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First pregnancy -freaking out

(22 Posts)
Indiana77 Sun 20-Mar-16 22:13:23

Hi all, I am new to here.

Beware, a long, confused tangent is about to follow. I think I am partly just trying to clear my extremely confused and scared mind.

I am 38 and never felt particularly broody. I have always had loads of interests and a creative, interesting job that I love and which allows me to travel a lot all over the world. I have a great relationship, got married last year after 4.5 years together. 4 days ago I discovered I was pregnant. It wasn't exactly unexpected as we stopped using contraception 6 months ago, mainly because I thought perhaps I should give it a go and see what happens. I hope this doesn't sound too immature or ridiculous to everybody...but as I'd never felt particularly broody, I almost wondered if there was something wrong with me for not having maternal feelings at all. I am not a domestic person and my life lacks routine. (Apart from what my dog provides.)
I thought, perhaps if I got pregnant those feelings would arise. While babies do nothing for me, I do sometimes enjoy the company of older kids, and I was thinking that in the future, when I am older, it would be nice to have family around. I suppose I thought, can I carry on with my life as it is forever? Will I still in ten years time be doing my job, going to the pub, eating out and just living with my partner? And will I enjoy it? These thoughts lead me to leave out contraception. It was sort of my last chance to give it a go.

And then, of course I get pregnant almost immediately, and freak out MASSIVELY. My husband is extremely happy, and I feel guilty for initiating this whole thing and now not being at all sure it's what I want. I am terrified all the things I used to love about my life: the travels at work, the freedom, the lie-ins at the weekend, foreign adventures with my husband who is also my best friend, the boozy nights at the pub, long dinners, the deep conversations about films that we watch....that it is coming to an end. We have no outside help either as my mother is the only grandparent left and she lives in another country. Would we be putting ourselves in an impossible situation if we have the baby? Will we manage?

I feel awful to say I have no loving feelings towards what's inside me (I can't really call it a baby as I am only 4 weeks pregnant), but instead I feel invaded, like my body isn't mine any more. I feel ugly, I have lost interest in work projects because I feel like what's the point, I wont be able to complete them now anyway. Then, the next minute I get curious about what this new person might look like and what his or her personality's going to be, and thinking how much fun it's going to be when he/she gets older and we can chat about stuff.

I really wish I could feel straightforwardly happy but I don't, and that makes me wonder if keeping the baby is the right choice.

I am a scared mess, to sum it up.

Does anyone here have any thoughts about this? Perhaps other people from financially insecure but gratifying creative industries? Other people who love travelling? I'd really appreciate your thoughts and comments. Thank you.

TattieHowkerz Sun 20-Mar-16 23:23:44

Congratulations. It is early days. It's all a bit abstract at this point. I remember with my DD seeing the first scan and laughing. I thought I was mean to well up with emotion. I didn't. My career is important to me and I found it hard to let go and go on maternity leave.

Well she has grown on me smile. Being a Mum is the best thing I ever did. It is often hard, but always, always worth it. My career hasn't suffered. I travel more for work now than before but I always want to rush home to DD (and my DP). In fact, we are having another so I guess it was the right choice!

There isn't a right way to be and feel. You'll get there. I promise you'll be very, very glad,

Ahappynewmummy Mon 21-Mar-16 06:26:36

I'm only 22 and when I found out I was pregnant (a huge shock as was told I couldn't get pregnant naturally) I just started a great career, going out boozing every weekend everything what a 22 year old should do.

now he's 9 weeks old and we still go out for long meals adventure days out. it is possible so try not to worry. Enjoy your pregnancy and it will all fall into place.

