21 and pregnant, feeling uncertain!(12 Posts)
I've always wanted a baby and dont consider myself too young but in my situation I'm not sure I could financially do it. I'm 21 and am 4 weeks pregnant with a guy from my hometown where I lived for over 20 years, I'm currently working summer in Spain which I love but I'm staying with friends so don't have my own home and don't make much money. Id love to keep it but am worried I couldn't provide for her/him and feel that it would be unfair. I never pictured it to be like this but it's how it is. Please tell me if anyone of you has been in a similar situation😕
Thank you em x
Btw I fell pregnant in Spain, the guy from my hometown was visiting my friends I live with.
I was 19 and single when I fell pregnant with my DS, like you I was in a shared flat and financially insecure, but I was able to get housed by my council and managed on benefits once the baby was born. So it wasn't too disastrous and I was able to continue with my uni studies and eventually met a lovely man who is now my DH. I think there is enough of a safety net that you would be able to provide for a child, although you'll have to economise, but most families do Have you told the father or the friends you're staying with? How long do you plan to stay in Spain for?
My eldest son was born when I was 20 and was the result of a horrible relationship. Needless to say the 'dad' was never around. It was hard work but it turned out fine in the end. 10 yrs later, I have 2 more children and another on the way all with my partner of 6/7 yrs. If you want this baby then believe in yourself and make the changes you need to do... I fought hard for what we have now and my eldest never went without. I'm sure you can do the same!
I was 20 when I fell pregnant, had a month left in uni and worked part time. I didn't want to keep the baby, I thought I'd be at least 30, with a good job and my own home before falling pregnant. But I kept thinking "what if this is my only chance" I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. My partner, family and friends were so supportive. Everythig fell into place, I got a full time job after graduating, my partner started his apprenticeship, we were luckily housed by the council, and having our daughter was amazing. She's 2 now, and we're expecting another in September!
Don't think that just because it wasn't planned it wasn't meant to be. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I had my dd at 21 and my second is due in 3 months aged 23. Best thing i ever did was have my dd! Despite all the fears and worries everything always seems to have a way of working itself out. If you want to keep the baby then do so.
I had an abortion at your age three years ago. Had been with my DP a year and a bit. Was at the end of my second year of uni. Living at home. Wasn't how I pictured it either. It was hard but I definitely think it was the right thing for us to do. We now own our own home, I finished uni and got a decent job, we know each other inside out. We weren't ready and there was no way we could have brought up a well balanced child and stayed together. I grew up with my parents constantly arguing and I used to wish they would get a divorce. For a long time I didn't know if I wanted kids because I felt such immeasurable mental anguish as a child with my parents, I didn't want to risk having that impact on a child of my own.
I was more unsure what to do and DP was much more it's not the right time. As for what if it's your only chance, I think that is a very normal feeling. I worried an abortion would stop me having kids and it would be karma, all sorts of irrational things went through my head. What I noticed was that a lot less people would come forward and say they had an abortion and it was right for them, compared to those who considered it but went the other way. Be careful of taking advice from others, because you and your situation will never be the same. In the UK there is counselling for this but not sure how you'd go about that in Spain..!
Have you spoken to the guy involved?
I don't think anyone can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. It's a highly personal decision.
However I too had a termination around your age. I then had my DS at 27. I don't regret the termination. I wouldn't have wanted to bring up a baby as a single mother. It's hard enough having a baby now, when I am financially stable with a supportive DP.
I had ds at 20 after falling pregnant by my ex dp when we'd only been together 9 months, lived with parents, had no savings etc.
When I first fell pregnant I booked in for a termination. It wasn't how I'd imagined it, I thought I'd be in a much more stable position and I was worried what I had to offer to a child.
A few days before I was due to go in I burst into tears and told my mum everything and she asked my reasons. When I told her she said that she wanted me to make the decision on what I actually wanted, not because I thought I couldn't afford a baby/had nowhere to live.
I ended up not terminating (obviously) but I was incredibly lucky in that I had both parents willing to help out if necessary. Also I have PCOS and had been wrongly informed at diagnosis that I would never conceive without IVF so that swayed my decision too.
I don't regret it and I love being a mum, even though I am now a single parent trying to juggle a 5 year old, a job and doing a degree by distance learning. I've often sat and thought about the tough side of things (always just scraping through money wise and watching my friends do all the things I'm not in a position to do) but I genuinely don't regret it. My ds has never gone without and he's a happy little boy.
You shouldn't feel guilty if you decide to terminate. I think the decision really should come down to your gut instinct, not an attempt at trying to work it out logically.
Hope it all works out OK for you either way OP, it's a very tough position to be in and I remember how horrendous the period was where I had to decide
Thanks for sharing your stories everyone, I am still waking up every day dreading making the wrong decision. It's such a hard decision to make and I certainly underestimated how it would affect me.
I regret the abortion I had at about your age, but despite very tough financial problems due to ill health, have never regretted the two babies I went on to have. I'm not anti abortion, but if you are wavering, I don't think any mom regrets having their child.
You will cope. People do.
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