I might be being a bit hormonal -

[ThinkPinkStink]

Hi there.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant.

I'm 37, married, settled, good job with reasonable maternity leave, there is no reason for me to feel the way I do, but I feel absolutely terrified.

I'm scared that something will go wrong with the pregnancy/birth/when baby is born (everything from miscarriage to foetal abnormalities, physical disability, SENs, ASD, congenital heart complaints, SIDS, childhood cancer and crime plays on my mind). The idea of this baby not living a happy, full and long life breaks me.

I have wanted to be a parent for a decade, I love kids and they tend to like me. I feel like DH and I could offer a child a lot of love and good start in life.

But equally, I'm scared that I have ruined my life - that having a baby is a terrible idea and that I've just sentenced myself to never having a full night's sleep again, that everything I love doing (which is nothing especially un-child friendly) will be closed-off to me. That I'll never get a moment's peace again (I'm quite an introvert and enjoy quiet time).

I am, by nature, a bit anxious (not medically, just by temperament) and I don't feel like I'm depressed, I just feel absolutely terrified.

Is this normal, has anyone else felt like this (and it all be okay), is this just hormones (I felt like this in weeks 6-8, but then felt much more positive until week 20)?

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that everything will be okay.

[Toocold]

It's a massive life change, completely normal to feel like this, I have two dc and they are at junior school and about to start secondary, I'm 39 and pregnant with my third, I'm petrified by all of what you have said above and wake up panicking sometimes but I promise you, by the time you get to the end of your pregnancy you'll be desperate to have the baby out and will wonder where they have been all of your life, it's a huge scary change and natural to feel the way you do.

[Toocold]

Oh and babies are pretty adaptable to the grown up world, toddlers a bit more difficult, but everything is a phase and time will go very fast.

[hopeful31yrs]

I had my first at 31 - my husband was 39. I had/have the same thoughts about everything you have written. I think about everything and anything that could happen and no one can give us the reassurance that we want. No one can predict the future - it's about telling your child everyday you love them and making sure they know it, doing your best (in retrospect that won't be enough but at the the time it was) and not focussing on what might have been.

Yes, things change - yes, things are different to life before. Yes, you have to get up multiple times in the night and don't get the lie ins but it is worth it when they tell you they love you, run as fast as they can for a cuddle and worth it when you are the only one that makes things right again. I'm under no illusion i will be my DD's best friend all the time and i'm sure there will be times we will argue and disagree and times when it'll be bloody difficult but i resigned myself to the fact I have no control over these things and I am going to enjoy the ride.

Enjoy every second - it DOES go far too fast and willing that precious time away makes you sad when you get to the next stage.

It'll be ok.
xxx

[whiteychappers]

This is so spooky, I could have written that and I'm 21 weeks. I've been fine until the last week and then its all just hit me. I'm convinced its hormone related as I've spoken to lots of people who have got to this stage and then have a wobble. So strange. If you want someone to chat to PM me x

[ThinkPinkStink]

Thank you all so very very much - I was feeling awful, like I was terribly ungrateful to be as worried as I've been. It's so good to hear that it's 'normal' (in so much as anything is 'normal).

TooCold - I will carry the thought that I'll 'wonder where this baby's been all my life' with me - that was literally what I needed to hear, thank you. I want it all to feel natural and like an exciting new chapter, rather than a terrifying prospect. It's interesting that even when you've had two DCs, being pregnant again carries with it the same stresses and worries. Wishing you LOTS of luck and health for this pregnancy!!

hopeful you're absolutely right that I should focus on the positive (the image of the child running as fast as it's little legs will carry it to me made me well-up at work, I am a tearful beast!). I was trying to reassure myself earlier that actually getting up earlier would be a good thing - you know when you get up at 6:15 because you've got to catch an early train or something and you feel all smug, like the day belongs to you? If I could capture that feeling, and make the most of the additional hour(s) in the morning, then I'd feel like I was 'owning' my new routine, rather than having it forced on me (I do like sleep, a lot).

whitey it's so reassuring to hear you're in the same boat (but at the same time I'm sorry that you are). It must be hormonal. Normally I really hate 'blaming' hormones for things (it feels misogynistic to see being emotional as a weakness) but this last week or so, it's taken stoic old me and turned me into a blubbering pile of panic!

