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43, pregnant and totally confused.

(15 Posts)
Bongo100 Sat 23-Apr-16 18:46:42

Looking for any advice here please!

I'm 43, a stepmother to my boyfriend's 3 year old and had kind of decided that I was happy with things as they were and that I was probably too old to have a baby anyway. My BF and I recently had sex during ovulation so we talked about it and decided to take the morning after pill.
Alas, that didn't work and I'm now 3 weeks pregnant!
This is a total shock for me. I never saw myself getting pregnant. I never thought it would happen to me. Despite all of my previous feelings about it, I'm now totally torn as to what to do.
There was about a six month period about a year ago when I thought we should try for a baby but my BF changed his mind and I soon arrived at the same decision because looking after his step son can be so tiring and hard work. It's not even me that has to get up in the night when he cries!
So here I am with a baby inside me (or the beginnings of) and suddenly the choice seems so much harder. It's a last chance saloon feeling which makes it much worse.
Is it the hormones that are making me more attached to the idea or do I take the plunge like everyone else seems to and just get on with it? I worry that my own business will suffer, that it will be difficult to juggle step son and our own child, that we won't have any money, that we will have to move house. It's endless.
On the other hand am just i being ruled by fear and once that baby arrives it will seem so natural and bring me so much happiness I would never regret it.

I know this decision is down to me but my mind is changing every hour and I don't want to tell anyone other than my best friend so I'm searching for more advice. Thanks in advance.

GipsyDanger Sat 23-Apr-16 19:05:12

If you have thought about having a baby earlier on in your relationship I think you would regret not going ahead.

AntiHop Sat 23-Apr-16 19:12:20

Would you definitely need to move home? The baby would share with you at first anyway and late could they share with their sibling.

Bongo100 Sat 23-Apr-16 19:57:58

I guess I wouldn't have to move house just yet but it's definitely something that would need to happen in a few years

allegretto Sat 23-Apr-16 20:03:37

Surely if you had sex during ovulation, you were open to the possibility of having a baby more recently?

liberatedwine Sat 23-Apr-16 20:20:22

Aw, I think you want this baby. 43 is no age, there are loads of new mums in their 40s. Your stepson will love being a big brother.

novemberchild Sat 23-Apr-16 21:44:29

They will be quite close in age, so can grow up together. Don't worry about being 43. If it's good enough for Gwen Stefani... smile

dats Sat 23-Apr-16 23:59:05

I'm 43 and 28w pregnant with my second. DD is 2 and it's been pretty hard work, but it's manageable, it's very real and meaningful (if that makes sense). Now, despite the fact I'm scared shitless about having two - eek - I am massively reassured that life does regain some normality again and that none of the hard stuff lasts forever.

DD is hilarious, brilliant and challenging and the older she gets, the easier and more fulfilling it is. I wouldn't compare how you feel about your stepson - nothing can prepare you for the...everything...the all-consuming new parenthood. The things you think you'll find hard, will not be the things you find hard - and vice versa.

Congrats - whatever you decide smile

howtorebuild Sun 24-Apr-16 00:04:40

Good grief, I am not your age yet and I can't imagine contemplating pregnancy and bringing up another child again. In your case you have a part time toddler around and it's your first. It seems like you both want a baby by taking a chance during ovulation time.

Bongo100 Tue 26-Apr-16 13:52:13

Thanks all. I've decided parenthood is not for me after all. It's been a very difficult decision.

ALBR Sat 30-Apr-16 16:08:25

Hi Bongo100,

I just wanted to say your post really helped me.

I am going through a similar thing.

I found out 3 weeks ago I'm pregnant and I feel past having kids. I have 2 beautiful girls age 4 and 6 who are both at school and our house is pretty civilised and my relationship with my husband is good. We are out of the baby/toddler stage which we both found really stressful and we weren't planning on going back to this.

We did consider having a third last year but I think it was more me not wanting to admit the baby years were over - deep down I didn't want to go back to that.

I think I am also suffering antenatal depression and I want my old life back.

I have been to see BPAS and I can go for a termination any time but I am scared. You're right, it is such a difficult decision. My mind is constantly changing too. I didn't turn up for my termination appointment on Wednesday for various reasons.

Well done for being brave and looking after yourself.

I hope all is OK since you made your decision. It must be in some ways a relief that you can move on. Take care x

Bongo100 Mon 02-May-16 10:11:39

Thanks very much ALBR. I'm really glad it was of some use to you too. It's a relief to not feel alone in these thoughts.

I went for my termination but it turned out it was too early so I have to wait a week longer... I was very nervous going in there but sitting in an extremely busy waiting room, I realised I was surrounded by some very brave women who had all decided to make a painful choice for the sake of their own and also a baby's future. I'm still not looking forward to it but I do feel sure I'm making the right decision.

I've just spent a lovely weekend with my BF and stepson and I'm appreciating that although I will never be a mum myself, I'm very happy with what I have.

Good luck in your decision x

Lightbulbon Mon 02-May-16 10:18:18

4 is a really nice gap, they can play together but won't need to compete with each other so much.

Plus it means by the time your maternity leave ends the eldest will almost be at school and have his own little world.

It's lonely being an only, I hated it growing up and now I'm an adult the burden of having reponsibility for my parents is huge.

You sound like a caring person who would make a great mum.

Albri Thu 05-May-16 08:51:33

Hi Bongo100,

How are you getting on?


GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Thu 05-May-16 09:36:22

I found out I was pregnant at 41 and had my ds at 42. It's hard and I don't even have to care for another child. I definitely went through a period of mourning for my former life although I don't regret having my ds, at least I no longer regret it. I'm told time and again that he's an easy baby but it's relative. You've made a tough decision, no doubt about it. I do hope you're content with your choice for your own peace of mind flowers Good luck x

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