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Am I being unreasonable?(110 Posts)
I have my first midwife appointment next week Ill be 14 weeks and the midwife thinks that we will be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time... However my boyfriend (who is the baby's dad) doesn't think that he needs to be or should be there. He just keeps saying he can't get it off work (he hasn't even asked for it off).
Am I being unreasonable by expecting him to be there? Everyone one I know who has a baby the baby's dad has come along to hear the heartbeat.
He says that only if there is something wrong and there isn't a heartbeat that he can get out of work.
This is my first viable pregnancy and don't know if I'm being unreasonable by expecting him/wanting him to be there?
It's upsetting me that it's causing arguments between us.
How old are you both? Was baby planned? I find it quite odd he doesn't want to be there so yanbu.
Is he generally not botherered about the pregnancy? Was it planned? Does he have other children?
Have you had a 12 week scan? My dh only ever came to the scans, not the midwife appointments. We've had three dc and he didn't even come to the scans for the last one!
Men don't automatically get time off work for antenatal appointments so if he can't get time off then I'm not sure what you want him to do?
You say it's your first viable pregnancy, have you had a loss in the past?
It's odd he doesn't want to be there but maybe he doesn't want to go just in case it's bad news.
He should be there anyway for support but then again is he normally so supportive?
Are you in the UK?
If so partners are entitled to 2 appointments unpaid off work to attend maternity appointments.
It's usual for partners to attend the scans although I've not heard of the heartbeat thing.
My DH started off coming to all of my midwife appointments, however we then realised that they start to get really quick and boring so he stopped after a few!! I definitely expected him to be there for the first one though and if I remember correctly they also ask details of the dad's family medical history which you might not know. So I don't think YABU.
You're not being unreasonable (though my MW wouldn't listen for hb at 16 weeks as it's often hard to find and leads to people being unnecessarily worried).
It can be awkward to get days of work thigh and some men do find it hard to feel as emotional as you might about this stage of pregnancy as nothing appears any different to them. I wouldn't row about it, his reluctant presence won't help you much either way.
DH only came to the scans not the appointments. It would have meant him taking a whole days leave or unpaid. Most of the appointments were just a quick chat, blood pressure, heartbeat and maybe a feel later on. I wouldn't worry too much. Could you take mum/sister or a friend for support?
DH never came to any of my midwife appointments, just the scans. I thought that was normal, tbh, so different expectations.
Is he otherwise excited and supportive? If so, I wouldn't worry about it. If not, then you have bigger problems.
I stand corrected Penelope thanks!!
Two is better than none I suppose but would still only allow for the two routine scans.
I'm 21 and he's 23, baby wasn't planned and tbh he didnt Want it at first. But now he actually seems more keen on the idea like he came to my scan with me and we're on holiday at moment and went on a boat ride and it got really choppy and he was really concerned how I was and whether it would of hurt baby.
His job literally comes before everything. He just says he would be there if he could get it off but he hasn't even tried.
But then he can't understand why I flip out. Surely your baby and hearing the heartbeat is more important than anything? Or have I missed the point?
Ah ok he went with you to the scan. No it's not normal for dads to go to every midwife appointment even if they may hear the heartbeat. Take someone else or record it in your phone.
If he's supportive in other ways I wouldn't worry. My DH didn't come to my midwife appt's last time to hear the heartbeat (we did have a home doppler though) but I didn't ask him to or give it any thought tbh. This time he has been to one as he had a day off but it was his idea. I would find it odd and upsetting if he didn't attend the scans but not the midwife appt's.
Was he at the scan?
Tbh, in my area, mw are told not to listen for the heart beat before 16 weeks. My community midwife listened at 15 weeks and I ended up having an emergency scan because she couldn't find it. The midwife at the hospital said they asked the community midwifes to stop doing it because it often ended in having fun a scan for reassurance.
At 14 weeks there is a good chance she won't be able to hear it. So he could take off his second lot of time for an appointment and it be pointless.
My dh took time off for scans, not general appointments. If he came to the 12 scan and came to the 20 week scan, I wouldn't expect him to come to appointments.
He come to my 12 week scan but he had that booked off as a holiday before we knew when the scan was. He then made me change my scan appointment to the day he already had booked off, which I did.
It's not the fact he wouldn't be able to get the time off its the fact he hasn't even asked, he hasn't even tried.
He refuses to use his 2 antenatal appointments he is entitled to aswell. Like he is keeping back a days holiday for when my 20 week scan is. I've told him that he's entitled to it but he doesn't care.
My dh only came to scan appointments during my 2 pg. He did attend a few midwife appointments with our first dc but as someone commented above, he grew bored when he realised it was just chats, check ups etc. I took my mum or mother in law to a few appointments so they could hear the heartbeat etc.
Don't shoot me but I think you may be being a tad bit unreasonable. He came to your scan and heard heartbeat/seen dc so it's not as if he's showing no interest? Not all men are as excited and eager to hear/see baby as much as we are but I'm sure your family (mum?) would be thrilled to feel included?
My family live miles away from me as I moved away to go to university. Think that's why I also am getting a bit narky about it because he knows I haven't really got anyone else round where we live.
At the scan you'd have seen and heard the heartbeat so I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.
I think it can be quite common for men not to be as excited about the baby whilst you're still pregnant, and honestly, the midwife appointments are so dull, it's a waste of one of his allowed appointments. You might need a second 20 week scan or follow up growth scans and you'll be really glad he'll be able to come with you. I think it's time to stop "flipping out" unless this is a symptom of a wider problem in your relationship?
I had my first midwife appointment at 8 weeks and my husband came as we had to answer a lot of family history. I wouldn't expect him to come to any more midwife appointments but I'd only be upset if he didn't come to the actual scan appointments as those are a bit more special and meaningful.
My DH also came only to the scans, not the midwife appointments.
Sorry but I also think Yabu. He may be entitled to 2 days but they would be unpaid and maybe he's aware that money will be tighter in the coming months. He attended the scan with you and really the midwife appointments are pretty quick and pretty boring and a waste of the dad's time as the focus is on checking you're well with a quick listen to baby. Would you not rather he held back those two days incase you need him to go with you later on should you need an extra scan or taking to hospital?
RNBrie to answer your first post yes I lost a baby last year so extra tetchy about this pregnancy.
Just want him to atleast ask for it off. Don't want him there for everyone just the first app or even just the offer would be nice.
Hate the fact I would only get his support if it was bad news. Why does it have to be bad to get his support.
It just really upsets me (even if it shouldn't).
I didn't hear the heartbeat at the midwife appointments until 22 weeks and my OH wasn't there, we have a home Doppler so he'd heard it before but even if we didn't have one I wouldn't have expected him to come.
Why don't you record the heartbeat on your phone and you can let him hear it then? 14 weeks is still really early I'm surprised the midwife is even trying then, 22 weeks is the norm here. They can struggle sometimes to find it and it can cause loads of worry as said by a pp.
Perhaps he's wanting to keep his unpaid entitlement for any further scans you may need later on. I wouldn't worry, the midwife appointments are fairly boring. My OH came to the first one as it was all about family history etc but only the scans since then.
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