Today I found myself looking at the most positive-positive pregnancy test I think you can get, short of a guest appearance by an annunciating angel. This fetus is exactly 25 days old, it is a complete surprise, it somehow made its way into existence across contraception... and its first 25 days have been Fucked Up.
It started its first week of existence bathed in lead paint chipping as its parents tackled the renovation of an old house. Although I wore a mask, gloves, etc, this is very much not recommended in the pregnancy websites. It also experienced quite a lot of solvent exposure with nearly every brand of paints and paint thinners that has a big scary label on it. Oven cleaner, nitromors - if it had a scary label, this fetus has had it all.
In its 25 days of existence I got drunk twice, drank unreasonable amounts of coffee and ate a lot of undercooked soybeans (long story). if there is anything you are most definitely NOT supposed to do in the first trimester, I did it. Twice. My husband and I were even joking "it's a good thing we're not pregnant" as we read the warning labels on chemicals.
Just to ice the cake of regrets I walked straight into a bollard on the street while talking to a friend and have a perfect bollard shaped bruise right over my stomach, having been punched poisoned and drunk it's frankly a miracle this poor fetus has any energy left to come up positive on a test, but I missed a period and here it is, a great big blue plus sign.
Now, it's a big surprise but I'm feeling pragmatic about it. Since I've been doing everything as wrong as possible, it might miscarry. Depending on how frazzled the poor thing is it by its traumatic three weeks it might even have to be terminated. But I'm also thinking about this logically and I'd like to do what's best for it. The poor thing is clearly a trouper.
Surely other parents have fucked up their first months? I can't be alone in this, surely?? Help me, Mumsnet... all the mums I know had complicated conception journeys involving IVF or emotional struggle as they tried so hard to get their baby, and then they became these perfect shining Mummy types who didn't eat soft cheese for nine months. And here is my soft-cheese-gobbling self with a fetus, asking for reassurance that I might not have COMPLETELY fucked it up. But I mean we all got here somehow right??
I should book in some kind of viability scan, shouldn't I? Are the doctors just going to scold me? I'd like to be a bit prepared for it if so...
Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.
Pregnancy
Well, I've completely ballsed up its first month!
Cynthesizer · 25/05/2016 19:04
Please don't worry!
I got pg accidentally while taking the pill.
I won't tell you all the things I did the first 8weeks or so of pregnancy, MN would have me lynched!! 
I drank a lot (it was over festival/holiday season), smoked, ate terribly bad food and more I can't even remember!
I had no idea I was pg until much later, immediately stopped everything (obviously!) and DS is currently an incredibly healthy 4year old with no issues whatsoever.
Congratulations! 
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I agree with everyone else: you need to relax! In the first couple of weeks the baby doesn't take anything from you. The placenta doesn't kick in until week 10. Stop drinking/decorating/walking in to things from now on.
DS1:
took all the decongestant womb-drying medicine you can think of for a mega-heavy cold in his first week.
flew to a 3rd-world country and ate their food
had a dental X-ray
took painkillers, probably
worked in a cancer research lab with 'lots of cytotoxics' (thanks safety officer) 
DS2:
had a cervical smear at 4 days
drank everything in reach at 12 days
cleaned the bathroom with heavy-duty cleaners at 3 weeks
They are both fine DS1 is ginger though
I had a long operation under general anaesethic, was given loads of drugs (legal ones!) which I was later told were incompatible with pregnancy and also had five x-rays. DS turned out fine! In fact, he is super-intelligent and never gets ill - maybe all those extra rays gave him superpowers 
I fell up some stairs because I was soooo drunk ( a week before finding out I was preggers) didn't even think that really three drinks should not have had that effect on me. I managed to get pissed the second time round too. Both dc turned out fine
I have another horror story. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I found out, during that time I had 3 hen do's, another 2 big drunken nights out, regular sun beds, a wedding with lots of champagne and a VERY drunken 5 day honeymoon to Vegas, all eating whatever I wanted.
When I found out I was pg I was horrified, and my mum made a 'joke' that the baby would come out pickled 
Thankfully baby was born with no problems at all, and is now a very healthy 2 year old.
Don't beat yourself up about it. You can't help what happened when you didn't know you were pregnant and I'm sure all will be fine.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.