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Hard to admit but I'm hating this

(40 Posts)
Ipushedmygrannyaffabus Sun 13-Mar-16 00:06:42

I last posted on New Year's Eve having just found out I was pregnant naturally after 8 years of infertility. I should be over the moon, I,ve imagined this time in my head for such a long time. But I'm hating every second. I'm now almost 15 weeks pregnant and have felt permanently, constantly, nauseous for 9 weeks. Had one hospital admission when I couldn't actually keep water down but not thrown up since, just feel it. I,ve had 2 absences from work and if I have a 3rd I'll apparently be in a disciplinary but I just feel so awful. I,ve not bonded with the baby at all, I don't want to talk about it, think about it, anything. It IS a very risky pregnancy to my health and I could end up even needing a heart transplant at the end of it (but then again, I could be ok). I was so dismissive if the risks before I fell pregnant, so confident it would all be ok, and now I end every day in tears of pure fear. I found out recently they are going to deliver baby at 34 weeks - DP
Is worried about health impact for baby, I am just glad the hell of pregnancy will be over sooner. All I keep thinking is about what I won't be able to do once baby is here. I feel like I have ruined our lives. Yet I was heartbroken by my infertility, really devastated. This baby is a miracle, so why am I not happy and will this make me the worst mother in the world? I have 1 week keft to decide whether to continue with the oregnancy. I know I have to really but if it was just up to me I wouldn't - I feel THAT bad mentally and physically.
Does anyone understand or am I just an evil person?

lilwelshyrs Sun 13-Mar-16 00:14:15

I have no advice but didnt want to read and run.
You're not evil. Having a child is scary.
But once you've gotten through the pregnancy, will everything be OK health wise with you?
Wish I had something wise to say!
Hugs x

NerrSnerr Sun 13-Mar-16 00:16:39

I hated every day of my pregnancy. I was so ill. I now have a lovely toddler. Having a newborn was so much better than pregnancy, even though she needed feeding every 3 hours at least I could sleep in between. When pregnant I needed a wee every 30 minutes.

If you're off work for pregnancy related illness they can't discipline you can they? I'm not expert but think pregnancy related illness is exempt.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 13-Mar-16 00:19:27

Have you spoken to your GP/midwife about how you feel?

I think you can suffer from prenatal depression too. Please speak to a health professional.

Your work sound god awful. Can they discipline you for sickness? Cha you speak to your GP and be signed off for a bit so you can rest and recuperate?

You're not a horrible person at all, pregnancy hormones really have a crazy affect on mothers to be.

Do speak to your GP, I think it will help.

RJnomore1 Sun 13-Mar-16 00:20:46

They cannot discipline you for pregnancy related absence.it shouldn't be recorded on your sick leave record.

CointreauVersial Sun 13-Mar-16 00:20:57

15 weeks is pretty much when my morning sickness ended. Hang on in there; you'll start to feel better soon. Only you can say if the risks are worth it, but you've wanted this for so long.. ....

Dachshund Sun 13-Mar-16 00:21:34

Didn't want to read and say absolutely nothing.

My situation was different re: fertility but I had a rotten pregnancy, especially the first trimester and many times wished to end it. I also didn't 'bond' with my DD in any way, shape or form before she was born. I couldn't reconcile my feeling about a baby with the thing growing inside me. I even felt completely unmoved at both my scans!

Needless to say my DD is the best thing that ever happened, and now going through that pregnancy to get her seems worthwhile. She's only 3.5 months and most of it is forgotten.

Treat yourself kindly, if need be confide in someone at work about the absences and really don't worry if you're not glowing and all that shit, I never did! flowers

amysmummy12345 Sun 13-Mar-16 00:26:04

Agree with pp, you cannot be punished for pregnancy related sickness!! Contact the pregnancy sickness support line for further advice of necessary, they are also amazing at helping to arrange sickness medication if GPs etc are being awkward about it. Stop by the HG board on here, there's lots of lovely ladies going through similar experiences, I couldn't a have got through the worst without them...

23jumpstreet Sun 13-Mar-16 00:31:19

🌷it's worth it all in the end, with your lovely baby.

dats Sun 13-Mar-16 00:58:33

Oh my goodness, of course you're not evil! You poor love.

You have been feeling rubbish for weeks on end, with all sorts of hormonal surges which can completely skew any rational thought and perspective, plus you're embarking on the rollercoaster ride of having a baby - plus you have existing medical issues! No wonder you feel like shit!

