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Horror stories...

(26 Posts)
Jodie992 Thu 25-Feb-16 09:34:50

Sorry if I'm not posting in the right place (still haven't got the hang of this site yet) but I really just want to vent about how people find the need to tell you horror stories of pregnancy/labour/birth when they find out your expecting.

Also if anyone has any good come backs...

I'm 14 weeks with twins and since I've announced it to my family it's like everyone's mission to tell me how much of a horrible time I'm in for! At a party last Saturday a family friend decided to talk to me and my partner about a friend of hers who lost twins after they were born - my heart goes out to anyone who has experienced a loss at any stage however I can't believe that someone would think that is The right thing to talk about to me and my other half?!

I think I just needed to vent that before I lay into the next relative or friend that decides to tell me their story!

butterflylove16 Thu 25-Feb-16 09:46:10

I have no advice but I'm 23+3 weeks and get this all the time! I'm already nervous (this is my first), and it really doesn't help. I think sometimes people believe that they are helping to prepare you, of maybe they just don't think about what they're saying. Either way, I have promised myself I'll never do this to others. Also, although I may feel rude, I've decided that next tine someone says something like this I'll just politely say "I'm sorry, but could you not tell me this please?". I'm sure they'll realise they really aren't helping. Oh and congratulations smile

Everythinggettingbigger Thu 25-Feb-16 10:31:17

i had a pretty horrific labour and birth with my first DS and hes now 5 and still doesn't sleep through the night, but I am the one that has made the choice to do this again! currently 27+2 with DS2 and although im worried I would do it again (obviously or I wouldnt be pg again!)

Lots of people have bad labours etc but go on to have more children, so it really cant be that bad can it?!

I have had people telling me about people losing babies since ive been pregnant too, I don't know why people find the need to tell you it is rather unnecessary but as someone whos sister lost their daughter at 27 weeks while I was 20 weeks with my DS I do think I deal with it in a different way.

Just thought I would tell you a positive story instead.....

I have identical twin goddaughters, who turned 4 in August, born at 36 weeks and weighed a lovely 5lb 10 and 6lb 1 smile, both home within a week (granted one before the other but both are thriving). And their parents are trying for another!

if someone starts telling you a bad story just say do you really think the necessary to tell me while im pregnant? they will feel awful and probably haven't realised what they were doing! Like what butterfly said.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!! Twins how amazing grin

Sunshine511 Thu 25-Feb-16 10:54:57

I had similar experiences myself and it really is unnecessary of people to tell you all this but I really don't think they realise! I tried to use these sad stories in a positive way. When the pain of labour was quite intense, I remembered being told of a lady who had lost her baby 4 weeks from the end of her pregnancy and had to be induced to give birth. I used that to remind myself how, with every pain I experienced, I was extremely lucky that I would be meeting my (most likely) healthy baby at the end of it. It really did help me through and help me to "man up" so to speak. I still wish I hadn't been told so many horror stories but I suppose it's important to remember that everyone has a different experience! My labour had a few complications but my sister in law had the most smooth, straight forward labour you have could possibly imagine! Like a PP said, despite my personal experience, I'll be experiencing it all over again in May!! The fact we're doing it all over again speaks volumes! Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and an easy labour flowers x

Sophia1984 Thu 25-Feb-16 11:06:05

It covers this in my hypnobirthing book and suggests:

'stop the conversation politely, and firmly tell the storyteller you would prefer to catch up with her birthing story after you've had your own experience.'

seven201 Thu 25-Feb-16 11:13:31

The plumber who came to do our bathroom told me (within minutes of meeting me) that he only had one daughter as his wife had such a horrendous birth experience. I just don't know why people think it a good idea to share such stories with pregnant people.

I remember my old colleague announcing to our department that she did not want to hear anyone's bad birth experience and our other colleague launched straight into a long horrible story completely ignoring her request. It really baffles me!

Jodie992 Thu 25-Feb-16 11:26:37

Ha I think your all right and people must just not realise what they are doing!

I like the spin on making it into positives and counting yourself lucky to be having a healthy baby no matter how hard the labour and birth may be.

