18 weeks feeling hideous and very very down

[cobaltblue27]

Dear Everyone,

I am 18 weeks pregnant with my second child and feeling horrendous. I suffered with severe anorexia in my late teens/early twenties and find pregnancy terrifying. I got off pretty lightly with my first, not showing for ages and not gaining much weight. However, I had bad postnatal depression and have since been diagnosed with a couple of autoimmune conditions via a stay in intensive care (coma, ventilator etc) last October. I have struggled to regain my fitness and gained a bit of weight (around 3-4kg) since pre-pregnancy. I was under pressure to have a second child as the conditions I have make it more likely I will have an early menopause. My son was born in Nov 2014 and I am 33. Now I am in the most horrendous state. I found out some severe issues with my marriage, just before I found out I was pregnant, and am not certain I want to stay in it long-term at all: we have no physical relationship as he is not interested in me (porn addiction) and I had to basically prostitute myself in order to get pregnant (horrible horrible horrible experience). It has been a long time since I felt attractive even though historically I felt quite pretty with a slim figure. Now I feel enormous and gross. Found out today at work that colleagues had been speculating about my pregnancy long before I chose to tell anyone, and a colleague just told me I had the 'pregnancy waddle'. I burst into tears and ran out early. I feel like I am living a nightmare in a disgusting body, in a dead marriage, with various bodily systems gradually packing up on me. I genuinely want to die at the moment. My mother told me I was looking rotund yesterday. I know I should feel really lucky but I just feel like I want to slit my wrists. In such a bad way and can't stop crying. I feel like nobody understands as everyone assumes I am happy to be pregnant and I'm not. I wish this wasn't happening o me.

[KateTheShrew]

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I'm afraid I've no personal experience of what you're going through and have been through, so I hope I don't put my foot in it and say the wrong thing, but I couldn't leave your message unanswered.

Have you spoken to your midwife or GP about how you're feeling? I think you need to. Even without all the other things you have going on, being pregnant after having an eating disorder is bound to be difficult, and throw up anxieties about body image. Hopefully if you flag up how you are feeling with your ante natal care team, they will be able to put some strategies in place to help you.

In the meantime is there anyone sympathetic in RL you can talk to? Maybe not your mum, but a sibling or friend? Whatever else you do, please contact your doctor as soon as you can and tell them exactly how low you are feeling.

for you.

[KateTheShrew]

Also, please don't beat yourself up with 'I know I should feel really lucky'.There are many, many reasons why women aren't happy when pregnant (even with planned and much wanted children). Pregnancy is not always a wonderful experience! What I mean is, on top of everything else you're going through, please don't feel guilty about not feeling 'lucky' or 'blessed'.

[juneau]

You poor thing OP - what a rotten situation and at your mean colleagues. Please go and talk to someone - ideally your DM, DSis, cousin, friend - but your GP or MW will also want to help and can probably put you in touch with a counsellor who can give you professional support. for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope you get the support you need.

[juneau]

Sorry - not your DM - although you tell her how her 'rotund' comment made you feel. After your anorexia, etc, and serious health problems she should really be more sensitive with her comments. FWIW I think a lot of women feel fat in those middle months when its not yet obvious that you're pregnant. I remember with DS2 I wore baggy jumpers at that stage - but it was the middle of winter, rather than summer. Be kind to yourself.

[Quodlibet]

Reading your post I really think a visit to the GP is in order. You need to make sure your mental health gets a look in here and it sounds like you are under a lot of strain. Don't concern yourself with what you 'should' feel. It seems like you could do with some professional support - don't be ashamed to ask for it.

[FuzzyOwl]

Oh cobalt what an awful situation for you to be in. Do go and see your doctor so you can be referred to a counsellor and get some help.

[cobaltblue27]