congratulations too :D flowers

whiteychappers Mon 21-Mar-16 07:16:04

Some of these feelings will be hormones, I was so confused for weeks as I thought I'd made a terrible mistake (baby is very much planned). Now I'm 12 weeks and feeling so much better, I think seeing the baby made it more real and my hormones are at a normalish level I think now x

brookeberry Mon 21-Mar-16 09:22:30

Hi Indiana, your thoughts are natural and understandable. You have a good life that you enjoy and it is going to change. It's a lot to take in. I'm 42 and about to have my first child - much wanted and we tried for quite a long while, but DH and I have had a very happy life together, I run my own business, we love our own company - so I am well aware a lot of things are going to be different (although I don't really know how yet!). I think this is where the length of pregnancy is helpful though. It is a very gradual evolution and you are right at the beginning. I am over 36 weeks now and you do change and go with what's happening. It's a 'journey' as they say and you are just at the beginning, so just go with it - the two (three) of you will evolve together. My DH and I are very much a team and I may be the one who is pregnant, but we are doing it every step of the way together. It's a new and unknown adventure. Try not to think too far ahead - be in the moment and experience this unbelievable thing that is happening to both of you. smile

Indiana77 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:14:16

Thanks so much everyone, It really does help to read your comments and thoughts, makes me feel less alone. I guess I have wondered about my 38 (and my husband is 44) one is kind of set in her ways, maybe it is harder to make life changes when you are so used to living on your own terms for so long. I guess what worries me a lot too is the lack of help from grandparents, as my mum lives so far away. How did those of you who have a kid cope with that? Does everyone have outside help and if so, from where? Thanks again, I already did a hormonal nutcase cry as I was so relieved to hear from all of you! :D

freerangeeggs Mon 21-Mar-16 16:02:20

Hi OP. Snap! I'm 32 years old and found out last week that I was six weeks pregnant. Did a pregnancy test and then a couple of days later I was sat in a doctor's office with a dildo cam up my nethers listening to a heartbeat. In my head all I could think was, oh fuuuuck!

I ran out of contraceptives and thought that was a bit strange as I had thought I had plenty. Anyway, it's a bit of a pain going to the doctor and I didn't want to take time off work so we left it a while and just tried to be careful until we got a holiday. Obviously we were not careful enough, I am well and truly duffed up and two days after I found out I was clearing a bookcase and found three packs of contraceptive pills that our cleaner had clearly found and helpfully stowed away in a safe place for me.

Husband is delighted and so are the family members I've told. A couple are suffering from various ailments at the moment and my pregnancy has been presented as some sort of light at the end of the tunnel ('now you have a reason to get better!') which is nice but jeez.

My DH has been amazing but I have been sick as a dog for days. I feel fat and bloated and disgusting. I had pretty much decided that I didn't really want to have children, though I'm a secondary school teacher and do like them when they get a bit older. I've already had to cancel some exciting plans I had for summer.

Nothing to be done. Oh well. I'm trying to be positive and I am feeling better about it all. It's an experience anyway! Good luck OP, you're not alone x

freerangeeggs Mon 21-Mar-16 16:03:37

Btw, I'm also worried about being so far away from support. All my family and friends are back home and we don't know anyone very well here. So I sympathise with you there too.

CityMole Mon 21-Mar-16 16:38:14

Congratulations! there are chunks of your post I could have written myself.
I am an older mother to be, a bit late to the party in terms of deciding I might want children, and we weren't even actively TTC when I fell pregnant last year, although we had talked about starting trying imminently. I felt absolutely robbed that it had happened so quickly! not least because we were about to embark on a 'holiday of a lifetime' type trip, which I ended up having to do at 8 weeks pregnant and- while I had no morning sickness or anything- I was being mindful of not being able to join my DP in getting joyfully smashed (and I also had a small bleed before we went away and ARGH. HOLIDAY WAS GOING TO BE RUINED.) of course, the holiday was not at all ruined but I just didn't feel ready to deal with motherhood so quickly and I panicked. I still don't in some ways but you just get on with it.

