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I'm pregnant & SIL just miscarried

(12 Posts)
Popskipiekin Sun 10-Jul-16 18:22:46

My lovely SIL (whose DC1 is around same age as ours) just texted to say she has had a miscarriage. I am pregnant with DC2. She is too upset to speak now but wants to talk later in the week. Quite apart from the devastation of a miscarriage, I'm aware that my pregnancy is probably making things worse for her. What can I (not) say? I feel like I now have to avoid talking about our pregnancy until she - hopefully - gets pregnant again. I'm so sad for her.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sun 10-Jul-16 18:30:29

I think the best thing you could do is ask her.

Some people can't handle hearing about pregnancies, some people want you carry on as 'normal' and feel outcast because people are hiding their babies from them.

There is no way of knowing how she will react really.

A simple text just explaining you don't know the best thing to do and asking her would be best imo.

Please don't say anything to her about getting pregnant again though, whatever you do.

NameChange30 Sun 10-Jul-16 18:32:48

I suggest that you say/do whatever you would if you weren't pregnant. Don't be afraid to talk to her about her loss because you're pregnant. Obviously you need to be sensitive when talking about your own pregnancy. But don't let it stop you showing her that you're sorry for her loss. I would make it about her loss and not about your pregnancy, IYSWIM.

Alibobbob Sun 10-Jul-16 18:44:41

Does she know you are pregnant? If so carry on as normal she wants to speak to you so meet with her and let her talk x

LolaStarr Sun 10-Jul-16 18:49:36

As others have said, carry on as normal and let her talk about it if she needs to. Don't feel awkward around her. I lost my baby at 21 weeks last year and my sister went into labour the day after. It's hard but she'll cope x

LolaStarr Sun 10-Jul-16 19:02:45

Just to add when it happened to me, I wasn't as affected by other pregnant women because it was my baby I wanted, not theirs, if that makes sense x

Lilly948204 Sun 10-Jul-16 19:13:32

Me and my friend were in a very similar situation. She miscarried and I was pregnant. I just tried to wait for her to bring it up in conversation instead of forcing the issue, sometimes I didn't realise how insensitive I was, I thought she was ok with things but she wasn't, she was just putting on a brave face. I wish I had realised sooner. We basically went through quite a while where we didn't speak as both of us were finding it difficult. Unfortunately I then went on to miscarry two months later, she has been amazing supportive to me through this. It's really hard to advise you on what to do, I'd just say even if she says she's fine she probably isn't. Give her time and give her love xx

DiamondInTheRuff Sun 10-Jul-16 19:20:42

flowers for your SIL.

A friend of mine conceived art the same time as me. Ours babies were due one day apart. She miscarried.

Ar first I sent her a simple "so sorry for your loss" type message. I gave it a week then sent her a message along the lines of I'm here, but will understand if you want me to keep my distance for a bit. I decided to message rather than call so she could respond in her own time.

She didn't want me to, but thanked me for giving her chance to decide. She's now pregnant again so we're enjoying talking babies!

HumTiddlyTum Sun 10-Jul-16 19:29:59

Acknowledge the loss and ask her how best to help her through her grief.

I hated people saying that it just "wasn't meant to be", "there must have been something wrong with it", "you'll get pregnant again quickly" etc etc. To me, it wasnt just my baby I had lost it was my dreams for the future, plans for the nursery, thoughts on names, when it's birthday would be. It will always be apart of me.

Seekingmiracles Sun 10-Jul-16 19:40:17

I've been in a similar situation .... 3 of us pregnant (friends), all due within a week of each other. I miscarried. Yes I was upset and yes I did have a few 'why me' moments but equally I would never have wanted one of them to go through it instead of me and ultimately I was happy for them. It was probably made easier by the fact I was living abroad at the time.
I then unfortunately, over 2 years went on to miscarry a further 3 times so inevitably had numerous friends fall pregnant around me. Never was I upset at them, or wished them anything less than a healthy pregnancy. I just wanted MY pregnancy to be healthy and stick.
I would just let her know that you're there for her if she needs you, and really listen if she decides to talk. That's what I found the most helpful, people listening.

Popskipiekin Sun 10-Jul-16 19:41:47

Thank you for all your replies. I'm so sorry for those of you who have suffered losses flowers. It's good advice to let her lead the way and also just to respond as I would if I wasn't pregnant (she does know I am). I know people do say such trite things, I will try to be sensitive.

Vap0 Sun 10-Jul-16 22:26:22

Ladies on here who have managed to carry on and be happy for their friends I'm in total awe of you, I found it incredibly difficult being around pregnant people or people with new babies. I avoided them at all costs, it was self preservation. Just be aware that if she distances herself from you it is just her coping mechanism which will hopefully improve if/when she gets pregnant again or in time. I now struggle to be openly happy about my own pregnancy in fear of upsetting anyone who may be silently be going through the 2 and a half year battle we did, I probably come across as cold but wouldn't wish those dark days on anyone or to exacerbate any upset. Totally agree with the advice of waiting for her to bring it up.

Best of luck in your pregnancy.

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