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Help With Family Members

(16 Posts)
OrchidLilly14 Tue 10-May-16 22:42:42

I briefly touched upon my concern about particular family members in another post and was given some brilliant advice!! However, as the birth of my little one gets closer, I'm becoming more and more worried about the involvement of particular family members with my baby.

One family is really getting to me and I have no clue how to deal with them. I hate to say this but I'm really worried about ever having to leave my baby in their care!!

When I found out I was pregnant said family was over the moon stating 'grandchildren are the reason they were put on this earth!' However, since my partner and I announced that we are having a little girl, said family member and their partner, have very clearly shared their disappointment stating 'they had hoped their first grandchild would have been a boy.' This got worse when said family members actually offered to pay for a private scan to double check our baby's gender. When i politely declined, to my face said family member states ... 'Well if your baby does turn out to be a boy that will be a massive bonus to us!'

Of course this has upset me, and I feel like I have let these family members down, even though I'm having their grandchild and now, this has gotten a lot worse and is starting to affect my relationship with my partner!!

Although I know my partner is looking forward to being a Dad (he has wanted a baby for ages) he has shown a lack of interest since hearing said family's opinion about us having a girl! I really have to nag him to get him to be interested in the plans for this little one!! But I've noticed that when my partner doesn't spend time with these family members he is excited and involved with our baby, and comes up with plans for day trips etc!!

My partner and I were discussing baby names the other day and he told me that he isn't really bothered what we call the baby and that it is my choice - he just wants to make sure he gets his boy moving forward! I knew he said this as a result of the shared disappointment from the family in question, but it absolutely broke my heart!! My partner even told me that he doesn't really want to sign our baby's birth certificate, or to have his name on it, because said family member has told him that if he does, our baby will be 'owned by the government and bound by the laws of this country!' The only reason he has agreed to put his name on our baby's birth certificate is because I told him signing the birth certificate gave him legal rights over our daughter (I know that probably wasn't the best thing to say but it was the first thing that popped in to my head - he now wants to make sure he has access to our baby if we ever split up so is willing to do it!!) I feel like all the exciting little things we should be doing together the two of us, have been robbed from us now because of this family and their influence over my partner sad

There are so many other things that are happening with this family ... They are purchasing items for the baby because they believe they are better than what I have bought, said family have told me that my daughter will be involved in the family hobby even though I said she may not want to. I've been constantly 'told' not to do things in case it hurts their grandchild and that some things I am doing will give bad luck to my baby, and this has continued throughout the whole of my pregnancy that I feel like an absolutely shite person!!

I can't even talk to my partner about this anymore because he becomes really defensive about said family members!!

I absolutely hate the fact that I have written this post and I feel like I am betraying my partner here but I seriously don't know what to do! I feel like I'm a bad person and a bad mother for disagreeing with this family but I've had to put up with this for the whole of my pregnancy and I am terrified about how this is going to continue when my little one is born. This should have been, and should be moving forwards, a magical experience and it has been an absolute nightmare!!

Im terrified of standing my ground with this family as I don't want to loose my partner or cause any grief between us all! Plus, as I've been made aware several times, said family members are the type of people who won't take any bull from anyone and, because of this, I feel that i can't say anything!!

And my partner is in a difficult situation because he is torn between them and me.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?? What do I do?! How can I protect my baby without coming across as a complete cow to my partner? Do I just stay quiet and keep my concerns to myself?! Or am I completely overreacting about them and am in need of a smack?!

I would really appreciate any advice that anyone has smile

OrchidLilly14 Tue 10-May-16 23:08:01

I just wanted to add here: my partner is absolutely lovely! He is a complete sweetheart and is usually so supportive of me!! I do completely adore him and we are the best of friends, it's just this situation with this family that are getting between us. I don't want him to hate me sad

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Tue 10-May-16 23:13:17

No. Your partner is weird and controlling. Doesn't want to be on the birth certificate? Yeah, really supportive hmm

OrchidLilly14 Tue 10-May-16 23:16:58

He only said that after this family told us about their belief on the matter, never mentioned it before that conversation.

BabyMonkeyMummy Tue 10-May-16 23:23:16

Does it not concern you that he can be so easily swayed by them? And how long term that could affect your child too? I assume it's his family that are the problem and it sounds as though there's possibly a cultural difference. He either needs to stand by you and stand UP for you or maybe if he can't it would be better for the child that he's not on her birth certificate. Wild horses couldn't have stopped my husband from being on my daughter's birth certificate and, to be frank, if anything or anyone would have even made him question being in the birth certificate I would have wanted nothing further to do with him.

