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Dh thinks he won't be at first scan...how would you feel??

(37 Posts)
Louisa111 Thu 26-May-16 08:23:44

Preg with dc2.....dh works longs hours, very different hours to when I was preg with our first.
However he's been very different this time, almonst distant and bit uninterested in this baby. That hard enough to deal with ( this preg came as a shock to him) so I'm giving him time bug now he informs me he's very unlikely to be at the scan blaming work. As far as I'm
Aware he hadn't even spoken to his boss to get time off he's just saying he can't.
I can't help feeling very upset by this. I could understand if he was moving heaven and earth to be there but I'm sure he's not. If he's not there on the day I don't know how I'm
Gonna feel.... Upset, angry I presume.
How would you feel?? Anyone been in my situation?? X

Whatsername17 Thu 26-May-16 09:50:15

I'd be gutted. You need to talk to him about how he feels and explain how that is impacting on you. Good luck flowers

mikesh909 Thu 26-May-16 09:54:53

Hi Louisa,

I had my first scan yesterday and prior to it, my DP said the same thing as yours. To be fair, he works in an organisation where getting time off is usually scheduled some months in advance. At first I thought it would be ok, I could manage on my own but having had some advice from other posters here I reconsidered. If there had been bad news, I would not have wanted to cope with that alone. And if there was good news (which there was), I don't think he would have wanted to miss that. I suppose it is slightly different in that this is our first baby. In the end I told him that I needed for him to be there at whatever the cost, despite inconvenience to managers / colleagues etc etc and if that meant calling in sick, that is what would need to happen. He could see that it was really important to me and arranged to get the day off. This meant getting a lot of other people to trade days off and so on but, funnily enough, when he explained why it was so important, they were happy to do so. Has he explained to you why it would be so difficult? Does he know it's so important to you? I hope it works out for you.

SmallBee Thu 26-May-16 09:56:59

I'd be gutted but take someone else with me to share it. If he's not willing to make an effort I find it much better for my happiness to crack on and enjoy the experience with someone else or by myself rather than resenting he isn't there.

Having said that I think it's still worth a conversation about this at an early stage so he knows what page you are on.

Osirus Thu 26-May-16 10:06:27

Men are entitled by employment law to attend antenatal appointments. I think it might be 2 appointments but I can't remember. Hopefully he will change his mind but maybe he doesn't see the need having had one child already? I think some men see things differently to the pregnant woman.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 26-May-16 10:10:17

I would be gutted. We had some very 'surprising' news at our first scan and I would have absolutely lost the plot had DH not been there.

I think you need to sit him down and explain that he is very much needed there.

And failing that, please don't go alone - can your mum or a friend go with you?

peacockprint Thu 26-May-16 10:11:48

DH didn't attend any scans for our 2 dc, he did offer but it would have affected his work (legally allowed to but had high workload) so I told him it was fine. I just went on my own, saw it as any other medical appointment which I always go to on my own. I don't think it's that unusual, probably more than half of the women I saw at the clinic didn't have partners or anyone else with them.

Ruthiesj Thu 26-May-16 10:11:54

Is there something else going on here? You say the pregnancy "came as a shock to him", implying it didn't come as a shock to you. Might he feel that you intentionally fell pregnant without discussing it with him? Is there any truth in that way of thinking? It might be that this is the reason he seems a little distant regarding the pregnancy.

YouMakeMyDreams Thu 26-May-16 10:15:00

My ex attended some scans with the all three and some not depending on work. Like peacock I just seen it as a medical appointment. I was certainly not the only one alone in the waiting room. It didn't bother me in the slightest.

MrsMarigold Thu 26-May-16 10:17:58

My DH missed all the scans for our children - not really an issue. DC1 he came but we were in the throes of the worst row we've ever had, I cried, he looked thunderous, the it turned out I had an inverted uterus and we couldn't see anything so he went off the work and I had a vaginal scan, much better I saw our DS.

Chinks123 Thu 26-May-16 10:18:19

DP missed my first eve scan with DD which was about 8 weeks, as I said I needed to go check on baby (thought I'd mc) and he hadn't realised that meant a scan hmm the wally. He was heartbroken to have missed it although I did get a free scan picture to show him. He was at the 12 and 20 week and I think I'd feel upset if he didn't have a genuine reason why he couldn't go.

