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Family Expectations(22 Posts)
This is probably a bit more of an AIBU but I thought I'd post here because it's mainly related to pregnancy (possibly pregnancy hormones)
I'm 41+1 today. Two sweeps down and nothing yet. I'm the first in my immediate family to have a baby. It will be the first grandchild on both sides. DP and I both have sisters very excited to be aunties and both soon to be grandmothers are over the moon.
However, I'm finding the weight of their expectation suffocating. My DM in particular has expectations of being at the hospital and has packed a hospital bag! She isn't my birth partner. She wants to hang around in the waiting area. My DP's sisters are so excited that they want live updates on the birth as it happens. My sister expects us to continually update her as the birth goes on too and to text her the moment I am in labour. They all expect to be round the bedside ASAP after delivery to be the 'first' to meet her.
But, I have big anxiety about the birth. I want somewhere dark, just with my partner and to announce the birth when the baby is safely delivered. There is a family history of still birth and I am petrified of things going wrong at this stage. I also don't want the hassle of keeping 20 people updated at every stage of the birth.
This is apparently a massive disappointment to both families and I have been made to feel awful about the choices I have made about the birth. My sister and my mum in particular have been very direct about how disappointed they are with me. It is very upsetting.
What do I do? Am I over-reacting and do I just give in and give people what they want? Or do I stick to my guns and tell them to accept my choices? I don't want to create any bad feelings around the birth of my first child.
Stick to your guns and don't text them when you're on labour. They're being unreasonable, not out of badness, but stI'll unfair on you.
Don't tell them when you go in to labour. Tell them once baby is safely here and you feel up to it.
Get your partner to manage ALL visitors, including relatives. If you aren't up to it, a firm 'NO' will be needed.
Labour is about you and baby. No one else. It can be incredibly stressful if you are already anxious and feeling like you have to keep other updated makes it worse. You want to be as relaxed as possible.
I gave birth 9 weeks ago - we told no one until I was on the post natal ward and told people not to visit. People were disappointed but soon got over it - I felt horrendous post birth (severely anemic). All visitors made their own tea and coffe and I didn't get up (except to pee or tend to baby) when they were here. Be selfish, you'll never get the time back.
Oh and first gc for our families too.
Absolutely stick to your guns. Do not tell them anything until baby is here. This is your experience, not theirs.
In preparation, start being a bit slower than usual to reply to texts and/or miss a few calls, so they learn a delayed response doesn't automatically mean you are in labour.
Good luck! X
YANBU. They are being amazingly pushy and selfish. It's well meaning - they are excited to meet their new relative - but it's not about them.
Regardless of what your family think, you should do what makes you feel comfortable.
When its time for you to give birth its all about you and the safe arrival of your baby, if that means upsetting family members then so be it.
I gave birth to my daughter back in November and just like you the only person I wanted with me was my partner and that is how it was.
Try not to let the feelings and opinions of your family upset you and focus on the positives.
Tell them to fuck the fuck off. (maybe more politely)
As PP's have said, this is your labour and not theirs.
Don't tell anyone when you go to hospital, start not replying to texts and not answering calls now so they don't get suspicious.
Tell your partner that you need them to stand up to both families on this and when you get in to hospital tell the midwives no visitors. They are tough and will kick people out.
If they keep being upset ask them why they haven't asked what you want. Its your first baby and you want you and your partner to bond as a family. Ask them why they want to take that away from you.
Good luck with your birth and congratulations on your pregnancy
They will get over their 'disappointment', you only get one chance to give birth to this baby. They're being massively unreasonable, do whatever you need to do to make things ok for you, DH & baby
Turn your phone off when in labour. I doubt you'll feel like making updates!
And make sure your Dh knows the score because if he tells one family member, I've a feeling they'll all show up..
Good luck. It's natural to feel anxious about the birth
Thanks all. It really helps to hear that I'm not being unreasonable about this. After speaking to my adam last night I felt very much like I was the one in the wrong. She thinks I'm trying to orchestrate things too much and should just let things happen I.e- let her turn up and do whatever she wants.
I'm going to take the advice about not responding to texts. Might be a bit tough not to tell them I'm in labour as I'm booked in for induction on Mon and have already told them. Will just have to get DP to fend off any interested parties!
Ah! If you're booked for an induction on say Tuesday can you tell them it's been changed to Thursday? I know a few people that did that and it gave them a bit of peace and quiet
Inductions are usually quite long and drawn out with not much happening at first, so they'll all be bored rigid!
Good luck, your nerves may even start spontaneous labour
Absolutely stick to your guns.
You are not being unreasonable, and remember it's your birth everybody else can wait until the little one is here.
Good luck, and it's natural to be nervous
Don't tell them! Surely it's more worrying to know you're in labour and waiting for news?
I went into labour at 9pm, had DS just past midnight and rang my mum in the morning. They forgot about not knowing once they saw the baby!
I would say to keep the peace yeah we will let you know then turn off phones til your ready then say baby is here we were far to busy to txt, maybe ask the midwife to explain to your mum that hanging about the waiting area is really not ideal and she won't be allowed in until visiting anyway. I do think that labour should be on your terms but I still like to make sure my family are as happy as they can be with the decisions I'm making.
That being said I said only mum's and dad's to visit first visit so I didn't have 12 ppl turn up, DPS dad never got over his girlfriend being banned they still don't speak to us over it, everyone else was slightly disappointed my sister especially but I gently explained my feelings and told them all I need there support in it. Do stick to your guns but in a non diva-ish way.
smallbee l like that idea. I might change the time a bit to get some peace. Like others have said- it comes from a good place. I love that the baby has so much family to love them. I think they've all just gotten a bit carried away.
It comes from a place of love, but they need to remember that this is your baby, not theirs. Although they are your family and you love them, you have your own little family unit with dp and baby, and they need to respect that. I think it's important to be understanding but clear with them about what you want now, or it will only become more difficult once your little one arrives.
I had people repeatedly ringing as I was pushing and it was v annoying, they should have just waited for us to contact them, plus mil getting annoyed at my DH that she only got a text and not regular updates by phone so she had a go at my DH who had his hands full and really didn't need that. It is great they care so much but they need to learn to respect your wishes for the birth and afterwards because you and your partner are the parents. I found the first couple of days brief visits were good but I really needed to just be with my baby and my dh in a bubble. There was a big sign up on the postnatal ward reminding visitors to give new mums\dads the space they need in the first few days - for various important reasons. You are not being unreasonable at all- they need to learn to accept some boundaries because you are the one giving birth and being a new mum so it should be all about you, anything you want you should get, it is true what they say about never getting this time back. Obviously you would like to see them but you don't want them hanging around the hospital and staying for too long, I think the idea of not telling them you are in labour is great, plus you could ask them to come half an hour before visiting time ends. The good thing is you could give birth anytime BTW 37 and 42 weeks so they aren't going to be able to guess. Congratulations!
...woops just saw you are 41 weeks, at least they are unlikely to spend the next week and a bit at the hospital
Make sure you tell the ward staff you don't want visitors incase someone tries to sneak in saying you asked for them.
You stick to your guns. Seriously. You absolutely must do as you wish.
My first labour all my family knew about and it was so much worse with everyone in the room WATCHING me contract.
My second labour I hid my partner wasn't even allowed to talk to me. It was amazing. My one even knew apart from the midwives, my partner and my first born. We let family know when we were good and ready.
It is YOUR baby. Not theirs.
Also consider, you're going to face a lot of pressure from them in the future, set the standard now and let them know that you are in charge and what you say goes
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