I think you need to address this with your partner. Tell him you need to know that you're on the same page and if you're not on any of the issues, then you need to talk them through and figure out how you're going to deal with that. Then he needs to speak to his family (assuming it is HIS family) and tell them to back off with any of their unhelpful opinions or comments.

OrchidLilly14 Tue 10-May-16 23:28:22


You are right....I know you are right! But I also know my partner and the crap he has had to go through (and still does) with his family! They sort of disowned him when he was younger and he's only just started to have a relationship with them over the last few years! He is absolutely terrified of loosing then again which is why he often 'sides' with them! I know this about him and it's never really been a huge problem until now! I'm absolutely not excusing his attitude towards our little one but I understand how torn he is...I think I would feel the same being in his shoes!

BabyMonkeyMummy Wed 11-May-16 08:44:50

It's harsh but perhaps then disowning him was the kindest thing they ever did for him. It appears to have made him a more reasonable person but now that that contact is re-established they seem to be sucking him back in.

I do think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him. If you don't I would worry for the future.x

OrchidLilly14 Wed 11-May-16 12:55:14

You're right .... And I hope this works!

I just wondered if I stood my ground with the family, if it would make me the bad guy and not him, things would be better but I just don't know how to deal with them.

Thank you for your advice ... I really appreciate it smile

icedcherrytea Wed 11-May-16 13:07:11

Your DP needs to grow some balls.

You also need to start using that voice of yours as your baby won't have a voice and you are this baby's biggest advocate. What have you got to lose if you are seen as the bitch so what? Good.

I know where you are coming from my in laws are culturally different and wanted a boy to 'continue to family name' but we are having 2 girls so it's tough. They were also dissapointed. Again. TOUGH.

Use those pregnancy hormones to your advantage!! Get angry and stop being a doormat trying to impress them.

Colchestergal Wed 11-May-16 13:13:43

Your partner is unreasonable and uncaring. To not want to choose names nor be on the birth certificate is very selfish and mean.

He needs to put you and your babies needs above everyone else if you are to become a happy, loving family. If he doesn't, then it would be the end of the relationship if it was me. I couldn't be with a partner who prioritised others over me and his child.

OrchidLilly14 Wed 11-May-16 13:27:10

Wow you ladies are super strong ... I wish I had the same strength as you!!

Thank you so much for the advice. Im going to have a think about how best to approach this with my partner and then talk with him .... Hopefully it will go okay eeeeek!!!!

Colchestergal Wed 11-May-16 14:02:03

Super strong because I've learnt the hard way.

I've been in a position similar to you. I thought I could change him. But, the reality was, the only person to change him was himself. I out up with him for 10 years. We divorced. I'm remarried to a man who respects me and treats me as an equal. Now I understand the meaning of a true partnership!!

OrchidLilly14 Wed 11-May-16 14:10:16

I'm so sorry to hear things didn't work out with your ex partner however it's sooo lovely and refreshing to know that you are in a relationship where you are happy now smile

Praying for the same strength you have to deal with this smile

FoxgloveStar Fri 13-May-16 11:12:08

Sometimes it feels good to be the bad guy if you are standing up for something important, in this case your daughter. If you want them to treat her properly when she arrives then you can't put up with this sexist backward bullshit.

From your posts it sounds like your partner/his family might be from outside the UK, or have a culture or believe in a religion that devalues women.

Don't put up with this crap. Tell your partner he needs to 100% be on you side with this.

It makes me sick to think of how you must feel when they speak to you like this.

FoxgloveStar Fri 13-May-16 11:14:59

Also you should tell your midwife all of this.

Willberry Sat 14-May-16 19:02:35


I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. I can understand that their comments have really hurt you and made you feel like a rubbish person, and I wonder if the thinks they have been saying to him have made him feel like a failure as a parent already for not providing a male grandchild, and he feels like he has let his parents down again. If he was excited before his parents started commenting then I'm sure he will be excited again. I think you need to sit him down and ask him how he is feeling about this too and make sure he knows that you love him and are still thrilled you are having this baby together. It sounds like you need some time together as a couple to reconnect without these relatives arround if this is possible. My husbands parents disowned him too and I saw the absolute heartbreak, and the devistation and desperation the second time it happened. They are on good terms now but we both know we could never rely on them and I'd have a problem with our children spending extended time with them too as I've seen how badly they have dammaged him.

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