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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

237 replies

Evanbaby · 04/06/2016 12:03

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

OP posts:

Report

LillyVonSchtupp · 04/06/2016 12:04

Her body, her choice.

Hth.

Palomb · 04/06/2016 12:05

If she's 42 she's a woman, not a girl.

Berthatydfil · 04/06/2016 12:07

If you definitely didn't want children then you should have taken control of contraception.

tiredvommachine · 04/06/2016 12:07

Finola1step · 04/06/2016 12:09

Yep, she's a woman.

She's pregnant so it really is her choice. It is possible to co parent without being in a relationship. You have to let go of the fantasy of what you thought fatherhood would be.

The reality is way more important.

iisme · 04/06/2016 12:09

This is the risk you take in a sexual relationship. It sounds a bit rubbish for you but you just have to deal with it. You would be totally unreasonable to pressure her into an abortion she doesn't want. It's her decision and it's irrelevant what her reasons are. (Also, she's not a girl).

Paulat2112 · 04/06/2016 12:10

Selfish of her? Seems selfish of you to want her to do that just because it doesn't suit you. If that is not the way you wanted to experience fatherhood then you should have taken better precautions or abstained completely

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 04/06/2016 12:10

Stop. Saying. Girl.

doceodocere · 04/06/2016 12:10

It's patronising and secure to refer to women as girls.

It's not up to you whether she has an abortion or not.

You both made a baby and you are n
Both responsible for it, this means financially as well as emotionally regardless of whether you wanted it and whether or not you stay with the mother.

I don't think other responses will deviate much from these points.

doceodocere · 04/06/2016 12:10

Sexist not secure!

MortifiedinAsda · 04/06/2016 12:11

Wow, you are a prince among men aren't you?

NCVanish · 04/06/2016 12:12

42 isn't a girl and I feel sorry for what ever "girl" you meet next if you call them that. Unfortunately she didn't get accidentally pregnant, you both did as you are both in charge of contraception.
Although sad you don't have the family you want, nothing you can do about it.

Vixxfacee · 04/06/2016 12:13

Why wouldn't the child be part for your new family?

You sound like a tosser.

seeyounearertime · 04/06/2016 12:13

Are people really so dim as to not realise the possible outcome of having a sexual relationship?

Going and having sex with someone you have no intention of staying with should warrant all the precautions you can find.

Imagine you've just been to IKEA, you've just bought yourself a nice bed, go home and put it together and lie in it.

If this comes across as harsh, good, grow up.

PacificDogwod · 04/06/2016 12:15

Her body, her choice.

Upsetting for you - I assume you used contraception as you did not want to risk a pregnancy with her.

Just for the records, yy she is a woman, and how many children she has from how many surely is more than irrelevant here?!

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 04/06/2016 12:17

Let's say she has this baby, you split up but you are an actively involved dad and things stay amicable. You meet someone else, eventually you want to settle down and have a family. Why on earth would the child born from this pregnancy, "never be fully part" of your family as you put it? What a disgusting attitude, your child is your family just as any future children will be and you need to realise that families come in all shapes and sizes. If you wanted your 'perfect' family you should have been more careful with this 42 year old WOMAN. Incidentally does she know you've just been passing time with her before moving on to meet your perfect future wife? Because it sounds as though you don't give much of a shit about her.
You have absolutely no right to be anything other than respectful of the fact it's her body, her choice and you made the decision to sleep with her. She's not being selfish, you absolutely are.

Hodooooooooor · 04/06/2016 12:20

as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now

You should have been more careful then. Tough luck really, you don't get any say in it.

NickiFury · 04/06/2016 12:23

I don't think I believe you Evan.

Haffdonga · 04/06/2016 12:26

Try reframing some of what you say.

Not she accidentally got pregnant but I made her pregnant or we conceived together

Not I'm devastated because this isn't how I wanted to experience my first child but this isn't how i expected to experience my first child but I will make sure I am the best father I possibly can be .

If you are for real you are making yourself sound like a tosser. i hope you are not.

WellErrr · 04/06/2016 12:29

You need to get a grip.

It's not up to you whether she continues her pregnancy. Wearing a condom whilst having sex with someone you didn't want children with? THAT was up to you.

It's perfectly possible to co parent and support this child. And that starts now, by supporting its mother in whatever choice she makes with her body.

Newmanwannabe · 04/06/2016 12:31

You sound like a real keeper.

Lweji · 04/06/2016 12:37

42y girl
'nough said.

Then you think she is the same person as her daughter.

And you were on a relationship with her even though you don't see yourself having or starting a family with her. So, just the sex, then.
Have you been trying it on with other women in the meantime?
And how old are you? You do sound like a boy.

Meeep · 04/06/2016 12:38

Why isn't he allowed to have feelings about this major surprise change to his whole future life? What everyone is saying is true, but everyone is being a bit harsh about it I think.

You'll just have to make the best of it OP, life never really works out the way you think, so try to think of this child as the blessing it is. It's still your son or daughter, even if you're not with the mum.

NeedACleverNN · 04/06/2016 12:40

Her body, her choice

You would be a cunt if you did not pay towards YOUR baby and was a dad to your child.

It takes two to tango. You didn't want a baby yet, you shouldn't have had sex

user1465023742 · 04/06/2016 12:43

Her body, her choice, and if you "definitely" didn't want children you should have used a condom. Not rocket science. Bed, made, lie.

Flip

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