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Sad at having different surname to children

(97 Posts)
iloveberries Tue 29-Mar-16 08:07:05

I have DS with my EXH. I kept my married name as it felt very much mine. I had established my career with this name and most importantly I like having the same name as DS.

I am pregnant with a much wanted baby with my new partner (not that new!) He wants the baby to have his surname and I can fully understand that but I feel really sad at having a different name to baby. I think one day we may marry but even then I think I would like to keep my current name (ex H name and same as DS as it feels very much mine.)

I know this is a trivial problem and name is just a name and the main point is that we are so delighted to be having a baby after a few troubles long the route to healthy pregnancy but I can't shake that feeling that I feel uncomfortable that the baby will have his last name and not the same as me.

iloveberries Tue 29-Mar-16 08:08:29

I wondered if anyone had been through the same or had any thoughts..

Notrobusta Tue 29-Mar-16 08:21:02

Could you hyphen it so your surname- partners surname. That way you at least have half the same name and your two children will have half the same name.

greenlizard Tue 29-Mar-16 08:50:36

I understand how you feel (so bit). My D'S has his Dad's name not mine but we are getting married next year and I will take his name. My son has my surname A one of his middle names so it will always be part of his name.

I can understand that your partner would not want his child to carry the surname of your ex husband even if you feel a bit odd having a different name.

Dixiechick17 Tue 29-Mar-16 11:13:53

As green lizard said, I wouldn't be happy if I was a guy and my child had the ex of my partners surname. You could maybe just double barrel yours and DS1 so you have part of the same name as DS2. You can continue to use you maiden name alongside a married name too though, legally I can use Ms P on whatever I want and then Mrs A for official stuff.

afromom Tue 29-Mar-16 11:23:19

It's really tricky isn't it!
I have my Exh surname as does DS. I now have a new partner and we are planning to get married sometime in the future, he has a DD with his surname. DP has said when we get married he'd like me to take his name as he doesn't like the thought of us being married but he still having Exh name, I can see his point. DS on the other hand has said that he would be upset if I change my surname as then he will be the only one with a different surname!
I really don't know what the answer is, as someone will be upset regardless! Sorry not much help!

Slumberparty Tue 29-Mar-16 12:20:57

I think a name is not that big a deal. Since I was 10 my DM had a different surname to me when she re-married and it was never an issue. Never gave it a second thought. When I have my baby it will have my DPs surname. TBH even if me and DP marry I'll probably keep my surname even though DC will have his. It's just a surname and I'm used to the one I have smile

Everythinggettingbigger Tue 29-Mar-16 12:27:35

I know how you feel regarding not having the same surname as your children. I have a 5yo DS with my DP and 32 weeks with DS2....we have been together for 8 years and have bought a house together too.....we are very happy in our relationship with DP just doesn't want to get married. I gave DS DPs surname thinking I would one day have the same name and seemed pointless to have to change DS's then too, DP has since told me about not wanting to get married and so now obviously I don't want my boys having different names to eachother so DS2 will also have DPs surname. I hate the fact that they are different to mine.

Yours is a much more awkward situation, I would go with the suggestions of double barrelling your surname you have now (exh) with your current partners, so you will have half the name of both your children.

Seems so trivial to some people doesn't it, but it is a big issue for me so I know how you feel

SpeakNoWords Tue 29-Mar-16 12:40:44

I used my surname as a middle name for my DS1 and will do so for DC2 too. They will both have my partners surname (for various reasons). Could you use your current surname as one of your new child's middle names? I presume your DP has only ever known you by that surname, so it is your name irrespective of the origins of it. If he gets to insist on using his name, then yours should also be considered as a middle name.

SpidersFromMars Tue 29-Mar-16 12:44:58

Why not double barrel everyone, or at least both of the children?

newname4this1 Tue 29-Mar-16 12:58:11

I never realised how important this was until my pfb was stillborn. His headstone will have his DF's name on it when it finally arrives. It massively upsets me as we live in a small town where people will see that headstone and not realise that is my son. We have a work around in that my name will also be on it e.g. son of newname4this1 but it still bothers me. Hopefully i will share the surname one day.

I have no suggestions really apart from asking you're ex dp if you could double-barrel other dc's names or asking other dc if they are older how they would feel about you changing your surname to DP's.

iloveberries Tue 29-Mar-16 14:12:09

afromum that is the same as my situation. If the new baby has DPs name and I were to change mine if we get married then DS would be (in his words) the odd one out. I talked to him about how we could both double barrel but he just wants to keep the name he has which I fully respect. Our names would double barrel together well but I'm generally not a fan of double barrelled names.

