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Partner left me at 9 weeks.

(9 Posts)
user1469537989 Wed 03-Aug-16 14:57:13

Hi all,

I've been reading lots of threads on this but I'm looking for advice myself.
As the title says, my partner of over 3 years left me when I was 9 weeks pregnant, I'm now 24 weeks.
Our relationship was always complicated, he had separated with his wife not long before we met and has 2 kids with her. I'm 24 and he's 37.
About 1 year ago we moved in together and although our relationship between the two of us was great, there was always the issue of his ex and his kids. He never divorced, said it was due to financial worries and I never met his kids. He said his kids weren't ready to meet me yet but when we found out we were pregnant he wanted to move forward to having me meet his kids etc.
When we found out we were both excited, although we weren't planning at the time to become pregnant it was something we both wanted for the future.

The problems started 2 weeks after we found out, he told his ex about the pregnancy and things went down hill from there. She told him I wasn't getting to meet his kids and that they wouldn't have anything to do with our baby. The arguments started and it got to the point where we were arguing every day and he ended the relationship. He instantly regretted it and we tried to patch things up, however that's when all his lies started to unravel..

About 2 months after breaking up, he sent me an email which turned my world up side down. In this email he told me that himself and his 'ex' had never been separated. When we met he was still living in his marital home, which he told me was for the sake of his kids as they were still young. Looking back, that should have told me to run for the hills but I understood, I had friends growing up who's parents lived separate lives in the same house for the sake of the kids. Eventually, after 2 years he moved out and we moved in together. At the weekend, he was supposedly going to his parents to look after his kids when in fact he was going back to his home with her.
In this email he explained that when he had moved in with me that he had told his wife it was a trial separation for them and his parents thought he had got this flat to makes things easier for work.
His parents never knew about me, neither did his wife or kids.
Everything he told me over our relationship was full of lies.
I had no reason to suspect he was lying to me, we spent most of our time together, went on holiday several times together and spend time with each other's friends etc.

The most shocking thing about this email was that he confessed he wanted to make things work with his wife for the sake of his kids and family. He had told her everything and he had forgiven him. Although he's determined he wants to be involved in our baby's life.

Our communication over the months has been nothing short of appalling. He's not been to one midwife appointment, hospital appointment (high risk pregnancy) or scan. In fact he missed the 20 week scan because he went to America with his wife and kids.

After I received his email, I saw red and immediately fired at him that I don't want him involved and forwarded the email to his parents so they knew the truth, after all I didn't have to tell them, he said it all himself.

We met a couple of weeks ago to try and figure out how to move forward and it was horrendous. I couldn't look at him without wanting to break down and eventually I did. I told him that if he was going back to his wife to play happy families then I didn't want him involved with our baby. I can't see how it's ever going to work in our child's benefit, and I can only see her (it's a baby girl smile) getting hurt because of the situation. How can she ever have a proper relationship with her father when he left her for the sake of making his other two kids happy. She will never be able to spend quality time with him, she'll never be able to stay the night with him, she'll never be able to go on a family holiday with him.
He told me that he was deffo going to make it work with her and that I'm being unreasonable.. Maybe I am but I don't want my daughter to be the outcast of his ready made family.

I'm now at a loss of what to do. On one hand I don't want her growing up without her father in her life. On the other hand I don't want him to have anything to do with her, he's proven that he's a toxic, lying, cheating excuse of a man.

I'm terrified that if I put him on her birth certificate he will take action to gain access to her and it won't be on my terms but if I don't put him on the birth certificate I think I'll later regret it.

Please help.

Pops1985 Wed 03-Aug-16 15:32:31

I don't have any helpful advice but just from a technical point of view I don't think you can put his name on the birth certificate if he isn't present (unless you guys are married). So you will have to see how you feel about things when the baby is here.

It does sound awful but maybe if you set up a very strict visitation schedule whereby he saw her for a structured day a week or every two weeks then you will soon find out if he is committed to making the effort. If not then hopefully your daughter will be too young to notice. It does sounds tricky though, because if his wife doesn't want him to have anything to do with you or the baby its going to stay very segregated and as you say, not very nice for your daughter.

Best of luck with it all

Pearlman Wed 03-Aug-16 15:40:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

divadee Wed 03-Aug-16 16:01:54

I have nothing to add to the others, but just wanted to send you hugs and say look after yourself and the little bump you have cooking. Children need love and care and you can do that without any help from a man. It must be horrific to be lied to like that. Take time for yourself and have a friend to talk to xxxx

Fontella Wed 03-Aug-16 16:10:18

You can't put his name on the earth certificate without him being present.

