pregnant with second and anxious about more responsibility

[thewanderinglost]

I am 11 weeks pregnant with my second and have a happy, healthy 2.5 yr old boy. When I was pregnant with my first I didn't worry that I would be a good mum to him and my mat leave was one of the happiest times as I loved being a mum and found his development fascinating. I had a reserve of energy (being my first) and the novelty of motherhood lasted a long time.

Fast forward 2 plus years and I am an exhausted working mum, struggling with work-life imbalance in London. My husband and I both have demanding jobs, are in the middle of ongoing renovations, and are tight financially. Both of of our salaries have gone up a lot since our first (though I am now part-time) but with childcare and child-related costs and renovations we don't see a benefit and currently can't afford some of the modern conveniences (cleaner, car). We don't have family nearby though have a great network of friends and a strong relationship.

I am anxious for this child as I know I don't have the energy, time or money I had with my first. When my first was a baby we did lots of groups, outings, activities and I was so positive about the whole thing. We had a great time and I think that went some way in making him the happy boy he is now. Now I feel jaded and am no longer naive about what is involved in keeping a household with two working parents functioning.

Is it just pregnancy hormones/first trimester exhaustion? Do I need a kick up the backside? (seeing friends struggle with fertility makes me feel guilty about my lack of perspective) Any advice? I would really like to enjoy my pregnancy and think this child deserves all of those happy hormones too....

[MrsJoJo]

I'm with you! I was a sahm until DS started school then my marriage collapsed & I found myself a single mum and had to return to work full time. Now expecting a much wanted DC2 with my lovely new partner (he has 2 DS too) and know I will never give up work completely again because I don't want to be so reliant on a man again! My DS had all my time & energy, we did crafts & clubs and I spent nearly every waking hour with him.

This time it will be so different but my DC will have three doting brothers and a father who is involved & loves it's mother! My friends with more than one child tell me the second just slots in so I'm hoping that's the case here...

Financially - well we're moving house soon and have lots of renovations too. Just realised I need a new car too as current one doesn't support iso-fix (which we want for DC). Planning on lots of second hand bargains this time and much better idea of what I'm likely to use so won't be wasting money!

Hugs x

[Babyburd]

Remember that you can never be the "same" mother to each child as life / times moves forward and your experiences give you more knowledge and confidence. You are constantly evolving as a person.

It takes time, but you realise that what you think they are missing out on is balanced out in other ways (think the richness of being a cherished sibling / more confident parents/more relaxed style etc).

[dats]

I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. You'll cope ok, it'll be fine. I'm anxious, too (28w with DC2, DC1 is just 2) but I completely agree with both posts above! We're different people altogether than we were at this point in our first pregnancies. Things will likely be different next time around. I didn't particularly enjoy my mat leave if I'm honest, so I'm hoping this time will be easier - if nothing else I'll be able to look back with greater perspective at the first mat leave and think how easy I had it with one child! But yeah - don't overthink it, a sibling is the greatest gift you can give your boy. Congrats

[malvinandhobbes]

I remember those feelings when I had my second, we only had a 2.5 year gap.

When DS1 was about 6 months old, we talked about having a second and wrote "make baby" in the diary to allow for a 2.5 year gap. We got pregnant immediately, and when I look back on it now I can't believe we had them so close together. We planned to do it so we did. We both have busy careers and live very far away from family.

Honestly, I can't remember much about my pregnancy with DS2 at all. After a long gap, I am pregnant with number three and I can only compare this pregnancy to my first because I I was too tired to encode any memories during my second pregnancy. I worked until my waters broke. What I can remember of that pregnancy was that it was hard. I am 10 years older now, and having an easier pregnancy with baby number 3 - probably because I am not chasing a toddler.

BUT...DS2 was a divine baby. He was a dream baby, fat, happy, and laughed all the time. I took an 8 month leave with him and loved every minute. I kept DS1 in the creche 2.5 days a week for continuity, and had a wonderful time with them separately and individually. It was hard at times, but overall my memories of that mat leave are wonderful. My boys have an amazing bond and get on wonderfully. Their relationship is one of my favourite things in the world. I cannot image them without each other. I do not regret the age gap at all. It was hard, but has turned out very well.

I am having this third baby now, which is a gift. My boys are older and require me to talk to them and drive them around, but I never have to run after them or play with them on the floor. If they are poorly at night they don't wake me up. They don't use up my energy. I can totally appreciate this pregnancy because I have energy and experience. I suspect the same will be true of her babyhood. BUT...this is our last baby. She won't have a sibling 2.5 years younger than her, and I am very sad about that.

Sorry for the long post. Bottom line: yes, it is hard, it is different, but it will be wonderful in a totally different way and you definitely won't regret it. Each baby brings a new experience and new pleasures.

[malvinandhobbes]

That sounded all cheery didn't it? I am in the last weeks of my second trimester, feel well, and starting to get that third trimester dopiness. But, I'll stand by everything I said in the previous post. In my first trimester, at 8 weeks, I sobbed to my husband that I could not do it again and we were idiots and I had ruined my life by getting pregnant again. Pregnancy is hard on the personality.

I think you will be fine OP, and you too will feel all dopey and happy about it in a few months.