DP has only ever known me by the name I have now and has also said he'd like me to take his name if we got married. I don't think it'd be a big deal if I wanted to keep mine but I do think he would hate the idea of baby having my (old married) name - and I understand that.

Just another reason to get it right first time really!!

Fugghetaboutit Tue 29-Mar-16 14:26:45

newname flowers could you not put your name as your baby's middle name? That's what I've done for both of mine.

So they're:

James Smith Jones
Emily Smith Jones

My surname is Smith and dads is Jones so not joint surnames but my names as a middle name

newname4this1 Tue 29-Mar-16 15:25:42

He was born July last year and it didnt cross my mind to do that and the headstone is ordered.

As i say my name is on it as his mother so that's something but i would have much preferred that we all shared the same surname.

iloveberries Tue 29-Mar-16 18:46:41


I am so so sorry for your loss x

OwlinaTree Tue 29-Mar-16 19:53:06

All choose a totally new surname and change to that? Your first ds could then double barrel his father's surname with the new name.

Sounds crazy but seems to be the only solution!

kiki22 Tue 29-Mar-16 21:02:56

I would double barrel your name with your ex and dp's or change back to your maiden name. I understand where your coming from I change my name to the same as DP and DS we didn't get married because we didn't want to (I know I'm a wild child going against tradition 😅) it felt right to all have the same name, its so much harder in your situation especially if it upsets your older child, if you don't want to double barrel I would keep your current name as new baby won't know any different you older child will.

iloveberries Thu 31-Mar-16 11:04:21

That's a good point about my DS knowing different if I change my name but baby not... kiki.

I know DP wouldn't want to change his name and completely understand that. We could double barrel baby's name... More likely it will just have DPs name. Tbh I am so thrilled to be pregnant that i shouldn't really let it bother me!

suspiciousofgoldfish Fri 01-Apr-16 05:05:00

It annoys me that kids and women have to take the mans name.

I don't have anything helpful to say. Sorry.

MeredithFrampton Fri 01-Apr-16 05:13:21

"I know DP wouldn't want to change his name and completely understand that. "

Why is it completely understandable that he should keep his name and also dictates that the baby currently in your womb should have his name too?

You do not have to do it just because he says so, you know

iloveberries Fri 01-Apr-16 07:08:54

meredith - I understand as his career is also established under his current name. Also his DCs have his name and there is no way his EXW would allow them to change theirs... Although I suppose they could when older.

I'm not saying his name should dictate the baby's name. Just that I understand why he wants to keep his, just as I want to keep mine.

I also understand that as the name I have is technically my exH's, DP would feel even weirder about our baby having that name. If it was my maiden name it would be different I think.

You're right though- we don't HAVE to do what he wants... I do understand how he sees it though

imip Fri 01-Apr-16 07:23:27

flowers new name I had the same issue in reverse. When my still born eldest dd body was given to at the mortuary in a temporary cardboard coffin, it had written on it 'dds first name mysurname, baby of imip' I did not changed name when I got married, personal preference. So dh seemed completely out of the question. No one at the hospital had asked us anything about this and we hadn't naturally had the clarity of mind to discuss it. This was on a visit to see dd at the mortuary at our request, I could easily have not gone, many wouldn't. It felt like dh was not part of this baby at all, yet he was as broken as I was.

All 5 dc have dh name, I'm not at all bothered by this, I had exactly the opposite experience but exactly the same reaction!

HooseRice Fri 01-Apr-16 07:30:02

Friend of mine kept her first married name. She lived with her DP for about 15 years, they had a daughter who also got her married name, even though she's obv no relation to friend's exh.

I've no idea why though, it's impolite to ask.

Do what makes YOU most comfortable. Probably not popular on here but I think the mother should have the final say in names.

BoboChic Fri 01-Apr-16 07:30:55

My DD has both our surnames, hyphenated. Since we travel a lot, this is incredibly useful when crossing borders. And I could not have conceived of my DD not having my surname. I am personally very attached to my father's family and like having his name.

One of my cousins persuaded her DH to double barrel his surname with hers on marriage so that he, she and their DC all share a double-barreled surname.

Blu Fri 01-Apr-16 07:42:54

OP and Afromum: just add your DP's surname to your own.
Double barrelled names are becoming a very usual solution these days.

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