Thanks everyone for writing such kind and sympathetic replies. I know that I would be desperate to listen to and do what I could to make anyone going through what I am going through feel a bit better, but I genuinely don't believe anyone can help and don't feel I have anyone to talk to. None of my closest friends have children (or want them) and I don't have a relationship with any of our GPs and you can't get an appointment for blood nor money near us. The only thing to do would be to have a termination, which feels like a dreadful thing to do at this late stage with a child which is wanted, I am just finding it incredibly overwhelming given the last year or so that I have had. I don't recognise myself any more and feel like I will never recover my old self-esteem or confidence in myself. I did really well academically and my job was going well, and had high standards. Since I've had my son, I have been passed over for promotion, feel repulsive; I hate all my clothes and hate the body that wears them. I cannot take antidepressants as for people with poor/absent adrenal function like me (Addison's disease) you run the risk of your blood sodium levels dropping, and ending up with swelling on the brain, seizure and coma etc etc (this is what I had in October although due my body's inability to respond to an infection, not to antidepressants on that occasion-NB very rare for people to get Addison's and would definitely be considering taking them if it were not for me having it). I have told my husband that I don't see us staying together beyond the next year and he just does nothing to change my mind. Tried to suggest counselling but he just doesn't seem interested. Probably because there is nothing he can do, but I can't help hating him slightly for misleading me and saying there was nothing wrong for ages and that he just had low libido rather than having been w@nking away for years. I cannot stay in a marriage where I know I will never, ever, compete with some nubile body on a computer screen, but the prospects of being a single mother with a life-threatening condition seem very bleak. What a huge mess. I do feel very grateful for all your support though. Thank you. X

[juneau]

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated, on top of everything else. You will be able to get a GP's appt if you call and tell them that you're pregnant and feeling utterly desperate. Or, if you'd rather, please talk to your MW. MWs these days are trained to support women in other ways than just purely caring for their pregnant body. Antenatal depression, body image issues and serious marital problems are all quite common - so please don't suffer in isolation. Your MW will be able to help - maybe not by giving you tablets to take - but she should be able to refer you for CBT or other talking therapies that might help you a lot. I know its hard to reach out when you feel so unwell, so unhappy and so generally beaten down by life, but please do reach out to your health professionals. That's what they're there for - not just to take your blood pressure - but to help with your anxiety, fear and isolation.

[SeashellHoarder]

Just to echo what Juneau said, the midwives will want you to call them.
They will try to help you, I know you think that won't work but please let them try.
X

[KateTheShrew]

Oh cobalt

juneau and Seashell are right: call your midwife and/or your GP practice and tell them how desperate you're feeling. It will not be the first time they've heard this. You don't need to think further ahead than that at the moment -- just make that one phone call and take it one step at a time.

[LynseyH5]

Can I please echo what everyone else has said, please talk to someone as soon as possible.
It sounds like your having a reaction to all that is going on in your life and that's nothing to feel bad about. Your having a tough time of it and have been for a while now.
Personally, if your husband is really that uninterested, I'd make the break now as it sounds like he's just adding to your anxieties. I actually think it'd be a weight off for you if he was one less thing to worry about.
The fact is, you are stronger than your giving yourself credit for, you've reached out on here which is a big step and you're still putting one foot in front of the other even after all what you're dealing with.... I think your doing your best in a really testing time.
Please talk to your midwife as they can put you in touch with people that will help you, they won't judge, they will help you find the best way forward.
In the meantime, remember there are lots of ladies on here offering support and please don't think you have no one to talk to... you can send me a DM if you like :-)
Depression is awful, but you can get through it

[AspiringMother]

I know this isn't your fault OP, but it's a shame that it took 18 weeks for you to realise that an abortion may be what you want. Please reconsider. I had one at 8 weeks a couple of years ago and that was bad enough. I know you have every right to do what you want, because it's your own body, but think of that little miracle growing inside of you!

I also know how scary and lonely relationships can be. When I had the abortion, it was actually with someone who was very grumpy, tight with money, and he too was addicted to porn. He left me on his birthday and moved out the next day, leaving me in fits and fits of heartbroken tears. It was so sudden and uncalled for, not to mention it just about ruined me. Luckily I had, had the abortion by this point, but I remember thinking that I was glad I did because I would have hated being a single mum. My own mum suffers with depression, and at that time was suicidal, so it wasn't even as though I could have asked for her help in raising the baby. Some mums do it brilliantly, but I just felt as though I would have been pathetic.

Are you sure as well that your colleagues were being nasty towards you? I would have just laughed their comments off and agreed with them, and that's coming from one of the most sensitive and emotional individuals in the world! But honestly, if it was meant with hurtful intent then screw them!

Pregnancy can be really scary, especially when you don't have many friends. I don't either. Most of my ex-friends were too clingy and demanding, and quick to knock me down if I did something they didn't agree with. I miss having friends, but I would rather make friends on places like here then have to strive for the attention of fake friends.

Please, please, please contact your midwife or GP for support. And in the meantime, perhaps consider contacting your parents for support too. If they knew your situation then perhaps they would be willing to take you in and help look after you whilst you're in this emotional state.