I have found that plenty of unimaginative people take great pleasure in telling you that your 'social life is over' and enjoy your last few weeks of sleep', 'kiss goodbye to your hobbies' and other colourable imitations of this theme- it would make you wonder why anybody ever bothers having children if it's that awful!! I even had a woman that I only know vaguely through our local say 'you career women, you think you know it all and you think you can have it all. Just you wait, you'll not want to go back to work after your mat leave'. And I was left like this grin <--- open mouthed in astonishment.

I have decided that going forward, we will nod and smile but politely ignore everybody else, no matter how good their intentions may be. We will be fine at this. you are going to be fine at this, better than fine. you sound like such a well rounded individual and the fact that you are even freaking out about these things makes you intuitive and caring, and insightful. I am learning that there is an awful lot about parenthood that is going to be out of our control- but one thing that (good peri-natal mental health permitting) we have in our favour is our ATTITUDE and I absolutely intend to parent as positively, and open mindedly as I possibly can, with a view to raising an inclusive family of 3 of us, where we still have fun, pursue goals as team, and rather than feeling held back, we look at ways of adapting.

If this was a film it would now show the subtitle 'six months later' and would cut to me, face-down, wailing into a changing mat and bashing my fists on the floor grin

You are honestly going to be ok. We are going to be ok flowers

underrugsswept Mon 21-Mar-16 16:45:39

My DS was very much planned but I got pregnant very quickly and spent the first 10 weeks in a state of complete panic. By the time I had my scan Ishad started to feel better and then after seeing him jumping about on the screen I was high as a kite for about a week. Getting pregnant signals and completely new phase in your life and it's normal to be nervous but honestly, my DS is the absolute love of my life now and I can't imagine not having him around. You'll be fine, just be kind to yourself.

Starla268 Mon 21-Mar-16 16:49:02

My first time posting here after finding out I was pregnant just over a week ago. I have been through many of the same feelings as you! We had decided to try for a baby but I fell before even having a proper period after coming off the pill so it was much, much quicker than I had been expecting.

I spent the first day crying in the bathroom, feeling petrified that I had made the wrong choice, that I wasn't really ready, that my career will suffer and I would lose touch with all my friends. Then I felt guilty for being so selfish. I didn't actually tell anyone until a good week after I found out as I wanted one more week of being 'normal'!

I have to say that since telling my husband, mum and a couple of close friends I'm staring to feel a bit more ok about it. Although I'm still having moments where I feel like I'm grieving for the life I'm giving up I'm also having moments where I'm getting excited about our new life with a baby.

cocochanel21 Mon 21-Mar-16 17:26:36

I think what your feeling is totally natural.

I fell pregnant with dd1 at 15 and as you would imagine I was petrified and scared. I had to grow up quickly and missed out in a lot because dd came first.

When I was 28 I met DH my life really changed for the better, Dd1 was 13 so didn't need me as much. Got married at 32 and thought it was going to be my time. At 38 I fell pregnant unplanned I was a mess crying and couldn't believe it had happened. At one point I thought about not going ahead with the pregnancy. If I'm honest I didn't really have a good pregnancy and was worried I wouldn't bond with the baby when it arrived, at 7mths I suffered a breveament that nearly finished me off.

Dd2 is 4mths old and she is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. Once your LO is here nothing else will matter.
Good Luck.

MollieRos Mon 21-Mar-16 18:14:12

I also could have written parts of your post. my DH and I are both 34 and whilst neither of us actively felt like we wanted children, we were also worried that we would regret not having them. I've never been particularly broody and babies do nothing for me at all. We dithered for a long time then just decided to not be so meticulously careful with contraception and see what happened. I fell pregnant immediately, and it was a big shock to both of us.

I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and neither of us are very sure that we're doing the right thing, but it's too late now! If someone asked me right now if I want children, my answer would still be uncertain. I don't feel even slightly maternal towards my growing bump, although I know there's a baby in there, I can't even begin to visualise them as an actual baby that will be in our lives very soon. My scans left me completely cold, and when I look at them now I don't feel anything. Everyone keeps saying things like "you must be so excited!" Um, not really no.

