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Young mum urgent decision help!(31 Posts)
I'm a 20 year old girl who has very recently found out she is in early pregnancy. I've been with my partner for 2 years however this is second time round and previously we were together from 16 years old until 18 years old before deciding we were too young to settle down and still had life to live. Never the less it wasn't fun having life to live without each other and came running back to one and other. We are a solid strong couple who are crazy for one and other and our families both are convinced we can't go to the shops without one & other.
Work wise, I work full time for a bank & I was on route for a promotion at work and I believe my job would be safe to return too if I took maternity leave. My partners job isn't so stable but since finding out he has been sending CVs out left right and centre. We both still live at home but where going to be moving out by the end of the year anyway, only now it's all happening sooner. We are looking to rent as have no money in savings as it stands however I have shares and in 3 more years will cash them out as money for a deposit on buying a house. We both have expensive sporty cars and are tied to them through finance agreements so will have to follow them through but we have discussed swapping them both in for a bigger family car when the time comes. We make a decent enough wage together (£38k a year) so feel this shouldn't be holding us back but it is, money is a real real issue.
Long story short I have two choices in front of me and we have been deliberating for days. I need more help & advice. My parents & his parents know and they weren't exactly thrilled, nor where they angry, just dissappointed and externally worried for us and the turn our life's have taken so young. I've never seen my dad cry until now. They don't believe we know how hard this is going to be and how our life's are virtually over and we won't be able to travel or spend a load of money on a car or even anything we want because our money will all be on a baby. I feel like we do know, I know there will be much more tears to come, I know there will be sleepless night & I am aware how stressful and hard each day is going to be but as a girl with younger siblings I've always had a maternal instinct and I know I will make a great mum and my partner will be a great dad (with some guidance). I'm not exactly worried about the aftermath because we have always dreamed of being parents but agreed 26 was a perfect age, not 21. My age is daunting, and the things I will need to give up are scary and very real but I know, I'm not naive. If money wasn't as issue this would be a happy time for me.
I've rambled enough but are there any young mums out there who can advice or even woman who have taken the abortion route and wish to advise, anything would be greatly appreciated at this time. Please.
You don't sound like you want an abortion to me? Seems like it's only your parents reactions that are concerning you? You need to do whatever you and your partner want, your parents will accept it and be pleased if you are I'm sure. You may be young but if you have your children now they'll be pretty self sufficient by the time you're 40, I'll have an 8 and 5 yr old at that age!
It wasn't my immediate reaction & I feel I'm quite strong minded that I would have known instantly how I felt and what I needed to do.
It does concern me as i am very close to my parents and have never given them any bother, I've always kept them happy and I expected them to be angry but they weren't, they understood it was going to happen at one stage in my life just not this soon. As I'm so close with them I take their advice very seriously and too heart and the fact they are saying I'm not understanding how hard it is going to be and how my life is essentially over I'm questioning myself if there is truth there and im in for a rude awkening. I feel I know how hard this is going to be but truely I feel if I had an abortion I would regret it and be left a bit mentally and emotionally scared..
Your life won't be essentially over but it will change. I don't think anyone understands how it will be at any age until they have a baby. If you would regret am abortion then it really sounds like you don't want one.
I see no reason for a termination to be honest. You may be young but sounds like you are thinking of an abortion due to parents disappointed. Completely wrong reason.
You do sound very young, OP, but no, your life is not 'essentially over'. It may well feel as though it is, temporarily, in your baby's early months and years, but, especially if you are determined to return to what sounds like a decent job with good prospects - and do think seriously about this now, find out the maternity leave situation etc, and talk explicitly to your partner about what leave he will take, and how you will both juggle work and a sick child who can't go to nursery/childminder/pre-school - your life will resume, though with the limits placed upon it by having a small person totally dependent on you, and the expense of childcare.
You sound primarily as though you are considering terminating the pregnancy because your parents' are disappointed in you - this isn't a reason. You're an adult who has to make her own decisions. You sound as though you don't in fact want to terminate, but is this only in response to the fact that you think your parents would prefer it? If your parents tomorrow said they were completely anti-abortion and that you absolutely had to continue the pregnancy, would you be relieved or upset?
