Not sure how to explain this succinctly, so apologies for the long rambling post.
I've always assumed I would have kids one day.
A few years ago I had a couple of months being intensely broody and it took a bit of effort not to ask my fiancee if we could try for kids straight away. But I recognized it as hormones and knew it would be better to wait until we were slightly more settled.
We're now married and the plan is to start trying for babies in a few months (after our delayed honeymoon). This has always been the plan.
He's very excited and enthusiastic about it all. But as July looms closer I find myself becoming more and more hesitant -unwilling, even.
I have had a period of mental illness in the past that absolutely knocked me for six, and whilst I'm happy and healthy now I do recognize that I am not the most resilient of people. This is how I've always been - fragile and (maybe overly) sensitive is the best and least dramatic way I can think to describe it. Or just generally not very good at dealing with normal everyday life. The normal humdrum minor crises of growing up such as falling out with the popular kid in class, not making the team, failing an exam, changing school, being rejected by a guy, moving house, starting new jobs, not knowing anyone at a party, getting your skirt tuckedin your knickers had always been huge, emotionally crippling events to me (yes, even the knickers).
The thought of going through that whole cycle of growing up again, starting from square 1, really worries me. I feel like I've only just begun to be strong enough to pick myself up after all that. I don't think I can go through it all again with my own kids.
It's taken a lot of work to get myself as relatively sorted and together and well-adjusted as I am now. I found that keeping my home a calm, quiet, organized environment, regular sleep, healthy food and regular exercise (all the standard self care things depression sufferers do) has helped - has become essential - to maintaining my mental well being. And I know these will inevitably be the first things to go with the arrival of kids.
I'm concerned that I won't be able to care for myself to the same degree with a young family. Or older kids. Or teenagers. I feel like I've only just begun to get myself mentally/emotionally together and on a well-adjusted, even keel. Kids means diving in at the deep end and potentially trampling all over that progress.
However I love my husband so, so much. He's a big part of the reason I feel so much better now. And he's so excited about becoming a father and starting a family. I know he'll be as supportive as he can be, but it won't always be enough.
We always planned to have kids, and to start trying for them about now (his parents are older and not in great health and we didn't want to wait much longer so they would still be healthy and active enough to be involved grandparents). So even without my own biological clock starting to run out, waiting another few years to see if my feelings change isn't really a viable option. It doesn't feel fair to him to turn around now and say I've changed my mind.
If I got a burst of broody hormones again, I would happily allow the irrational feelings to carry me through. However, as things stand now, in the cold light of day and with a warm, fuzzy hormone-free head, getting pregnant feels pretty bloody scary. On the other hand I know it would devastate my husband and create a lot of hurt in an otherwise amazing partnership. Literally on our first date he brought up the subject and said he was looking forward to having a family one day.
I'm not saying I wouldn't love any children we might have. I hope I'd be a good mum, I just don't think I'd be able to look after myself probably. Which would inevitably entail also not being able to look after babies and children properly.
Any advice? Over catastrophising is another tendency of mine, but I've tried to look at this as calmly as I can. But maybe I have just got caught in a loop of over-thinking everything. An outside, unbiased opinion would be very much appreciated.
Many thanks in advance.
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Pregnancy
Husband more excited to start a family than I am
JesseF987 · 16/04/2016 22:54
have you talked to your DH? This is a huge decision, you need to be comfortable with it.
I've experienced this from the perspective of the partner of someone with mental health issues. My DH suffers with depression and anxiety and I have to accept that this is just a part of him. It has meant that he wasn't ready for children when I was. The waiting for him was difficult, as my friends were having babies and he wasn't certain that he would ever be ready. It is important for both of you to want to get pregnant. You might get pregnant really quickly and have to adjust suddenly or it might take a while, which is also hard.
I'm still pregnant, so can't give any advice on coping after the baby arrives, but we are viewing it as an exciting adventure into the unknown! The baby will have a blend of both personalities, plus other unguessable traits, so hopefully won't have all the same issues you felt in childhood. And the parenting won't fall exclusively on you - your DP, extended family and friends will all want to help.
Dear Jesse, I read your post and it could have been written by me. Like you I struggled at school with mental health, it is possible that I had some form of autism, and I was nearly sent to a special school.
Now I am 34 I am happily married with a home and a decent job. A normal life, but things no one thought I would ever achieve. I am still not right however and sometimes still struggle to cope with every day frustrations of life. I get anxiety rather than depression, and have extremely negative beliefs about myself stemming from childhood.
Like you it was my husband who really wanted children, and like you I love him so much I want to give them him. Plus my parents, who have no other grandchildren. Having found love I am happy and finally feel safe, but I know that having a child would mean I will be anxious for the rest of my life.
It took a while for me to really want this - but he put no pressure on me - and here I am 13 weeks pregnant. I have times of doubt, but I know this is what I want and we will make this work.
Other posters have told you that your self-awareness will be an advantage bringing up a child as it will allow you to spot problems and to understand how your child is feeling. That is exactly what people in RL have told me.
May I ask how old you are? That may have a bearing on how long you feel you can wait. I understand about your husband's parents, it's the same for us with both sets of parents in their 60s, with one grandad with a bad back and another who struggles to walk. Even that makes me feel negative and angry that our child won't have the perfect experience.
I understand your fears that you will struggle to look after your child as a result of your own MH. An ex of mine once told me that, which made me even more reluctant to have a child.
If you need any support from someone feeling the same things, just let me know
Oh and SickRose I have all those worries you described too! But like Solasum said, breaking it down into chunks really helps. Even taking one or two days at a time has helped me during my pregnancy.
I like the positive outlook from Lumpish , hopefully it could be the same for us, taking us out of our own heads to focus on our child, whilst encouraging us to stay strong so we can be strong for them.
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