However the issue here is that this bloke has been living a double life and you and the child you are carrying are the victims of that. Would you have moved in with him and conceived a child with him and all the rest of it, if you had known the truth of the situation?

He has lied to you from the beginning. You entire relationship is built on a devious deception, of which you, until recently were completely oblivious. I'd be absolutely fucking furious if I were you and I don't blame you at all for your knee jerk reaction in forwarding his email to his parents.

As for his wife - he's had a long term relationship with you, lied to her as much, if not more than he's been lying to you, lying to his own family, fathering a child with another woman ... and still she has him back? More fool her is all I can say.

He's a Walter Mitty - living a double life requires a breathtaking degree of lying and deception and he's carried if off over a lengthy period of time. If I were in your shoes I'd count myself lucky to be rid of him, but when it comes to your child only you can decide. I can't get over how he has the nerve to call you 'unreasonable'.

You are being a fucking sight more reasonable that I would be in the circumstances by even agreeing to meet him to find a way forward. I'm not surprised you broke down - which isn't good for either you or the baby, and to be put through that sort of emotional strain, on top of everything else is not on.

I'd tell him to fuck off personally. If he wants to be a father to this child then he needs to prove himself after the event, but right now you shouldn't be having to deal with his shit, especially so soon after discovery. Focus on yourself and having a healthy baby ... and just ignore this fucker.

Give yourself some time and space. Contact etc. can be returned to after the child is born but right now your focus should be on your health and well-being and that of your unborn child.

Fontella Wed 03-Aug-16 18:17:46

earth certificate ??

No idea where that came from.


LuckyinOctober Wed 03-Aug-16 19:30:26

Sounds like you've been through a lot, and unwittingly been part of his cheating ways. There are no winners from the situation, but there is the hope that your little girl will be a new chapter in your life, and you have some choice and say in how things will go with her dad. For now, my thoughts would be to take a complete break from any contact with him to allow yourself to process and grieve for the loss of the relationship with him you thought you had, then much later on nearer the time of the birth, review practically what you want to do with him going on the birth certificate, contact etc once your emotions have had time to settle and you can think more clearly about what will be best for your daughter. In your position I'd consider looking into some counselling to talk all this through, and possibly make an appointment with Citizens Advice later on to find out practical stuff about contact arrangements, maintenance etc

user1469537989 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:31:00

He asked me to make sure that he's on he birth certificate but I don't think he deserves to have the same parental rights as myself, not after all his revelations.

Had I known the truth - I would have ran as fast as I could but I had no clue, he always seemed to be open and honest. I'll certainly never be so trusting of someone again.

Believe me - I was furious, after the initial breakdown when I read the email and a colleague having to literally pick me up from the floor, I was furious. I went hell for leather on him but had to calm myself down for not only my sake but my daughters sake too.

I can't wrap my head around how he done what he did for so long. i also can't wrap my head around why she would take him back but as you said, more fool her. I'm sure it won't be long until he's out doing the same all over again.

I just can't stand the fact that he seems to have landed on his feet, his whole family is around him supporting him and I'm the one left to deal with all the consequences of his actions.

I'm trying to cut him off but he keeps contacting me, going on and on about why our relationship ended (apparently it's all my fault with the way I explode when he 'disappoints' me and how I react). What he doesn't seem to be grasping is that fact that I couldn't care less about being broken up from him, I would never go near him again. At this moment I wouldn't care if he got hit by a bus!

I just want what best for my daughter and her future and I can't figure if that's with him in her life or without.

Thanks for your replies smile!

Fontella Thu 04-Aug-16 23:30:23

He can't be on the birth certificate unless he is there with you in person when you register the birth and does it himself.

I was living with my ex for 10 years in a (then) committed relationship, but he still isn't on my grown up son's birth certificate because he never came with me.

You just don't tell him when you are registering the birth and go and do it on your own.

If he proves himself later on he can be added, but from everything you've written about this lying, cheating, fucker ... I wouldn't count on it.

What's best for your daughter'? Him in her life or not in her life? Stop tying yourself up in knots over that. Right now, in the situation you are in you need to consider what's best for you and that is to go no contact with this arsehole. He is bringing you nothing but grief and aggravation, and you are letting him by continuing to interract with him. He's a complete headfuck.

If it's like this now, imagine what it will be like after she's born?

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