Thank you all so much xxx

[hopeful31yrs]

It's about compromise. DH and I take it in turns on the weekend to have a lie in each (we both work equally but we both did our share of parental leave after I had DD so he understood how difficult it is to be sole carer of our DD in the daytime and understands the need for a break from that also). Our DD gets up early (5:30 - 6:30) but just because one kid does another equally won't (a friends DS wakes up 10am). DD does sleep well from 6:30pm and so we get the time the other end of the evening and can spend quality time with each other. I'm actually expecting numero deux and DH has been fantastic in the first rubbish trimester doing the early morning wake ups.

Make time for your previous life - have a date night, get up and make breakfast in bed for the other half [and vice verse]. Bring DC into the bed on saturday morning, put a film on and cuddle. It's different BUT it can be lovely.

Oh and my favourite part of the day is when DH collects DD from nursery and she runs down the hallway to find me and throws herself at me - makes me feel fantastic.

[AlexandraEiffel]

It kind of is all the things you say and worry about. But wonderful too.

There's lows, but oh how the highs make up for them.

The worrying probably won't go away I'm afraid, it comes with the territory. But having experienced a whole load of the shit people fear, actually you survive and it's just fine.

[cindyrella]

Oh your life will be turned upside down & will no longer be about you but that's ok!

• reverse sleep ins (ie go to bed at 7pm) instead of sleep ins will save your sanity
  
• swapping 'time off' is essential. Having a bath, reading a book, shopping alone will all become delicious treats. Take turns with your OH.
  
• speaking of your OH, you won't spend as much time together as you'll be too busy looking after your baby and each other but it won't matter because when you see him make your child laugh or asleep with them, you'll fall in love with him all over again.
  
• the worrying will never go away & when they have a cold, you'll stay awake watching them breath & when your toddler falls over and scrapes their knee, you'll feel.all fizzy inside but then they'll see you at the end of a day & throw themselves fun force into your arms and there is nothing like it in the entire world!

[user1463996941]

You will always worry about your child. I have two already and I'm pregnant with my third. I keep having what my midwife says are hormone surges. I get highly emotional and nauseous for a few days and then it goes away again. I'm sure you and your partner will make great parents. Your whole life will be turned upside down but it is worth it, and find a babysitter and go on date nights again.

[1indsay]

Hello! Everything WILL absolutely be ok! You know, it probably won't be easy but you will manage and you'll be able to look back on things and feel like a superhero.

I felt so anxious when I was pregnant too, and for a lot of my son's earlier months. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way though. I've grown so much.

What really helped me was seeking help from a counsellor and also learning mindfulness techniques online and from books. Just taking time to connect with myself and relax was so beneficial. Yoga, or going for a walk or whatever I felt up for. Take good care of yourself and if you feel like it, there are things that you can do to help manage your anxiety. You don't need a diagnosis to ask for help!

Good luck x

[ThinkPinkStink]

hopeful and cindyrella you are both 100% right, I am very lucky to have a lovely DH (he really is 'D') and I will learn to rely on him more - I'm quite self sufficient, so asking for help is always tricky. But he will really WANT to help, bless his heart - even if he doesn't immediately know how, so I need to practice putting it into words.

Things like this DH collects DD from nursery and she runs down the hallway to find me and throws herself at me - makes me feel fantastic. and they'll see you at the end of a day & throw themselves fun force into your arms and there is nothing like it in the entire world! are keeping me smiling (okay weeping a bit) right now :) THIS is why I want kids, I want to have a small person in my life that I can adore and teach and bring up to be balanced and smart and happy.

Oh Alexandra I was so worried that my post would upset someone who had gone through some/any of the things I was worrying about and would think I was insensitive or ungrateful - thank you for being so kind!

user14 - the idea of hormone surges makes a lot of sense, I've been feeling almost 'first trimester nauseous' for the past few days and SOOO tired towards the end of the day. We really want us to be good parents, I hope that's a good first-step to actually doing it!

1indsayI - I've had a mindfulness and relaxation podcasts on my phone for weeks that I've been meaning to listen to - I must, must, must! I tell myself that being anxious is just my personality, back in the mid '90s I had CBT to deal with OCD - it helped to a certain extent, but after a few months I realised that so much of personality was derived from being a massive great worry-wart that so long as I could manage it, it seemed almost churlish to try to 'cure' myself. This may/may not have been a mistake. In general being anxious makes me a good friend and wife and good at my job, because I care and think about the itty bitty details. BUT on the other hand it makes giving myself a break difficult. Again a mission for motherhood, bring up a child who is less afraid than I am!

xx