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I just need to talk to someone about this. Feeling just generally down.

(34 Posts)
superlibrarian Mon 20-Jun-16 12:42:10

I've n/c just so this doesn't tie to my usual username but I might be recognisable to people from the antenatal thread.

I don't feel like I've been that excited about this pregnancy much at any point. It is a planned pg (DC2) but I suppose it was a little more OH's idea than mine. I didn't like pg first time around, I knew I probably wouldn't enjoy it much this time. I didn't like getting bigger and slower and having elbows in my ribs and all that. And I don't like it this time around. I'm tired. I'm still being sick 1-2 times a day even on medication. I'm working f/t and have a 4 year old at home. OH does shift work so I don't always have him at home at weekends or evenings to help.

I thought it was just a combination or tiredness and utter, utter fucked off-ness at 4 months of feeling nauseous and randomly throwing up, and not being able to rest as much as I feel I need or want to. And the general miserableness that comes with not being the mum I want to be to DD at the moment, or socialising properly, or even firing on all cylinders at work.

But the past week or so I'm not so sure. I just feel... down. I'm feeling quite disconnected from this pregnancy at the moment. We found out we are having a boy and I'm... just meh about it. Not quite what I expected, and maybe that's thrown me. I'm quite tearful, but not in the let's cry at the abandoned kittens on the RSPCA ad" way. I don't feel as if I'm paying that much attentions to books and TV (usually I'm interested in both) or to friends. I think that I just don't feel much like me at the moment. Just low, frustrated, tired with everything at the moment. Not excited about the future - not anxious about the baby, but I'm thinking more about sleepless nights and having to make new friends and all that, more negative things than good things. Not even particularly excited about choosing a name.

I've got a GP appointment later this week with a GP. I think I just wanted to talk to people at the moment. I don't know whether being aware that I don't feel right means I'm probably just a bit hormonal and tired, or whether that could mean it is something else. Has anyone else had this? Does anyone recognise what I'm describing?

Cakeymum Mon 20-Jun-16 14:15:23

Yep I recognise what you are saying - mine came in waves, early on I was so fed up and it passed and I'm now 35 weeks and I don't quite know how I feel. I've had depression on and off for 20 years (from 18 years old, am 38 next month) and I have the problem that I don't know what is "normal"

Am i feeling low and unmotivated and unexcited because my pelvis hurts, I can't sleep and DS1 is being an utter terror at the moment, or because its something else which makes it harder to deal with the pain, lack of sleep and 3 year olds?? I'm normally pretty calm and reasonable - I'm now grumpy, tetchy, shout at DH and DS, and don't really give a s**t

I finish work tomorrow (like you work FT), which should help I think. But I really don't know
People ask me if I am excited and ready for the baby and all I can think is "well, I guess I don't have an excuse to not do the hoovering any more"

I get the "meh" feeling, I really do.

superlibrarian Mon 20-Jun-16 14:35:23

Am i feeling low and unmotivated and unexcited because my pelvis hurts, I can't sleep and DS1 is being an utter terror at the moment, or because its something else which makes it harder to deal with the pain, lack of sleep and 3 year olds??

I'm sorry you are feeling like this too but it is reassuring to hear from someone else. And what you've said there rings so completely true - am I low because I am still sick at 20+ weeks and working f/t, or is it something else which means I'm not coping with work and sickness?

Have you spoken to a midwife or a doctor about it at all? I'm worried that they won't be able to do anything. I did the Edinburgh test over the weekend and while it gave me a score that said "talk to a professional", it wasn't a worryingly high score.

It's so dispiriting. I want to be excited by something and I can't. I was, a month or so back, but I'm not anymore.

Luckystar1 Mon 20-Jun-16 14:45:30

I too have felt a little like this if I'm honest. I am excited about the baby, but have felt a lot of anxiety at the forthcoming sleepless nights and general loss of ability to do anything again for at least another year.

DS had just turned 1 when I got pregnant. We had literally had 2 meals out and I had a drink once when I got pregnant again.

DS is not an easy baby even now (he has just woken screaming from his nap) and I suppose a lot of my annoyance at how he is (that sounds awful, he is lovely, but I find him very hard work) is coming to the fore and especially the fear that DC2 will be as difficult if not worse.

But then I've also been very worried that something will happen to the baby so I'm very conflicted (ie. I'm disengaged but also hyper sensitive).

I'm 34 weeks now and am in equal measures looking forward to being able to put socks on, but petrified about the realities of baby life again when we haven't even seen the end of them with DS1.

So OP and PP you are not alone (and having spoken to a few friends, this isn't unusual in 2nd and subsequent pregnancies as we know what's in store!)

PickledLilly Mon 20-Jun-16 14:51:53

I feel similar. I'm in agony with bad SPD, trying to work p/t, look after a 3 year old. I'm knackered and I just don't feel like I've got any spare brain power left to think about the baby.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Mon 20-Jun-16 14:56:55

You aren't alone, I'm 15 weeks with DP and I'm not e end remotely excited. I'm filled with dread whenever I think about it, which I try very hard not to do very often but now people know (I didn't want to tell but DP did and I'm showing) I have to talk about it when people ask and I HATE it.

