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Pregnancy

Bereavement in pregnancy

21 replies

doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 17:30

My DF dropped dead last Thursday, he was caravanning in Dorset with my DM and my DD for a few days. he was perfectly well until then. The PM says he had aspirated vomit. Doesn't seem right but thats what they have put as the primary reason but they also found that his left ventricle was enlarged.

I am due DC2 in September. At the moment I am absolutely drained and exhausted. i can't think straight about anything. I have no idea how Im going to give birth to another baby and look after it.

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doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 17:31

I am in complete denial. I can't believe that he simply stopped himself from being sick and this went into his lungs and killed him.

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Tootsiepops · 15/05/2016 17:35

I'm so sorry. I just lost my mum a month ago to a very rare side effect of blood thinners. My daughter is 6 months old. I'm still physically dizzy from grief. Get help as quickly as you can. Cruse offer early intervention counselling for people who have lost loved ones in traumatic circumstances.

The only thing keeping me going is knowing that my mum would kill me for going to pieces when I have her granddaughter to look after.

Lolimax · 15/05/2016 17:35

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so very sorry about your DF, what a nasty shock for you all. Pregnancy is tough enough without this awful grief. Hopefully someone wiser will come along but can you talk to your midwife?

PurpleDaisies · 15/05/2016 17:37

So sorry for your loss. It must have been a huge shock and no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed.

Cruse is a brilliant charity offering support to people who've lost a loved one. Could you give them a ring and talk through how you're feeling?
www.cruse.org.uk

It sounds like such a cliche but time really is a great healer and while obviously you'll always miss your df it won't be quite so raw in September. Is your partner supportive? Can you take time off work to come to terms with your father's death.

doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 17:38

Luckily I'm already consultant led. Therefore she knows and has written to my GP and midwife but theres nothing i can do to numb the pain, not even have a very stiff drink.

Im terrified its genetic and that me, my DD and DC2 will be impacted. 2 doctors I know have said not to worry about it but 1 has suggested I get an ECG done and get a referral for cardiac. Im so scared for my kids as I don't want to leave them young. I know my dad was early 60s but i know it can strike at any time.

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doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 17:39

I miss him so much :-( Is life ever going to feel normal again?

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doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 17:46

Work are absolutely brilliant. I was at work when i found out he'd had a 'heart attack' and they've suggested after my bereavement leave ends (5 days) that i sign myself off. I am HR so I can do this but not sure if its going to help me being off work. It might make it easier to do things around my house which might make me feel better in the long run.

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YouAndMeAreGoingToFallOut · 15/05/2016 17:52

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died relatively suddenly when I was 20 weeks pregnant (I'm 34 weeks now): he'd had a stroke four weeks before. The period when he was ill also coincided with some pregnancy complications. I had three weeks off work, and the whole time I was convinced I was fine. I actually felt a lot worse after I went back. Tbh I don't think I have actually processed it properly.

PurpleDaisies · 15/05/2016 17:54

I miss him so much :-( Is life ever going to feel normal again?

I know it doesn't seem like it, but the hurt does get better. It takes time though.

doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 17:55

YouandMe- I am 22 weeks pregnant so I am around the same time as you were.

I'm blaming feeling so drained on the pregnancy but actually I think I'd probably feel just as bad. I am looking after a 19 month old too who has had a fever every night since DF went. She prone to febrile convulsions though so I am worried about that as well.

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doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 17:57

Purple- Thank you. I hope that time does help.

Its such a worrying time. i worry about my DM who tried to resus him, my DH, that Im not being a good wife to him and DD, that I've not got the energy to love her.

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PurpleDaisies · 15/05/2016 18:01

You don't need to worry about being a "good wife" or a good mum. All you need to concentrate on is just getting through the days ahead until you start feeling better. No one will mind. Just think how you'd feel for your dh if he'd lost a parent-you wouldn't expect him to be together and totally sorted. Your GP might be able to help you access some counselling. Definitely have a low threshold for talking to them about how you're feeling.

doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 18:04

My DH lost his DM after a long illness a couple of years ago. He was amazingly strong and described it as a relief as she was so ill for so long and had no quality of life. My DH arrived as the air ambulance was pumping my dad and is so very strong.

Sorry re 'being a good wife' sounds like Im from the 1950s....what I meant was not making life unbearable for him too.

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EllaHen · 15/05/2016 18:17

My wee brother died when I was 5 months pregnant with dc2. It stopped me hitting the drink I suppose.

For me, life will never be the same again. It doesn't get easier but it doesn't get harder.

I'm a few years down the road. Dc2 is fine by the way.

Oh, and I didn't take any time off work - I needed to keep busy and be surrounded by people. We are all different though.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

doubleginplease · 15/05/2016 21:34

Ellahen i am 22 weeks so I am around the same. I've let myself have the odd half class of wine but i don't tend to finish them as I'm not a big drinker anyway.

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iamdivergent · 16/05/2016 19:45

My DFIL died suddenly when I was 23wks pregnant (12wks ago now) - i was very close to him as I am not close to either of my own parents. I still feel lost I suppose is how I'd describe it, and I sometimes forget before remembering again. It's been a very sad time, and I think that it will hit DH hard again when the baby arrives. It's such a shock to the system, but you just have to carry on.

CatsCantFlyFast · 16/05/2016 19:48

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with DC2, due in September, and my DM died suddenly last week. It's an awful mess and I can't believe my mum isn't going to be here to meet her new grandchild.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm just doing what I need to to get through each hour/day at the moment - I'm finding keeping busy helps but everybody is different

kiki22 · 16/05/2016 22:49

My grandad had terminal cancer from me being 12ish weeks pg with ds was given 6 weeks to live before my due date but hung on 8 weeks he was taken to Marie curie for palliative care while I was in labour it was a pretty horrendous time, it felt like months of greif before he was even dead.

My gran always says thank god we had ds to keep us going she is so close with him having a baby coming really made it clear life does go on and we need to keep living, try to think of it that way if you can which I know is hard.

Runningbutnotscared · 16/05/2016 23:14

My df had a massive unexpected and sudden urge death fatal heart attack when I was twelve weeks pregnant, I'm also due in September and am now 23 weeks pregnant.
I arrived at my parents house while the paramedics were giving it five more minutes of trying to revive him.
I miss him more than I can explain. I have never cried so much in my life. My toddler is brilliant but exhausting.
I just can't believe my dad isn't going to come home, perhaps I'm still in denial.

i am sorry for your loss.

doubleginplease · 17/05/2016 19:41

Running- I am in a very similar situation but i was at work in Bristol and this happened in Dorset. My partner was working in Dorset and drive to the scene to see him being worked on. Toddlers are a blessing in all this as she gives something to concentrate on but again I am worried I'm not being the best mother i can be.

Funeral is tomorrow.

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MadauntofA · 17/05/2016 19:53

I'm so sorry about your DF. I lost mine when I was 17wks with my 1st. It has now been 12yrs. It was fairly quick deterioration but luckily I managed to get there for the end. It is all a bit of a blur but I remember feeling so angry that he wouldn't get to be the amazing grandfather that I know he would have been. It does get easier in that my girls and I talk a lot about him and what he liked, and I remember the good bits now, rarely think of those last few days when it wasn't him. You will get through it because you have to with little ones, but it is hard.

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