It will pass, all of it. It won't feel like it, but it will. Hang in there, post on here for support, tell your work to shove their absence policy up their ignorant bums and be really kind to yourself. Growing another human is hard!
flowersstar

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus Sun 13-Mar-16 03:04:06

All your lovely messages have made me cry. Will post more tomorriw as I think work aren't actually allowed to treat me the way they have (not allowed time off for antenatal clinic - need to make the time up?) but I was expecting to be told I was completely selfish and didn't deserve this baby so thank you for being gentle with me.

icklekid Sun 13-Mar-16 03:12:11

I hate being pregnant too! I don't think women feel able to admit this but I don't do it well. I had sickness for 9 months last time and it's much worse this time (echo how amazing hg thread is!) I also had spd last time so was in a lot of pain with my hips which is likely to return (which I am dreading ).

As long as work know absence is pregnancy related they can not discipline you for it. Have you a hr manager or union you can speak to? To be honest I would probably go see my gp about being signed off because you need to take care of you and baby and work are being so unsupportive.

As for continuing the pregnancy if it wasn't so tough would you want the baby? I imagine after 8 years of trying the answer is yes. Think of the next 8 months as temporary and short term pain (nightmare!) for long term gain! Your life will be different yes but not over. You will go out again (babysitters are wonderful things!) You will still be able to go on holiday and in 18 years time will have a house to yourself again 😉 take care and talk to your oh/dp/dh to get through this together!

fortifiedwithtea Sun 13-Mar-16 03:40:27

Don't be hard on yourself. I needed clomid to conceive DD2 but hated being pregnant with her. I had extreme SPD and was wheelchair bound and had to spent the last 2 weeks in hospital before the birth. It was suggested did I have pre-natal depression but thankfully my DH stuck up for me and said it was down to me having a shitty time and I'd be fine after the birth. Luckily he was right and it was instant love when she arrived.

Don't feel you have to enjoy being pregnant. Furthermore, its ok not to enjoy the newborn stage, sleep deprivation isn't fun. All I can say is its worth it in the long run.

flowers

Champagneformyrealfriends Sun 13-Mar-16 05:51:16

You are not evil. I've hated a lot of my pregnancy and spent a lot of time thinking "what the hell have I done? My life is over!"

I read an article about the "my life is over" attitude that likened it ti feeling as if you are "dying"-the old you, that is. Change is scary and with your complications this will make it more so.

As for delivering at 34 weeks - I'm assuming they'll give you steroid injections for babies lungs to strengthen them and at 34 weeks there is more than a 99% chance of survival so tell your partner to stop worrying!

Speak to your midwife. Tell her how you feel. Tell her about work too-my mw wrote a letter for a friend of mine whose employee was acting illegally.

Please please please know you're not alone. My second trimester I was basically just a massive ball of anxiety and paranoia-it was horrendous but I luckily started to feel better-I wish I'd asked for help though.

Champagneformyrealfriends Sun 13-Mar-16 05:53:30

www.gov.uk/working-when-pregnant-your-rights

For if you're in the U.K.

whiteychappers Sun 13-Mar-16 07:33:27

You posted this just at the right time for me, I keep having similar thoughts about how I'm coping with all the pregnancy symptoms. Its a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I try to think of the end point but when your feeling like death warmed up all the time its tough. I'm convinced majoritu of women feel this way at some point, its just not talked about x

Junosmum Sun 13-Mar-16 07:41:19

You are not alone. I had a fairly straightforward pregnancy but hated it for various reasons. Totally worth it now my little squish is in my arms but it is so hard to imagine the baby and life after pregnancy when you are in the fog of it.

And as others have said, work can't treat you as they are (assuming they know you are pregnant) go armed with the law.

OhShutUpThomas Sun 13-Mar-16 07:47:02

However much you want a baby, morning sickness, even 'just' nausea, is fucking HORRIBLE. It truly is.

Have you tried any medications?

anotherbusymum14 Sun 13-Mar-16 07:51:31

Pregnancy is not always easy but it's worth it. Get some more support to help you work through some of this. Any non pregnant person feeling sick all the time and having work issues would feel depressed, but you're pregnant and have lots of hormones and genuine health concerns! Go easy on yourself as its very normal to struggle with all of this. You can get help though and get through this - here flowers All the best.

CountessOfStrathearn Sun 13-Mar-16 07:55:14

It is really common for women who have struggled to get pregnant to get antenatal or postnatal depression. You think you are supposed to be utterly delighted and joyous at the fact you are now pregnant (and will be in part) but also the vomiting, the sore legs, the worry of "oh my goodness, I'm going to have to look after a real life baby, life is going to change massively" is real and if anything, some women feel more guilty (when they shouldn't) about those, very normal and understandable, feelings and then feel worse because they should feel so lucky and so happy.

I've had some losses and some difficult pregnancies. I am always very happy to be pregnant, but I just hate the being pregnant!