However... CityMole articulated it very well- we are going to be ok. My DH and I are a team, and have lovely lives at the moment. When the baby gets here our lives will be as different as they can be, but we'll still be the same people and I know that it'll work out. We will continue our lovely lives, but as a unit of 3, rather than 2. We are going to be ok.

LittleLionMansMummy Mon 21-Mar-16 19:44:39

I can relate to some of your feelings op and believe it's totally normal.

This is our second pregnancy (ds1 is 5yo) and although I wouldn't say I had an overwhelming desire to have another, I couldn't make my mind up so decided to come off the pill and let fate take its course. It took 2 years to conceive ds so neither of us was expecting it to happen so soon - I'm now 37 with a history of pcos and dh is 46. So a week ago I found out I was pregnant after just 3 months. The feelings I felt were totally different to the overwhelming joy and happiness I felt when I discovered I was pregnant with ds. We'd had virtually no time to 'come to terms' with the idea of being parents to another child this time around. I didn't know how I should feel but I was mostly weirded out at the thought of changing our wonderful family dynamic and scared about the impact on our lives - particularly ds's life.

From memory it all feels more real and more positive when you begin to feel the baby move and respond to you later in pregnancy. By then you've also had time to digest everything and make plans so you feel more prepared. You don't have to change your life completely and it is possible to have a career and a child, as well as have lots of other fun that you never thought possible. Life changes, but imo for the better. It's totally normal to feel the way you do.

Mermaid36 Mon 21-Mar-16 19:54:39

Very similar here! Been with DH for 17 years and never even discussed children until last year...decided to come off the pill and see what happened...

Total life turnaround for me. The last three years have been me and DH doing what we want. I run a business from home as well as working full time, I'm a plus size vintage model during the summer and spend most of my weeknights either kickboxing or open water swimming in the Lakes...

Or I did do all that....I'm currently 22+4 with identical twin girls....There is no more kickboxing or open water swimming, and I'm struggling to manage my sitting down office job...

I've had to make a conscious decision to be an awesome, interesting mum, instead of just am awesome, interesting person. Whilst I might not be able to return to what I love doing for a while, I hope to find other things that I love instead.

Also, don't worry - it took me a while to feel connected to my bump, but now I've got wiggles and movement it's a lot easier to feel more "mum" about stuff...

Plateofcrumbs Mon 21-Mar-16 20:18:18

Been here, got the t-shirt!

We stopped using contraception because I thought I would live to regret it if we didn't have kids but I really couldn't imagine actually having kids. When I found out I was pregnant my first thought was 'fuck!', then I cried a bit, then thought about how long it would be until I could next have a cocktail, then thought about the exciting work projects I would miss on maternity leave.

I did start to embrace the idea a bit as time went on and bonded a bit with the bump although matters weren't helped by a challenging high-risk pregnancy. I was still half in denial, half petrified by my due date.

You know the story by now - DS (nearly 2 now) is the best thing to ever happen to me. I remember thinking when he was about 12 weeks old that I would happily swap every holiday I had ever been on to relive those 12 weeks again. God the newborn phase is tough at times but you are just not prepared for how absolutely overwhelming the love is, or how much your mind is blown by having created a tiny person.

I was never at all fussed by babies - now I can be moved to tears by a bloody Pampers advert.

I am back at work now (4 very full days a week), have got back into sports and social life, the balance is pretty good most of the time. We have no family support locally but have a brilliant childminder. I expect the juggle will get harder in some ways once we hit school age but at the moment it is really fine.

I read loads of stories like this when I was pregnant and was convinced I'd be different, wouldn't bond with my baby, would hate motherhood. Turns out I was wrong!

