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When is it 'OK' for DH to go out on the lash after baby?

40 replies

TheWrongAlice · 15/03/2016 19:07

So my DH asked last night how soon after the baby is born it is reasonable for him to go out with his mates. They do it three times a year. It's a tradition. Last time he went on one of these outings he was away from after work on the Friday until midnight Saturday.

He reckons 6 weeks after the baby is born is reasonable. I said given that he works 5 days a week and gets home late, he only has 2 days each week to spend with his family, I don't think he should do it all. He should go out for a dinner after work instead. But the 'tradition' starts with breakfast, and that's what he wants to do.

He says I'm being controlling.

I'm 8 months pregnant, exhausted and emotional, and I don't know which of us is being reasonable! Thoughts?

OP posts:

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3rdrockfromthesun · 15/03/2016 19:12

Tell him that you will answer that question when the baby is born and then don't ever bring the subject up

Miloarmadillo1 · 15/03/2016 19:12

I think he's completely unreasonable to expect his life to carry on unaltered once he is a father. You do need to negotiate that you both get some time off to do your own thing, once you feel that either of you can cope single handed. When that's appropriate will depend on how easy your baby is and how you are feeling postnatally. I don't think you can know that in advance. It's not unreasonable for him to have a night out with his mates, disappearing for 24hrs (and presumably hung over and useless the next day) not so much!

KayTee87 · 15/03/2016 19:15

Probably be an unpopular opinion however given that it's only 3 times a year I would say it's not unreasonable.
However this is with the caveat that you do something similar when you're able - spa night away ... :)

KayTee87 · 15/03/2016 19:18

Ps if you're worried about being home alone is there a close friend or relative that can stay with you and u can have a catch up at the same time?

Pinkheart5915 · 15/03/2016 19:20

If my husband had of wanted to go on something he done 3 times a year I wouldn't of minded.
However I would suggest you say you'll talk about it once the babies here as he doesn't know how being dad will change him yet (and it will change him) he may not even want to go once the time comes

TeaBelle · 15/03/2016 19:20

6 weeks old is more than acceptable. Dh went away for a week when dd was 6 days old - it was fine.

Sootica · 15/03/2016 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

murkylurker · 15/03/2016 19:25

I would think 6 weeks might be ok, but it totally depends on your situation and how you feel closer to the time. If you have family nearby maybe one of them could pop round for the evening to help out?

Is it possible for him to make the decision closer to the time so you can see how you feel?

HoggleHoggle · 15/03/2016 19:25

Can't you each compromise? He has the Friday night out but is back Saturday day for family time? I think going out on the piss for two nights and a whole day when you have baby is too much especially at a young age. But I do think he (and you) are entitled to a night out.

emmac3616 · 15/03/2016 19:29

I think the more appropriate question is how soon an you go out on the lash and leave him in sole charge.... That will frighten him! Plus it's true... You'll have had 9mths of abstention and other-ness, I bet he hasn't!

I agree though, if he only does it 3 times a year it's not unreasonable... Though he should probably curtail the length of his outing...

I think there's no right answer... Depends on how you're feeling and the nature of your relationship to be honest.

kittentits · 15/03/2016 19:30

Nobody can answer this question for you, it's about your personal boundaries. For me, I'd not want him going at 6 weeks. But others would be fine with it. It's nobody else's choice. Also, it's not really something that you can know until the baby is here. You might feel calm and in control and able to deal with it by then, you might be in the depths of newborn hell and need all the help you can get.

What concerns me though is that he seems to be challenging you over this. "I'm going out when baby is 6 weeks and that's final" rather than "oh this piss up thing that we do, next one would be 6 weeks after baby is born. Are you OK with me leaving?".

TurnOffTheTv · 15/03/2016 19:31

Is it your first? One night away at six weeks wouldn't bother me at all, but my husband works away so by my 3rd child he had to go back after two weeks and I had two others to get to school/nursery.

kittentits · 15/03/2016 19:32

Ok on rereading, he has actually asked, apologies for that. But what is he basing his 6 weeks on? Is this your first baby? Does he have any experience with babies or is he just pulling a figure out of thin air?

monkeyfacegrace · 15/03/2016 19:35

I'd love it if my husband buggered off when baby was new! I hate sharing babies. The first few weeks are the best, I love swanning around with the buggy, walking the dog, cuddling up on the sofa watching daytime tv while baby snoozes, long hot baths while baby sleeps in her bouncy chair....
In fact, I may suggest he wets he baby's head for a whole weekend next time!