(And 34 weeks, while it is early, is only 3 weeks before we'd all consider fine at 37 weeks. Your baby will be in really good hands and a planned delivery then will allow lots of careful planning of care, compared to the rush of an emergency delivery, so everything will be on the baby's side.)

Sunnydays321 Sun 13-Mar-16 07:58:24

OP, I was trying to secretly peruse the pregnancy boards.. I'm not pregnant, ttc and was just bored that no one was up and posting on the conception board!! smilebut I couldn't just read and run.

Please please don't feel guilty. You sound like you are having such a difficult time. I am a community midwife and I can promise you I see lots of women who truly hate being pregnant, for various reasons. It can be a really scary time. You sound like you have complex health issues so it's completely normal that you would fear for your own health and wellbeing. Emotionally it's a very complicated thing, compromising your health to have a baby, even a very wanted baby. The sickness alone is enough to make you utterly, understandably miserable. I have known women terminate for hyperemisis. Like I say Iv not been pregnant but I'm sure we have all been in the throes of a dreadful bug and bargained with anyone...God, (I'm not religious) the devil, the postman, that we would do anything if they took it away! And that's only for 1 day, I can genuinely not imagine how dreadful it would be to feel/be sick for 3 months. Have you got antiemetics (anti sickness meds) from your GP. If you try some and they don't work go back, there will be something that works.

It's actually very common that women who have had infertility go on to have antenatal or postnatal depression.. (I'm not saying you've got it, just explaining) when You have spent years thinking about this, wanting it, trying to make it happen There is a lot of pressure for it to be perfect and for you to look like you are happy.

It's absolutely your decision about termination, but I would urge you to speak to a professional before making any decisions. Many trusts have perinatal mental health teams, or specialist pregnancy/termination councillors. Speak to your midwife, she will have heard it before and know how to help you. But you also need to be feel physically better to have a clear rational head to make those decisions, book your self a GP appt for tomorrow, even if you have to tell them you need an emergency appt. I imagine that if you have tried for 8 years this baby is wanted, and you wanted to be a family.. Have you spoken to your partner about this? How would you feel if you had a termination, would you always want a baby?

Don't put up with any rubbish from work, that is absolutely illegal. Speak to citizens advice, hr, anyone you need to but they can't do that to you. All the info is on the government website.

And as previous poster said baby would be fine at 34 weeks with steroids.

Please speak to someone, and don't feel guilty. Look after yourself. Xx

FreiasBathtub Sun 13-Mar-16 08:03:20

Oh OP that sounds awful. In what other situation would something hospitalise you and you're not supposed to feel a bit confused about it? I had a textbook pregnancy which I really enjoyed but still didn't feel bonded with my baby until quite a few weeks after she was born. It's very normal. I think perhaps sometimes people think about how much they love their children when they're older and sort of work backwards.

You may find that your feelings change once you have more of a bump or less morning sickness or the baby starts to move - but then again, you may not. I think both are completely normal. For reassurance, you might want to talk to your midwife about postnatal mental health care - probably you won't need it but if you're anything like me it is comforting to have backup plans.

Also, your work are definitely behaving illegally. Do they have form for this or might it just be that they don't know the rules?

Tonnes of luck and well done for thinking about and owning your feelings, even though they are scary. That's such an important thing to teach a child, your baby is lucky to have you as a mum.

MrsJayy Sun 13-Mar-16 08:11:21

You poor thing I hated being pregnant I didnt bloom or whatever i was ill throughout you are not evil you are so early on that you might not see anything to bond with yet but as pp said please speak to your midwife as soon as possible about how you are feeling and your work

seven201 Sun 13-Mar-16 08:13:23

You poor thing. Definitely speak to you gp or midwife as you might have prenatal depression. Don't feel bad about not feeling happy all the time, pregnancy can be blooming hard!. I went through a phase of waking in he night for a wee (I have kidney problems which doesn't go well with pregnancy for me and sometimes I go 8 times in one night) and muttering 'bloody baby' on my way to the loo then feeling incredibly guilty. Not the same I know, but I think we all have moments where we think 'what have I done?'.

Assuming your work are in the uk and know you're pregnant they simply can't treat you like that!

Is your partner being supportive? Does he know how bad your feeling mentally and physically?

Igottastartthinkingbee Sun 13-Mar-16 08:21:34

Pregnancy can be absolutely rubbish. I had no idea how bad it could make you feel and didn't get anywhere near the 'bloom' that some women experience. Your body has to work so hard in pregnancy it's no wonder it makes you feel like crap physically and emotionally. As for delivery at 34 weeks, if that's what's safest for you both then so be it. 34 weeks is a really good gestation (I had DS delivered at 31 weeks and you'd never know 3.5yrs on). You will bond with the baby but don't expect it to happen straight away, it didn't with me. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. X

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