DD2 is 12 months, the thought of 2 under 2 and a stroppy 9 year old fills me with absolute dread sad

Well done for making a GP appt, it's the right thing to do and I really shpuld do it myself but keep finding excuses not to.

superlibrarian Mon 20-Jun-16 15:02:12

Maybe there really is something in that second pregnancy idea. You know what's coming, you can worry more specifically. I hate the thought of getting swollen with water retention and slower and tireder. I'm semi-obsessed with worrying about a heatwave when I'm heavily pregnant. Then, yes yes yes, the sleepless nights and the worry about reflux and colic and a clingy baby and all that jazz.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry more of us are feeling like this but as I said, it is reassuring to read I'm not the only one. I feel bad for feeling bad. I want someone to understand; I tried to talk to OH about it and while he was sympathetic, I got the impression he thought it was just more tiredness and hormones than anything worse.

What, will you make a GP appt to and join me?

prettywhiteguitar Mon 20-Jun-16 15:07:13

I think you should talk to the Gp, but also accept your circumstances make being pregnant very difficult ! No help, being sick, full time work and a four year old, I'd be on my knees

Hopelass Mon 20-Jun-16 15:22:33

Absolutely empathise with all of you. 22 weeks and not feeling the magic of last time. DS is picking up that I'm not
myself and seems to be playing on it I know he's not and he's just being a normal 2.7yo
I'm also dreading going back to the baby days particularly not knowing what's wrong now I'm used to DS being able to talk and tell me. All the second guessing and muddling through with so little sleep and a rampaging toddler on top of that. God it sounds exhausting. flowers to all in the same boat.
I have spoken to mw about it as I had PND last time and only came off the ADs to TTC so she is keeping a close eye on me and the plan is I will probably go back on ADs almost straight after birth. It's this light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me going.

Babytalkobsession Mon 20-Jun-16 15:24:16

Hi OP,

I'm 39 weeks and have had moments of feeling like you describe, but without the added drain of the sickness you're suffering from. I really feel for you.

I think an element of what you describe is normal but perhaps not to the extent that you're feeling so pleased you're going to see your GP.

I couple of things I've done which has helped (and sorry if not appropriate to go into solution mode!) is to see an Acupuncturist which helped with migraines early on in pregnancy but also energy levels, mode and anxiety levels. She specialities in antenatal acupuncture. The other thing is I signed up to a pregnancy yoga class (actuLly called Daisy Birthing with is UK wide I think) which gave me a weekly bit of time to focus on this pregnancy and the new baby. I was struggling to bond with the idea of dS2 before I started the class as was so hectic with working ft and 2.5 year old. I found it helped.

I'm not 'alternative' particularly but I've definitely found a lot of benefit in acupuncture or reflexology.

Go easy on yourself

superlibrarian Mon 20-Jun-16 15:30:31

Sometimes I think my circumstances are a bit rubbish, but then equally I know it's not as bad as many others have it. OH is very helpful, we have friends and family too who will take DD if needed, work are being as supportive as they can and allowing me to work from home sometimes (it's the commute that's killing me sometimes).

I keep meaning to sign up for yoga and I will do that - you're right, maybe some real "me" time will help. Some time out from everything that isn't sitting on a train or slumped in front of the TV.

Hopelass, I think DD is picking up on it too and is going through a trying time as well. Partly because I'm not quite myself, and partly because I imagine she is nervous about how life will change, despite the fact she is excited about the baby. It doesn't help, does it? Is there a reason why they won't start you on ADs now?

Half of me just wants a week off from life to be alone at home. The other half of me knows this is a terrible time for it at work and I'll just feel guilty.

Or maybe just trying some new sickness meds will help.

Cakeymum Mon 20-Jun-16 16:17:49

Sometimes just knowing you have spoken to the GP is enough, you have made someone else aware of how you are feeling and being taken seriously. Saying it out loud and admitting you are not coping as well as you would like you know?

I think is MUCH MUCH harder and much less "magical" second time round.... I'm lucky I have saved enough for DS to stay in nursery full time for the first 3 months after baby is here (he is full time now so no change in his routine) or I would be panicking right now

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Mon 20-Jun-16 18:16:36

I know I should OP, but I am loathe tp admit it to anyone, I feel like a monster. Who doesn't feel excited about their own baby?! sad

superlibrarian Mon 20-Jun-16 18:51:39

Plenty of us, reading this thread. I've been scared to admit it too. This thread is making me feel a bit more normal. I'll hold your hand if you go?

Funtimelem Mon 20-Jun-16 18:54:40

You have depression. I have it too. Doctors is great first step, make sure you talk to them about your feelings.

superlibrarian Mon 20-Jun-16 19:04:41

How was the doctor when you spoke to them? I'm worried they'll just say I'm a bit hormonal and that it will pass. I've never felt quite like this before. I feel better on one hand for getting it out there on here, but also worse talking about it. Very teary all day today.