I don't think your DH is unreasonable at all.

Duckdeamon · 15/03/2016 19:36

Assume this is DC1 and he is fearing "lost freedom" etc.

6 weeks after DC1 I felt physically and mentally terrible and was in pain and sleep deprived. Would not have been impressed if DH had buggered off on a weekend long boozefest.

6 weeks after DC2 I was out and about and feeling well.

Once DC is here make sure you get a fair amount of leisure time, whether that be going out, an activity or sleeping!

Is your H planning to take parental leave?

Flisspaps · 15/03/2016 19:37

It wouldn't bother me. I cried when DH returned to work after DD was born, but it's two days/one night (factoring in hangover) - life doesn't carry on exactly as before but it doesn't need to mean that everything outside the home grinds to a halt either. It's 3x a year, not 3x a week.

Artioo2 · 15/03/2016 19:37

I'd have no problem with DP doing this 6 weeks after the baby is born, but that's just a personal thing, I don't think there is any set time when it's automatically ok. If you're worried about it then he should put off arranging anything until after the baby arrives.

Duckdeamon · 15/03/2016 19:38

Oh, it's not on for him to accuse you of being "controlling" for expressing concern about his plans when you don't yet know how you (both but especially you as the one who'll give birth) and DC will be at 6 weeks. Your concerns are reasonable: he may disagree but it's manipulative and unfair of him to use that label to try to get his way.

Roseberrry · 15/03/2016 19:40

I think if it's only 3 times a year then that's more than reasonable. To be honest I'd even go as far to say that the first couple of weeks would be the best time to be left alone with a baby, they haven't found their voice yet and still sleep a lot during the day.

I think it's just one of those things you have to suck up and get on with. His friendships are obviously important to him and as long as there's no back story he doesn't sound very unreasonable.

Thatrabbittrickedme · 15/03/2016 19:41

I would say wait until the baby is here and you are settled before making any plans! He may not want to go out on the lash for 30 hours for quite some time, you may be entirely happy for him to go after a couple of weeks, you won't know until you're in the thick of it all.

Not appropriate for him to force a decision out of you now and then make you stick to it come what may...

Thatrabbittrickedme · 15/03/2016 19:43

Not sure I agree with this Rose "I think it's just one of those things you have to suck up and get on with. His friendships are obviously important to him"

No one is suggesting he shouldn't maintain friendships are they? Just that 30 hours on the booze (followed by at least a day of being utterly useless no doubt) might be a bit much if he's planning on supporting OP and being an engaged father

PotteringAlong · 15/03/2016 19:44

It's 3 times a year, not every weekend.

But I agree; he might want to go at 6 weeks, he might not. You too. My DH went on a stag do when our first was 4 weeks and it was fine; it wouldn't have been fine with our second.

Wait and see.

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Duckdeamon · 15/03/2016 19:46

If he's considerate he shouldn't commit to this until very close to the time as there is obvious high uncertainty about how OP and DC will be after a week, 2 and six weeks post-birth. He IS unreasonable because he's seeking to make OP feel bad for asking this of him.

TheWrongAlice · 15/03/2016 19:56

All of this is so useful - we will wait and see. Of course it will depend on how easy the baby is and how we both feel. He may not want to go. I think he is panicking at his loss of freedom. It's his first, my second. With my last one, the dad was out on the lash quickly and regularly, and I felt very alone. So a bit of me is responding to that. It took a lot of persuading for me to have another baby because of how lonely I felt last time... So I guess it seems like quite a mental question to put to me at this point, given the background. BUT I get that I might feel fine about it if we have an easy baby and I am coping well.

OP posts:

AThousandTears · 15/03/2016 20:13

Another vote for see how you feel.

I wouldn't have been OK after DS1, but DS2 is 2 weeks old and I'd be fine with DH going out now. They're all different.

However I don't think I'd want him to be out for quite that long. It would annoy me greatly if he came back so hungover that he was then useless for another day! Life changes when a baby comes.

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