aug-16 09:59:34

Do you even know his salary? As in, have you seen any payslips? That would not be an unreasonable request considering the baby.

And you need his details to work out what he would be paying in maintenance should he not step up in the relationship.

You need to know at the back of your mind how Plan B would go in reality, in other words.

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:00:05

Speaknowords, you're absolutely right. I really don't believe he would ever leave us. I think I'm just panicking that everything isn't going to be ready in time (crazy considering I'm only 8 weeks) and that things won't stable out.

I'm considering waiting a few weeks until im less all over the shop and seeing what happens.

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:01:37

Yeah I know his salary. He makes a really good wage as do I myself. So we are quite lucky in that aspect. I like things being organised as soon as possible I think this is what's getting to me.

SpeakNoWords Sat 06-Aug-16 10:05:01

I wouldn't wait, especially as he is supposed to be moving in with you. How is that all going to work? Are you going to have a joint account, how will you sort out bills etc etc? I'd want all that sorted well before the baby arrives.

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:09:16

Yeah, we've already got a joint savings account we both put money into. There are things like this which make me believe he is serious about the future. It's just his actions at times are quite inconsiderate.

LottieL Sat 06-Aug-16 10:11:19

You need to have an open and honest conversation with him about what bothers you and what you think he could do to change things for the better. Maybe he will have things to say to you that you won't have thought of from his perspective and hopefully it will help!
Why didn't you have this conversation before you got pregnant though? If he's always been like this it can't be a shock that it's continued surely?

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:23:48

We had a very unexpected pregnancy. I was on birth control and just started feeling ill. I don't get a period with it so I never had any reason to think I was. i just started having strange sensations and went to the doctor and he confirmed it

ElspethFlashman Sat 06-Aug-16 10:38:09

Yeah but he's been putting other people and outings ahead of you and he hasn't been around much since you got pregnant, right?

The fact is that when you're not living together it's a weird limbo. Cos it's rare for people who don't live together to expect to see each other more than say 3 times a week. But now you're pregnant and are alone a lot.

How much do you need to see him now? You need to spell it out. If you need him to stay over every night you need to say. Or even every other night. What has your routine prior to the pregnancy and was it ever enough for you?

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:44:04

Yeah, he is. These things were booked prior to pregnancy which I wasn't bothered about but a couple have propped up which I'm not happy about.

He works long shifts sometimes 14 hours and on days like that he gets home late and I'm usually in bed so it makes sense for him to stay at his. Every other night is what I'm hoping for.

Our routine before I fell pregnant fluctuated between him being there quite a lot to how it is now. I didn't mind that if I'm honest but perhaps now it's only bothering me because I'm so hormonal. I don't know if I'm just being exceptionally needy!

ElspethFlashman Sat 06-Aug-16 10:58:48

Tbh he needs it spelt out. Cos it's been ad-hoc till now. And presumably he doesn't understand you have additional needs.

At 8 weeks things haven't really changed other than nausea, which he can't help much with. So possibly he doesn't think there's any urgency to turn things down .

I think it's more important at the moment you feel like he's always contactable for a virtual handhold. Do you?

Carmen1001 Sat 06-Aug-16 11:27:42

Yeah, I think you're right. I think what I'm doing wrong here is I'm just moaning about everything but not actually telling him what I want!

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