I really hope that you get the support you need. xxxxx

[SeashellHoarder]

How are you doing cobalt?
Have you managed to call anyone yet?
Thinking of you x

[sidonie1]

Much love, what a horrible situation for you. It's totally normal to feel like you don't recognise yourself in pregnancy I think - I feel awful and not myself at all - but it's not the truth. Hormones often make things worse, on top of the worries you have. Growing a baby is hard work physically and mentally, especially while you're coping with so much. You're doing amazingly and are strong. Your husband's issues are his alone and are no reflection on you at all.

Hoping you're reaching out to the midwives and docs as suggested above.

[cobaltblue27]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for being so thoughtful, sympathetic and kind. Got through another day...Survived office (maintained dignified silence with blunt colleague) and just put my son to bed. I am doing my best but hard to do so when you're on the verge of tears.

I just want to set the record straight about the abortion idea: I thought seriously about it right from the word go. I knew what I would be in for as I too had one back in 2009 (just before my ex-fiancé dumped me after I had given up my job and moved to Scotland for him - nice guy) and have always felt dreadful about it but knew it was the right thing for me then. This time it is a number of factors: I have been through quite a sh1tty year, with severe depression, then nearly dying, then being diagnosed with lifelong illnesses. I knew that I didn't want my son to be an only child and knew that it could be a matter of time before my reproductive system packed up...so this was a decision which I had to take sooner than I would have wished. And then I found out about my husband's preferences and lies. It just feels like entirely the wrong circumstances to have a child, and let's face it, I basically crumbled the first time around and hated the first 9 months. I didn't think grown-ups were stupid or incompetent enough to make such a screw-up of their life; I am meant to be pretty well-educated and intelligent- I feel like I am totally messing up. My mother said at the beginning of this pregnancy that I shouldn't do anything I would regret, but she has had four children, no depression, never had the health issues I have had...it feels like nobody understands and I feel such a failure compared to her. I am not seriously considering an abortion at this stage. I just wish I hadn't got myself into this situation. The feeling hideous is draining. I absolutely hate my body and feel like cutting bits off it.

I will try to get hold of my MW tomorrow. She is about to go on Mat leave herself and I feel a bit tired by the idea of having to tell all this to someone else. I asked for an urgent appt with my old psychiatrist who looked after me when I was seriously depressed last year today, but she is on annual leave for three weeks...

Thanks everyone. Feels better to share with you and wish I knew you in person. You all sound such brilliant people and so wise and kind.

[SeashellHoarder]

Thanks for the update, please do reach out to the midwife tomorrow and don't be put off if you have to see another one, they will all take the time to listen.
Your health is a priority here.
I think given how you're feeling it might be worth getting signed off work for a while until you can recuperate, get some rest and on an even keel.
Would it be beneficial to stay with your mum? Or do you think she'd upset you to much with careless comments? You and your ds could go there and it would give you some time to think about your relationship with dh.

[juneau]

Hang in there OP and keep talking to us on here, if it helps. I hope you get hold of your MW. Even if she's about to go on maternity leave herself she can ensure a smooth handover to your new MW and let the new one know what your situation so s/he will know you're in need of additional help and support. What a pity that your psychiatrist is on holiday - what rubbish timing! Can you get an urgent appt when she gets back? Remember that you can always call the Samaritans, if you just want someone non-judgemental to talk to and help to clarify things a bit. You can call them from any phone on 116 123 (within the UK).

[KateTheShrew]

Hi cobalt , how are you doing this morning? You did so well to get through yesterday like you did, and phoning your psychiatrist was a huge step -- just a shame she's on holiday. Do persevere with phoning your midwife today: like juneau says, even if she's going on mat leave she'll be handing over her patients to someone else, and will want to flag up that you need extra support.

Also, what you said about feeling incompetent when you're meant to be well-educated , intelligent etc. I feel like this ALL THE TIME, and I think many people do. I frequently feel like a kind of 'pretend' grown up, who will be found out someday, and isn't really equipped to cope with life. But you know what? I do cope. And so do you. You are coping with this, one day at a time. You mustn't compare yourself to your mum. As you say, she's has not been through what you've been through, and you don't know how she'd react if she was in your situation.

Good luck contacting your midwife today. I hope you'll feel you can come back and tell us how you're doing.

[KateTheShrew]

Hi cobalt, how are you doing today? I hope you managed to make contact with your midwife and that you are getting some support now.