LittleLionMansMummy Mon 21-Mar-16 20:46:07

Just to add don't worry if you don't feel a 'rush of love' when the baby is born either. I mean, I'd have done anything to keep ds healthy and safe as a newborn, but it takes time to get to know each other, to fall in love. But now it feels like I've known him all my life and I'm worried I won't love another child as much as I love ds!

SammyAnny Tue 22-Mar-16 10:11:44

Hi! I'm new to all of this.. Only 6weeks pregnant too, 24 and a little nervous, first child..
This website/network seems really useful and welcoming, but when having a read, I'm confused with all the short word things, like PND and DDs. Can someone give me the low down on the short hand lettering and what they mean please smilesmile love Sam xxx

FellOutOfBedTwice Tue 22-Mar-16 10:23:51

Hi OP. I'm younger than you but have very similar feelings about babies. Then I had DD and thought she was great! I never loved her before she was born but it's true- totally loved her the second she was. It's great having her around and she's changed our lives for the better. I know lots of people talk about immediately loving the "life inside of them" but it wasn't like that even a bit for me. I'm pregnant again now and feel exactly the same. I'm sure you'll have a lightbulb moment as soon as the baby comes. They really do change your life for the better.

InFrance2014 Tue 22-Mar-16 10:35:06


Just a POV from someone who got pregnant in similar circumstances (32, thinking gotta do this or forget it), being abroad, so no local family support. My Dc1 is just 2.

Yes our lives are really different now, there is undoubtedly far less ability to be spontaneous and self-indulgent e.g. just pop out to the coast for the day, spend hours gaming on xbox, go travelling to remote places.
BUT after the initial feeling of chaos during newborn weeks, you do find a routine, and eventually you get some of your evening time back, you get used to the new travel limits and work within that (having said that, for work reasons we took DC1 to three countries including USA before she was 1, and we survived!).
It's been hard with no local family, I work and my husband is SAHD, but we've managed to balance it reasonably well. Biggest difficulty has been learning to not let sleep deprivation make us snappy towards each other.

For us while it has been unimaginably tiring overall, and we do argue more than we used to (which was very rarely), this has also been our biggest adventure TOGETHER by far. Giving birth felt like I'd done a mountaineering route along with DH as he was a fabulous birth partner, and since then watching our baby grow into a little person we are so proud of has been incredibly rewarding to share, and provided endless topics of conversation smile (as well as some parenting disagreements hmm )

Also, now we are 'out the other end' of the first two years, it can't have been that bad, as I'm about 4 weeks away from welcoming number 2 into our family grin
Life will likely never be the same as it was, even in a few years time, but that's the reason we chose to do this, we felt it was time for something else, and we are happy we went for it.
Good luck!

Indiana77 Tue 22-Mar-16 17:15:11

Thank you again so much people. Really has made a difference to how I feel.
I was wondering if you could share any thoughts on how you think having a kid changes your relationship with your partner? That is something I have been a little worried about, maybe because my relationships have always been heavily leaning on the mutual attraction and chemistry. The current one is so much more though, and I don't think I would have got myself pregnant if it wasn't with him. I think he will be a brilliant dad but I do have to admit I am concerned that we'll become just the parents (esp. because we will have very little outside help) and stop having a romantic relationship with each other. How did you people deal with these things? I wonder why it happens to some people whilst others seem to make it work and continue to feel the spark for each other...Obviously I know you can't have spark all the time but there's no denying that is an important aspect of a relationship...

Thanks again everyone. I am so grateful you exist, it really started to p* me off there didn't seem to be any articles online about feeling conflicted about these things, everything that's written about motherhood seems so fluffy and pink and sugary that it makes me a bit sick and disconnected. The grumpy bitch that I am.

underrugsswept Tue 22-Mar-16 18:28:27

I think you have less time for each other and a different focus - we put DS first and a lot of our leisure time revolves around him - going to the park, taking him swimming etc. We do still have the odd date night which are more of a treat now they're so rare! However, you also have this amazing shared interest/love that no one else quite understands which is something that binds you together.

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