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14 weeks pregnant and not sure I can do this

(9 Posts)
user1465877498 Tue 14-Jun-16 05:21:55

Hi there I am currently nearly 14 weeks pregnant and have had my 12 week scan etc. I feel terrible for even writing this because I have always wanted to be a mum, but the pregnancy was not planned and I have not felt happy so far the entire way through, not even when I saw my baby on the ultrasound. I don't feel anything, and have had crippling hypermesis all along so far. I feel like I am going through the motions just because I should, and doing and saying the right thing even though in my heart I don't feel it. I don't know how much longer I can go on pretending. My partner is so excited and I'm making up excuses to delay him from telling his friends because I don't want people to know yet. Also I still have feelings for my ex, there's a lot of issues there but I have told him I'm pregnant, he's saying to me he doesn't know if he could live if I have a baby with another man. That wouldn't sway my decision as I know it's based on me, but I just don't feel anything. Please help me. Will this pass?

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly Tue 14-Jun-16 05:39:38

It might pass, it does pass for a lot of people. I absolutely love being a mum when they're here but I hate being pregnant. I can't bond with them while they're not here and the birth terrifies me. But I know once they're here I'll love them more than life, because I do with my DS. When I have lost babies in the last it has devestated me.

On the other hand you aren't me. You have to decide what it is you want, because you still have choices right now but you won't have for long. Unfortunately, this is one of those things that you have to decide on your own. No one can decide for you.

I suppose something else you have to consider is what decision you could live with. Would having the baby ruin your life? Or would having an abortion?

Also, could it perhaps be that you see other pregnant women going on and on about how much they love their unborn babies and how amazing it is to be pregnant? Because from what I gather most people don't actually feel like that, but it doesn't do to say "I hate being pregnant it's just a necessary evil" so that is rarely ever said publicly. It was something that worried me this time until I read some threads on here and realised that a lot of people felt the same. I had started to think that I'd end up not bonding with my baby or something, but after realising that feeling that way is actually quite common, I relaxed.

user1465877498 Tue 14-Jun-16 06:59:14

Thank you so much for your response. I had never seriously considered abortion but it has been something I've thought about from time to time, but deep down I don't know if I could go through with it and possibly regret it for the rest of my life. I have a good job, good income and I own my own house. Both our parents were thrilled at the prospect of becoming grandparents and are already buying things and ringing me everyday talking about what a exciting time it is, when all I honestly want to do is curl up in a ball in bed and stay there forever. I know I could be a good mum, it's just I feel nothing at the moment, I felt nothing at my scan and I feel no compulsion to buy things, decorate and do all the normal things I should want to do. My partner is completely opposite and he has no idea I'm feeling this way. I've constantly got a front on with him when he mentions it and I talk about names with a fake smile plastered on my face. It's getting so hard and sometimes I find myself just bursting into tears. I didn't know if I could talk to my midwife or doctor about how I'm feeling, and maybe see what my options are? I honestly don't think I could go through with abortion, but it would help to know all my options at the moment because I feel like I am drowning.

Pearlman Tue 14-Jun-16 07:12:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubberduck2 Tue 14-Jun-16 07:17:16

Sweetheart speak to your midwife. Your hospital should have a perinatal mental health team whom you can talk to and they will help you with decisions and coping strategies.

Tbh IMO if you have someone you can talk to about this (a professional) it will help you to stop drowning and look at how you are going to move forward.

Another option is a private psychotherapist who would also listen and help you talk everything through.

I had a totally different set of circumstances to you however I was in absolute turmoil in my head also, the above scenarios helped me massively and I'm feeling almost back to normal when I was worried I never would. I'm now 16+4 and would say i started to feel better around 15 weeks after speaking to someone at around 13 weeks. I didn't think it would work - but it has helped massively.

Phone your midwife today and ask for an urgent referral - get help - it will make a massive difference.

Best of luck to you xx

SeashellHoarder Tue 14-Jun-16 07:22:56

User, please speak to someone. Call your midwife team Today. Tell them how you feel.
You can't go through this alone. There is help available.

nonladyofleisure Tue 14-Jun-16 07:26:09

My baby was planned and I still felt like this.. I didn't care whether I had a miscarriage or not... Which was nuts as I wanted this baby more than anything

Sounds like you have ante natal depression. X

PeppaPigStinks Tue 14-Jun-16 15:58:25

Hi I reiterate what other posters have said above.
Have you felt this way since day one?

I ask that because I have had hypermesis woth two pregnancies ( bedridden and hospitalised twice as well) and I have had some very very dark thoughts about the baby - because I felt so poorly. I just wanted the pregnancy to end. It's like the feeling totally crap is a big black cloud. When you feel so physically rotten because you can't do anything, it's very hard to get enthused about anything.

Have you got meds for the hypermesis? There is also a support thread in here and the ladies are all lovely.

SpunBodgeSquarepants Tue 14-Jun-16 16:07:04

I felt like this all the way through my pregnancy. I just felt kind of numb. I never got that rush of love that people talk about when he was born either, and I felt like I was going through the motions for the first year/18months of his life - would feed him, clothe him, keep him warm and clean and obviously I loved him but I just did not feel maternal at all. It improved once he started to walk and talk. I just don't think I'm a 'baby' person.

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