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Feeling no connection

(10 Posts)
Jenjen85 Mon 04-Apr-16 14:48:26

I am 18+5 weeks and I just dont feel a connected to this pregnancy/baby yet. Its not that I dont want the baby cause I do although this pregnancy was a very big shock. I just dont really feel like Im pregnant, i have not felt it move, im scared about the future (being able to afford this baby) im scared I wont feel a connection to baby when its born cause I dont feel one now. Plus its hard to be excited about this baby when I'm stressing about how we can afford it and need to do an extension etc. Just wondering if I will feel a connection maybe when i feel it move, or will i not ever feel that connection until its born? I feel awful for saying it as when pregnant with DD I felt a connection from day one. I'm worried about getting postnatal depression because of how I'm feeling now. Even my OH has admitted to not feeling a connection to this baby and he's worried how he'll feel when it's born too. Iv said if we find out what we're having that might help us form a connection. Can anyone help?

Cakescakescakes Mon 04-Apr-16 14:56:14

I felt zero connection to either of my babies while I was pregnant. Especially second time round. I just couldn't equate my bump with an actual child. With dc1 it took about 6 weeks after he was born then a big thunderbolt of love hit me and I bonded great with him. With dc2 it took about 10 weeks. He was a poorly challenging baby and I was just exhausted. But I would absolutely give my life for either of them now. They are my total world smile Don't worry - I think it's pretty normal. Just try to relax and take care of yourself.

Cakescakescakes Mon 04-Apr-16 14:57:07

And DH had instant bond first time and took a while second time too. But we just kept on going and the bonds have come with time. Don't worry smile

Sleepybunny Mon 04-Apr-16 14:59:29

I think what you describe is totally normal, assuming it's a first baby?

I tried to feel 'bonded' but even when a baby is completely planned, it's still a really uncertain time. You worry about jobs, career, money, friends, family relationships all changing. Not to mention worrying about birth, recovery and other complications like PND and just the general anxiety of having a completely dependent little human to take care of!

I tell you this as the most unsentimental person ever, when that baby was born, I felt such a rush of love! I've never known anything like it!

I know it comes differently for everyone. The love may grow gradually after the birth. And there will always be bumps in the road (very normal to have baby blues 3-5 days post birth), but don't feel like these feelings are abnormal. You sound like your just focusing on practical things you can control.

Sophia1984 Mon 04-Apr-16 15:00:30

Hi Jenjen I think it's totally normal to feel that way. For me, I think I avoided getting too attached until after the 20 week scan, as I was worried something would be wrong. Finding out I'm having a boy has helped as I can refer to him as 'him' not 'it'! It's also amazing once you can feel baby moving inside you, and I think that can definitely make a difference. Remember there's no 'right' way to feel though, and it might even take you till weeks after baby has been born - and that's ok! It's pretty standard for men to take longer as they're not experiencing the hormonal changes.

I don't have a lot of spare money either, so understand the money worries. I've found being super organised about planning what we need to buy, and what we can get secondhand (basically all equipment except car seat and cot mattress) has helped me worry less.

If you are feeling depressed or anxious, do let your midwife know. They can refer you for support if you need it. It's really nice to know they're looking out for you.

Jenjen85 Mon 04-Apr-16 16:53:12

sleepybunny no this is second baby and that's why I'm so worried as with my first I did feel a connection. I'm hoping when we had our 20wk scan next week I start to feel a bit more of a connection and also hoping finding out will help too

Cantstopsmiling37 Mon 04-Apr-16 17:24:53

Jenjen - I've only just realised I'm going to have baby no 3 and I'm 37+3 with a very big, very active bump. I've just started mat leave, I think you just don't have time to bond when you have other children/work etc.... to juggle. You will love this baby, its just harder to imagine cause you're preoccupied with the child already here????

Runningbutnotscared Mon 04-Apr-16 23:14:41

I'm another who didn't feel connected to their bump, and it all turned out fine :-)

Really do try not to worry about it. As others have said you will love your new baby, it might just be a bit different because you are older and wiser than you were the last time.

Personally I didn't feel that overwhelming rush of love until seven months in last time. I did love my baby when it was born, without question I would have done anything for him, but that overwhelming love thing took a while. I didn't panic as I knew it would come and I would take the best care I could of him no matter what.

You will be the same and you will care and love your new baby when it's here and that's all that matters.

LadybirdSpots Mon 04-Apr-16 23:33:37

I'm 32+3 with my second and I still don't feel connected to him.
Even though he non stop moves, I just can't imagine an actual baby being in there.
I'm also terrified this time around! The thought of having another child scares me to death, but I know that once he's here I'll love him just as much as I love DS, so I'm trying not to beat myself up too much!

FifiRebel Tue 05-Apr-16 09:49:57

Hi jenjen, I'm 23+5 and I felt exactly the same until a few weeks ago. I have been diagnosed with antenatal depression & anxiety (also a surprise pregnancy) and I assumed it was a side effect. The perinatal team kept reassuring me that it's completely normal to find it difficult to connect to the baby and a lot of mums feel this way. I have definitely felt more of a connection since the baby has been kicking.

Have you tried pregnancy yoga or similar classes? I've found it helpful for bonding with baby. A lot of the relaxation practices are focused on thinking about the baby. However - I did find this difficult when I first attended (and felt the same as you) as I felt guilty for not wanting to focus on baby!

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