Congratulations to you all btw! Hopefully we'll all have lovely plain sailing births so we can share nice stories to those in the future! (Fingers crossed!) x

Agent160 Thu 25-Feb-16 12:56:39

I take comfort in the fact that these scary stories are being told - it means they're probably in the miniority, that's why the story is so 'interesting'.

If awful/scary births were commonplace, people wouldn't be so quick to tell the story - it would be usual. The fact that they are so dramatic suggests they're actually quite rare.

A straightforward birth with no pain and no problems isn't a great story to tell (unless you're talking to a pregnant woman - in which case it's probably exactly what she wants to hear!!) So those people don't think to tell their birth stories, even though they're probably in the majority.

It's the same logic as if you Google a medical symptom - the results will invariably lead to you thinking you're going to drop down dead in the next 30 seconds. Because those people who had that symptom and it turned out to be nothing rarely feel the need to go online and tell everyone they were fine.

That's the logic I'm sticking to anyway, at least until I've given birth!! grin

VivaHate Thu 25-Feb-16 13:00:15

Yep, a number of my colleagues have taken great glee at loudly sharing their "horrendous" birth experiences with me. They really seem to relish it, it's very bizarre.

SewSlapdash Thu 25-Feb-16 13:09:48

A firm "thanks, no offence but I'm not interested" should be enough (if repeated often enough). Who cares if they think you are being rude? They are rude for over sharing!

AnnaMarlowe Thu 25-Feb-16 13:13:19

You are absolutely right. They shouldn't do it. But wait until you have your babies, you'll do it too - everyone does. smile

I have twins btw. The labour was hard but fine. The babies were perfect. The first two years were exhausting but rewarding.

Twins are FAB. You'll be great (find a twins club and go join)

SoozeyHoozey Thu 25-Feb-16 13:16:25

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my second. Had a trouble free pregnancy with both, quick easy labour with my first, my first was also a fantastic sleeper and I fell pregnant really easily both times. Problem is if you tell people nice stories like mine, it sounds like you're bragging. I've had people almost wish a hard birth/baby who doesn't sleep on me as some sort of punishment for my experiences. I feel I have to apologise for all of it!

whiteychappers Thu 25-Feb-16 13:23:40

I think its just the "misery loves company" people like to make others feel bad when they've had a rough time, thinks its a bit of human nature. I just keep telling myself people wouldn't have multiple births if it was so bad and the population would have died out years ago.

Junosmum Thu 25-Feb-16 15:31:52

I wish people had told me horror stories. Instead, everyone told me it was fine, totally worth it, that I'd forget about the pain, that I'd be back to normal by my 6 week check. So I'm now 8 weeks post a horrific delivery feeling like a failure and a freak because I'm far from back to normal and telling anyone who will listen how awful it was. Hopefully you'll have a lovely, positive experience but not everyone does and you need to be prepared that you may not, but that is normal and fine too.

Seriouslyffs Thu 25-Feb-16 15:35:16

Anna not everyone does it! And only twats do it to pregnant women.
Jodie feel free to 'lay in' to the next person who does it.

greenlizard Thu 25-Feb-16 15:39:05

I had this with my last pregnancy which was also my first and I was shocked by the things people insist on telling me and then pat you on the arm and say unconvincingly "well I am sure it will be different for you dear". I wish I had been a bit more assertive with them as I learned to be later (when I read a book on hypno-birthing book - probably the same one as sophia - after which I used to say "don't say anything more - I only want to listen to positive stories thank you".

I had a really easy pregnancy (apart from morning sickness up to 14 weeks - wasn't quite so keen on that). I did yoga and swimming and felt great. The birth was by induction, forceps, and I had an episiotomy and you know what - it was absolutely fine smile. I healed well and my son is great.

AnnaMarlowe Thu 25-Feb-16 19:57:23

OK seriously not everyone does it but most people do (as demonstrated by the fact that every single pregnant woman from the beginning of time has heard similar stories) And I don't think it's necessarily because they are being 'twats'.