Chinks123 Thu 26-May-16 10:18:50

*first ever

Bear2014 Thu 26-May-16 10:20:21

If he can't go I would definitely get someone else close to you to come along for support. Having had a MMC discovered at a scan, I can't imagine how it would have been to handle on my own.

EustachianTube Thu 26-May-16 10:21:13

I went to quite a few scans alone, my DH worked away so it would have meant major reorganisation of workload to get there. I was confident I could cope ok if there had been bad news, although it would have been awful of course. I didn't want to take anyone else. I was happy with the arrangement as it was, the thing that's important is that you are not happy.

Tatiana11235 Thu 26-May-16 10:23:33

Wouldn't bother me in a slightest tbh. But then I didn't want my H present during the birth either.

imwithspud Thu 26-May-16 10:26:31

I would be gutted but I know that if on the unlikely off chance I got pregnant now, my DP would find it very difficult to get time off for the scans due to the nature and structure of the job he does now (it was different with DC1&2). DP would be upset too I think.

But these things happen, I would find someone else to attend with me for support if possible. Do you have someone you can have waiting in the wings just in case he really can't come?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 26-May-16 12:21:21

I am sorry he doesn't seem 'on board' yet, is there another family member you can ask to go with you if DH can't/won't attend?

Maybe he is worried about financial challenges. Without knowing the potential age gap, perhaps he'd only recently felt that the impact of having DC1 (broken nights, limited personal time etc) had worn off a bit and some sort of pattern was established.

Second time round should be easier if anything, you're both experienced parents. Try and get him to voice what his apprehensions are. Maybe say to him, you know this wasn't the timing you both wanted, but this is happening now and you are in it together and need to make plans.

Tiggeryoubastard Thu 26-May-16 12:25:44

Mine was there for one scan for our third. The others he just couldn't make. First one fir first child i took a friend. That's life.

cheekstime Thu 26-May-16 13:06:21

I can't lie I would be upset adn angry about it, really feel for you. Do th e best you can too think of yourself and your stress levels so you don't suffer cause of this, just not fair situation. Try to console yourself, do what it takes to make you feel ok about this...moan to whomever will listen, and treat yourself well, you deserve it, its a tough time the first trimester. Good luck and congrats btw. I hope the scan even is everything you hope for. flowers

cheekstime Thu 26-May-16 13:07:58

typo: I hope the scan is everything you hope for

NK7995a1caX11eb0ed0bae Thu 26-May-16 13:12:58

I've had to go to all the scans alone as DP is deployed at the moment. The first one I cried because I wished he was there so much, subsequently I've just got on with it and it's been fine. I had to have amniocentesis and i would have given anything to have him there to hold my hand but I got through it.

Our situation is of course different in that there was no way in the world he could be there. I think if he could have possibly attended the scans but chose not to I would have been really upset.

How much have you discussed it with him OP? Is he aware how much distress his attitude is causing you?

SouthDownsSunshine Thu 26-May-16 13:15:43

I would be devastated. And he would if anything happened. My DH didn't accompany me to a scan when I found out about my first mc. Luckily my mum was with me, but he felt so guilty.

In my mind, it's not like a normal medical appointment. Hopefully (and usually) it'll be the first glimpse of your new child. But sometimes bad news is given, and you need support. Or you find out it's twins shock

Arfarfanarf Thu 26-May-16 13:16:12

from where I am now - 2 teenagers, 18 yrs married, I honestly, if I was doing it again, wouldn't give a shit. I'd just have the scan then go home, with the pic and tell him how it went.

But thinking back to then - new babies, new time in my life, the whole Big Adventure thing - I would have been gutted because it would have felt like a big thing, seeing the scan together.

Tell him how you feel and how important it is to you. If he absolutely cannot get that day off - can you rearrange the scan?

When something is really important to someone you love, you should make the effort for them, imo.

DramaAlpaca Thu 26-May-16 13:22:00

I think DH was only at a couple of scans, and we have three DC. It honestly didn't bother me, it's just the way it happened.

In your situation I would be upset though flowers

YoungGirlGrowingOld Thu 26-May-16 13:23:12

Currently 11 weeks pregnant and not bothered in the least. Work abroad so have had 2 scans and NIPT testing appointments alone. Planning to deliver alone too - have told DH it's not a spectator sport! I long for the old days when men just fucked off to the pub and got smashed, then rocked up with flowers when the gory bit was over, but I suspect I am in a minority of one! smile

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