BettyOBarley Mon 20-Jun-16 19:13:32

I too know where you are coming from Op. I'm 6 months pregnant with DC2 with a 2.5yr old in the full throes of the terrible 2's and like a pp just don't have the headspace to even think about a new baby much. DH is the same really, apart from asking me if all is OK with the baby eg movement etc. we don't really talk about the baby a lot , haven't really discussed names, haven't bought much, I haven't really had any feelings of excitement (but no dread either) I'm just plodding along. It's weird really.

willhazboz Mon 20-Jun-16 19:15:51

I was the same with my second pregnancy. Dd2 is now 7 weeks old. I tried to tell my husband but he said it was probably my hormones. I wish I'd spoke to the doctor when I was pregnant as I now think I might be at the stage of needing anti depressants but really don't want to take tablets. I love my little girl but I am sad that my eldest (who's 2 in August) is missing out so much. I left work 6 weeks before dd2 was due and had lovely one on one time with dd1. I have a similar situation (dh works shifts and I was previously full time). What I have started doing is having dd1 go to my parents or in laws for a morning once a week so I can have some one on one time with dd2 and then have my mum come with me to places like soft play etc so she can watch the baby while I go off and play with dd1.
Definitely speak to the gp. I'm glad I read this thread though as I feel like I'm a monster but seems it's more common than I thought! Dd1 is very jealous of dd2 and i feel so sorry for her and wistful for our old life. But at the same time sad that I don't get to cuddle dd2 as much and she will never have my undivided attention all day every day.
Apologies for the essay!!

didireallysaythat Mon 20-Jun-16 19:25:16

I had the same when pregnant with DS2. Finally went to see the GP at 36 weeks when I realised I was crying every evening in the bath. A good chat, discussion of available medications, coupled with completely different birth experience and a baby who actually slept between feeds (like they tell you in the manual) and I felt better. You have made the first step by acknowledging how you feel (it's not in that manual!). Good luck !

Hopelass Mon 20-Jun-16 19:32:57

Super they could start me on ADs now but I'm trying to stay off them for the duration of the pregnancy. I know I'm not myself but having had depression a lot in the past I don't believe I'm quite bad enough yet to need meds although when baby comes I know I'll be under added stress and will almost certainly need them then iyswim. There are some very safe ADs such as Sertraline that can be taken during pregnancy and I wouldn't hesitate if I needed them or if I get worse than I am now. It's so tough isn't it? flowers

Funtimelem Mon 20-Jun-16 19:56:34

I have a history of it, you just need to be assertive, there is an increased awareness of pregnancy depression at the mo. If you feel you will mumble or not be clear, write your feelings down and just read them to the doctor they won't mind. Mine gave me tablets but I didn't take them. He also sent me to counselling again. Ask for counselling you'll more than likely get it. There will be something behind how you feel, it's probably not the baby, it's prob something deeper. As a counselling veteran I know all my issues come from something much deeper than my immediate situation. In the meantime try some mindfulness meditation, it's really helped lift my depression.

Kariana Mon 20-Jun-16 20:26:52

I don't know what your situation is generally in terms of depression e.g. if you've ever suffered before, but just before I got pregnant I met a lady who told me about her pregnancy depression. It's just not something that gets talked about often (I'd certainly never heard of it) but I think it is becoming more widely recognised. She had never had depression at any other point and she commented that with both her pregnancies it lifted almost instantly with the birth. She suddenly felt like herself for the first time in months. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I would definitely talk to your GP about it.

superlibrarian Mon 20-Jun-16 20:44:25

I've not really had this before. I had a few weeks of feeling "flat" when I was put back on the pill two years ago, but just when I thought I ought to go back to the doctors I started to feel better. My mum has had depression for as long as I can remember thought.

I wish I knew a way to separate general knackeredness and sickness and being busy (so lack of headspace) making me feel down, from being down making it feel harder to cope.

Funtimelem Mon 20-Jun-16 22:35:09

They come as a package deal and make each other worse. Depression makes you tired and less able to feel like you can cope. The best thing you can do is speak to the doctor then a counsellor, honestly it will help.

Try the mindfulness course headspace, it will help you untie some knots and chill out a bit. Counsellor will most likely recommend or do some with you anyway it only takes 10 mins, I do it in bed. It's really good calmed my panic attacks down no end.

Cakeymum Tue 21-Jun-16 12:00:34

Deffo talk to your GP. There is now much more awareness about post-natal depression thanks to a lot of celebrity mums speaking out, but not so much about anti-natal depression. Depression is hard as the symptoms can be a whole load of little things that could all be because of something else... pregnant or not pregnant

Just talking about it to someone will make you feel better I promise, and they won't dismiss you as just being hormonal and will also then be aware of any post-natal symptoms that may appear too. Hopefully just posting this thread has helped a little smile

Good luck - let is know how you get on xx

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