Ask yourself these questions. In a worst case scenario, you and your partner break up - do you still want to have this child and raise it? Your family continue to be disappointed and uninvolved, and you have to pay for all childcare - do you still want to raise this child? Would you consider continuing the pregnancy and having your baby adopted, if you decide this is not the right time for you to have a child?
Don't have an abortion to please your parents, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and my parents reacted the same as yours ( actually more my mum and a lot more shouting!) and now they adore dd. Just because your parents aren't ready for you to have a child doesn't mean that you're not.
Parents being one factor & lack of money & lack of stability with not living together yet & my career aspects & both me and my partners family's are still young themselves and wouldn't be able to help babysit and what about when I go back to work I couldn't afford nursery fees so soon. It's all so much to think about and my heart and head are telling me two different thing.. I thought I had my mind made up but after getting 20 questions thrown at me and not knowing any answers I've been left dumb founded.
I became pregnant at 22 and my partner left. It was hard but it's the best thing I have ever done my son brings me so much joy. But with that being said it is hard and if you do choose abortion then that's ok. Do what YOU want to do.
There is never a perfect time of life to have a baby because they (children) do change your priorities and your how you can/do/want to spend your time.
If you were to wait some time before starting your family you may find that getting your first house/a bigger house or car/promotion/new job/loose weight/other random normal life stuff etc. etc. all mean it is not the perfect time.
You sound very considered and sensible.
Your parents perhaps remember the hard work (and are comparing that to your current relatively carefree life) but I bet they are proud of their kids and would't be without you ;)
It is not a decision for others to influence you on but they do have the option of being supportive whatever you decide and either way now you are pregnant whatever you decide would be a big deal IMO.
Do what is right for you, not what will please everyone else, otherwise you might regret your decision in the future. I wish you the best whatever your decision
There's no right answer, OP. I know it's hard, and your head is obviously reeling, just think very carefully about what you want. Opting to continue the pregnancy or not to continue it are both equally valid decisions. It's fine to decide that this really isn't the right time, but try to get your parents' voices out of your head as you consider things - this is a decision for you alone
Very best wishes as you decide.
OP my husband and I were ten years older than you, renting in a very expensive city, earning around the same as you combined, and living a very comfortable happy life with two children. Half my income went on childcare but we didn't have an expensive car to pay for. We bought a small secondhand one for cash.
Families both abroad so no help with anything.
It's definitely doable but seemingly would mean a significant lifestyle change (particularly in terms of how you spend your money).
OP you sounds very similar to a friend I had who found herself in a similar situation.
Fortunately for her and her dp, they had a fantastic support network in the form of their initially very worried parents. I 'imagine', that if you're close to yours, they will support in whatever capacity they can. However you have to recognize from the picture you've painted of yourself aged 20, they were probably fairly confident you were set up well and now have hit a major hurdle.
I think the next three years need a lot of thought, if you're unable to buy until then and currently still live at home... do you have to pay your way and thus have an understanding of the cost of living. I really really hope that doesn't sound patronizing!
Talk and talk and talk some more about all the options, ideas and 'what ifs' that could crop up with your dp. 'What if' he looses his employment and still needs to pay for his car? 'What if' you can't afford rent/finance commitments/childcare'.
Plenty of people manage on the income you describe, so it isn't impossible. But please, please, make sure dp is on board with any plans you make before you make a final decision.
On the other hand, from someone who would give her right arm to be pg, congratulations and I hope it all works out well
I have had 2 terminations in my life, both completely 100% my choice and my overwhelming feeling that being pregnant and having a baby at that time was the wrong choice to make.
Reading your OP it really doesn't sound like you want to terminate at all, you would be doing it for other people - that is not a good thing.
If we all waited until we could 'afford' a baby, then many people would never have one - somehow you make it work when you become a parent.
My only advice is to make your decision yourself, with your head, heart & only for you, no one else.
