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Birth Trauma and wanting a second child..?

(6 Posts)
ThePebbleCollector Wed 06-Apr-16 12:20:04

Hi All,

I'm not sure of the best place to put this thread. My daughter is 15 months old, and I had a traumatic birth with her and a 7 day stay in hospital after she was born.

The problem with my traumatic birth is that a lot of the things that went wrong were cock ups and miscommunication on the hospital's behalf, resulting in me not having the birth I wanted (but could have had had things been done properly) and not given proper care.

I've had a debrief with midwives where fault was admitted on a number of points and I was sent a detailed report on the whole birth and what they have taken away from it.

From the moment my daughter was born myself and my partner were adamant we would never do it again. It was all just too much for us... and despite the debrief I still struggle with the events due to them not being unavoidable... as well as unavoidable situations such as 4th degree tears and ending up in theatre..etc. And lots of inconsistencies after my daughter was born.

My partner plays with the idea of having another... and If I am honest with myself before this all happened I did want more than one.

I'm just trying to look for other ladies who went onto have another child after a traumatic birth, and asking if they may share their experiences?

Zarya Wed 06-Apr-16 12:39:37

I don't have answer but in a similar situation, so following to see what others say.
My DS is 21months now, and I feel I am in the now or never phase for number 2. But parts of pregnancy and birth were traumatic, and I still get very angry when discussing it.

Is there any option to go to a different hospital?

RayofFuckingSunshine Wed 06-Apr-16 12:50:38

I had a traumatic first birth. I won't go into the details because they're not helpful. But it was also handled badly afterwards too, my requests for a debrief were ignored and I was left alone and completely unsupported with regards to dealing with the physical and mental trauma afterwards. I decided I was never having another baby. Ever.

Skip forward six years. Firstborn doing well, I'm doing well, solid marriage. We decide that actually, another one might be nice. I thought I'd dealt with my issues surrounding my first birth. I feel pregnant fairly easily and was doing well until somewhere at about 14 weeks it hit me that I was going to have to give birth. I eventually broke down at a consultant appointment when he asked me about a birth plan. I was diagnosed with PTSD and it was taken very seriously by the hospital (different hospital to my first). They arranged for therapy almost immediately which helped quite a lot, although I spent the rest of the pregnancy massively anxious and utterly convinced I was going to die during delivery. I refused to buy anything for myself for after delivery and made sure my will and insurances and things were set in order, I was so convinced I wasn't leaving the hospital.

I was eventually induced, and despite my anxiety, and a number of things going wrong during the labour and me not getting the labour I wanted, I found it to be a very positive experience. Completely different to my first, and that was pretty much down to the medical staff at the hospital I delivered at. The midwife who eventually delivered DD2 was amazing, and grasped right away that what I desperately needed from her was to be kept informed at all times.

Despite having a positive experience second time around, I wasn't prepared for afterwards. Hormones don't help (I had her three weeks ago), but now that I have had a positive experience with delivery, I'm even more upset that my first was handled so badly, and am very angry that it was allowed to happen. It effected my mental health and my first year with DD1 because I was such a mess, and I will never get that back.

If you do decide to have another, please get some counselling before falling pregnant. We couldn't cover everything that we should've due to the time constraints. Research your hospital well, that made a big difference for me. The ability to make the second as different as possible from the first delivery meant that I didn't end up having flashbacks during my second labour, which was a concern for a while, and allowed me to mentally separate the two. Most importantly, don't go into it with unrealistic expectations. I was utterly convinced I had dealt with my shit from the first one, and was completely unprepared for the intensity of the utter panic and anxiety when I realised that giving birth was happening again.

ThePebbleCollector Wed 06-Apr-16 14:10:56

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, It really is appreciated and has given me a lot to consider.

OwlinaTree Wed 06-Apr-16 22:35:28

Depending on how you feel about giving birth again, but would you consider having a planned section? I had a terrible first birth and then had my second by c section. I'm expecting again and the section is booked.

I know it's not the right choice for everyone, but it takes away that unknown quantity of how the labour will go.

Lindy2 Wed 06-Apr-16 22:56:45

I had a third degree tear and my second birth was a planned csection. My consultant was very keen for me to elect to have a section. I definitely didn't have to fight for one. It was calm and easy to recover from (in comparison).
With your tear and trauma I'm sure you would be offered a section.
Don't let the bad experience change your hopes and plans for your family. It doesn't have to be like that again.

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