Many women find talking about their labour therapeutic, cathartic. Most people aren't interested about your birth story but pregnant women often do want to hear other people's experiences or at least ask the right triggering questions and therefore end up hearing rather more than they'd bargained for.

The other reason people do this is that they were shocked about how they felt (not necessarily physically but mentally or emotionally). A common reaction in new Mums is "why did no one tell me about xyz" and therefore they want to prepare their friends for the things they felt they didn't know or weren't warned about.

Of course they probably were warned but didn't hear it or believe it.

The truth is though that nothing can prepare you for parenthood. It's a bit like sex in that way - it doesn't matter how many books you've read or films you've watched the actual experience is incomparable and highly personal.

OP don't let anyone panic you. What will be will be.

And it cannot be over stated - twins are FAB.

You will never be prouder of any achievement in your whole life than surviving that first year. Mine are 8 now and incredible little people.

Champagneformyrealfriends Thu 25-Feb-16 20:21:35

Ignore them all. I've heard more "my friend had a stillbirth/miscarriage/horrible birth/4th degree tear" stories than I can stomach. One woman actually said to me the other day, "anybody who says labour isn't that bad is a FUCKING LIAR!" (exact words).

hmm I'll just go and un-impregnate myself then shall I?!

Cosmiccreepers203 Thu 25-Feb-16 21:14:36

I know where you're coming from. I'm 40 weeks and have spent the last few weeks stressing about movement because two very insensitive people, who I consider friends, decided to tell me about late terms still births they'd heard about. I don't think either of them actually realised what they'd done. I wish I'd been a bit more forceful at the time and told them how inappropriate it was. Neither of them have children so I don't think they were even remotely aware of the impact of what they'd said.
It has taken a lot of massages from my DP and relaxation sessions to help me chill out.

Cosmiccreepers203 Thu 25-Feb-16 21:21:51

I also think it's ok in these situations to tell someone to 'fuck the fuck off and then fuck off some more'. But that my be being tired/ hormonalgrin

almmummy Thu 25-Feb-16 21:25:35

I had a lovely afterthoughts meeting with a midwife yesterday regarding my first labour as I'm about to do it all again with the second. She was extremely reassuring about all they can do to rectify the most terrifying of situations, including a mum coming in pushing with the head out, baby with a blue face and the cord wrapped three times around the neck. All was fine and they went home a few hours later.

It made me feel so much better after a cord entanglement first baby (she was fine) and helped undo the damage from all the horror stories people 'helpfully' share.

People remember the bad stuff, the majority of babies are fine even when things do go wrong.

m33r Fri 26-Feb-16 07:42:25

What soozey said. I actually feel bad telling people about my easy pregnancy and my 3 hour 55 minute labour only two hours of which were 5cms or more dilated.

Saying that, I make up for it with the fact my LB was / is a shocking sleeper but I feel better telling people the latter rather the former as I don't want to 'show off' or make people feel bad if they've not had a spirit ice an experience

mellmumma Sun 28-Feb-16 09:24:20

When I told my sister in law I was pregnant she seemed to think the was the appropriate time to confess she had an abortion two years ago....

I think people just try and think of anything baby related to talk about, even if it is completely the opposite of what you want to hear!!!

3luckystars Sun 28-Feb-16 09:41:05

Anytime someone does this to me I say "well if that happened to her, then that lessens the chance of it happening to me. It couldn't really happen to both of us, could it?"
This really shuts people up!
I
also am gobsmacked at what people say to me during pregnancy. My friend rang me the other day to tell me her 2 colleagues lost babies at this point of their pregnancy. I just repeated my line above. I wouldn't mind but she just had a baby herself a few weeks ago, so you would think she would have some cop on.
This talk has happened on all of my pregnancies, people just don't think!!

I would never ever say anything to a pregnant woman except, "you look terrific!!"

Murphyslaw21 Sun 28-Feb-16 09:46:20

My labour was very bad. Me and hubby swore never again. But 9 months later we are trying again.

This time I'll know what to expect and won't be shunned by staff when I say something is wrong.

My one advice is stuck to your guns! You know if your not happy

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