Good luck, whatever you decide
I went through a similar situation in Dec/Jan. It took me 5 weeks to come to my decision. But in the end I knew I had to follow my heart!! I'm 21 also and expecting my baby this August. I understand how hard the head vs heart debate is but you sound like you're mature and organised!! I get comments of how well organised I am. I went and got as much advice as possible to make an informed decision and haven't looked back once!! I went as far as making it to the ab clinic for a preop but it was a horrible place and I cried from the min I got there. I thought for some stupid reason I was supposed to fight through my feelings and go ahead but I luckily had the support to realise that would have been a huge mistake!! I wanted to go travelling... Now I will see the world with my boyf and daughter
I was in a similar situation, pregnant at 20 had my DD at 21. I never wanted kids I didn't even really like them. I was on an amazing course that was my dream but I had my little girl I lost my place on my course and therefore my job but I don't regret it. She is amazing and very hard work but I wouldn't be without her. I do have regrets about travel, my course and other stuff but if I could turn back time and have my choice again I would make the exact same one
Thank you everyone. Any advice is helpful for me at this stage. Over the weekend I was feeling so torn between bad timing and everything happens for a reason but I don't think putting it down to fate is maybe the best idea. It has to come from me/us. I think I would feel different if I was on my own & didn't have my partner so again I'm not sure if that's the right way to think too..
If you and your DP want to have the baby, then you can make it work for you.
It seems as though there are several points to consider -
your parents disappointment - its not up to them. and from they way you describe your relationship with them, I imagine they will come round to having a new member of the family and will be as supportive as they are able.
money - between you and DP, you don't have a bad income. You can save hard for the next few months, buy baby bits and pieces second hand and aim to get a deposit for a small rental.
accommodation - can you stay with your parents for a while if you haven't managed to save up for your own place yet?
career - this needn't have an undue impact on your career. in fact, you are in a very good industry which is pretty accommodating and flexible, has good job security. Your DP sounds responsible in looking for a more settled role.
age - there's never a right or wrong age to have DC. Young mums have energy and the prospect of freedom at 40, older mums have patience and established career, together with confidence about the decisions they make. That's a huge generalisation, but you get the gist!
childcare - you'll find a solution. part time working, family babysitters, childminders, nurseries, childcare vouchers (purchased tax-free through your employer). Its bloody expensive, but do-able.
But, if you (and to an extent your DP) don't feel ready for DC, then there is no reason for you to go ahead with the pregnancy. No need for regrets or recriminations. But its your decision. Think about what's best for you.
I think I would feel different if I was on my own & didn't have my partner so again I'm not sure if that's the right way to think too.
Not to sound like the voice of doom, Jane, but in your position, I would also consider the situation from the point of view of potentially raising the baby alone.
I've actually been with the man who is now my husband since I was in my teens, so it's not that it never happens, but you got together as school children, and have already broken up once because you felt too young to settle down - all this, and you both still live with your respective parents, so in fact, if I'm reading you right, have never lived together? Having a baby puts a lot of pressure on even the strongest relationships, and in some ways you sound more psychologically involved with your parents than your partner. Your posts are far more about what they feel than what he does - even the bit about you two getting back together is couched in terms of both your parents feeling you belonged together! Where is he in all this?
All I'm saying is that you can't have a cast-iron guarantee on relationships lasting in any circumstances, and that if you would definitely only want to raise this child in the context of a relationship with your boyfriend - and the idea of being a single parent is unthinkable to you - you should think carefully about your options.
We had our first when I was 25, we were and still are - married, we had a much lower income than you. He was upset, I was ok. We had another two babies quickly, three in three and a half years. It was tough, but good. They're all in their late teens, we are happier now than ever. My point? Somethings are meant to be, it's a life sentence not a death sentence, you'll be fine. Your parents will come round, you've not done anything wrong, just a bit earlier than what you might have done. Let it be the making of you, embrace it.
I know what your saying & I see your points too, very validily. No we have never lived together officially however he stays at my parents house with me at least 3 times a week and I see him near everyday and have known him since 8 years old. We lived in the same street. These are all good points to consider though and I will take them on board in my decision.
I had a termination at 18 and to be honest, it ruined my life. I did it for similar reasons, not because I didn't want a baby. I went on to have 3 DC (first age 19 )and money worries come and go. I bought a house on less than your income and have bobbed along just fine. I am now older and after being a stay at home mum, I am back to studying. Life isn't perfect, life is just a series of things that you have to deal with. Life is what you make it.
Can you get out of the car finance deal? It would be two less outgoings to worry about?
My sister is proud mother of two and she's a great mum with happy kids. Their joint income is about £22K a year. It's tough, and she works VERY hard, but they get by well enough. They rent and have one car.
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