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Booking app today and so nervous because of babies being by different dads

(12 Posts)
Lins2839 Sat 13-Feb-16 11:02:17

I posted yesterday in parenting my situation. I have a 16 month old son with my ex partner. We broke up several months after he was born as ex wanted me to relocate to Ireland and I didn't want too. He pays for his son and has contact via Skype but really about it unless he's down visiting family.

In summer I started seeing someone new and went on the pill as didn't plan on having babies with him anytime soon! Pill clearly failed us and I fell pregnant in October. It was never really anything serious but it was more than just sex. In the end it just fizzled out and we was long distance anyway, it wasn't working. Despite this still have a good friendship and get on. He assures me he will be there for baby although I'm not hopeful that he will Cary through with those promises as he's so far away.

It's obvious both children have different dads. Son is white with blonde hair and very blue eyes. This baby will be mixed race (half Jamaican) with brown eyes and brown hair I assume.

Obviously I'm going to have to tell the midwife that her father is black etc and give his name details at my booking appointment today. I had her with my previous pregnancy and she is very unfriendly and blunt. She will most likely ask the situation between me and new babies dad and if they have different fathers. I will have to be honest and say yes and that we are not together. She will then judge me, probably say something horrible and in addition, tell my hv.

I am only 20 so I understand people and not just her may judge me especially as Ive not got a partner. However I'm not on benefits, I have a job and I study at the same time, this babies dad also has a good career.

Am I over thinking too much? I'm a very anxious person and hate confrontation, I'm just really scared that she is going to get nasty about this too me. I've already had some comments from friends about the situation. I could understand if I was a bad mum and living off the state. I'm not, I make my own money and I believe I'm a good mum so I just don't see why me having babies is anyone else's business but my own, as long as they are well looked after.

snozzlemaid Sat 13-Feb-16 11:13:44

I would say she's not going to judge you at all. This is 2016 - it's hardly an unusual thing.
They're there to look after baby and you, not judge you and your situation.

SpecialStains Sat 13-Feb-16 11:13:59

Hey, congratulations on your second pregnancy. If its a wanted baby (which obviously it is) it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks! You'll be raising two children in a kind, tolerant household who will grow up to be lovely people!

With regards to midwife, can you cancel the appointment and ask to rebook with a different midwife. There's no need to see anyone you feel judged by.

Best wishes. flowers

NotSpeaking Sat 13-Feb-16 11:15:22

Who gives a crap what some insignificant person thinks. You never be ashamed of your kids. She's probably just an unfriendly person to everyone. And tbh, it's none of her business

KatyK1980 Sat 13-Feb-16 11:18:35

Your midwife needs to know certain details about your baby's father, such as medical history and ethnic origin, in order to assess if your baby is at a higher risk from certain inherited conditions. Other than that it should be of no concern to her if he is the father of your first child too. I am sure she won't make an issue out of it but if you feel she is being judgemental about your children having different fathers you should change midwives. This is a really common situation these days, many people have children by different partners and it doesn't affect your parenting skills!

Try not to worry and good luck flowers

Awrstickthekettleon Sat 13-Feb-16 11:20:29

Sod her, I wouldn't waste your time worrying about what she thinks; you are doing a great job and you don't need to justify yourself to her. If it's really bothering you I'm sure you can request a different midwife?

Congratulations on your pregnancy! thanks

Lj8893 Sat 13-Feb-16 11:21:17

A midwife won't judge. She will need to know ethnicity details, family history details etc etc for medical reasons. She may delve a little deeper into your relationships to make sure you are emotionally ok and well supported.

lynholmerpark Sat 13-Feb-16 11:22:52

I'd like to think your midwife won't judge you and you certainly don't need to disclose all the in's and out's of your relationships. She will though ask you about unborn baby's fathers details and his ethnicity as it will affect blood tests they will suggest you have (eg thalassemia/sickle cell trait is tested for in certain ethnicities). Her main concern will be your wellbeing and that of your family so I would say I think you are over-thinking things

However, if you do feel uncomfortable with her, contact the unit where she is based to book with another midwife.

sepa Sat 13-Feb-16 12:05:20

I would hope your not judged on it but if she does it's not your concern. Your concern is your current baby and the one your pregnant with.
I think that when you say stuff say it with confidence and not as if your expecting to be judged by it. Eg if she asks if your with the dad don't say 'I know it's bad but we have split up' say 'we are not together but things between us are really great' etc

BettyBi0 Sat 13-Feb-16 20:23:48

I don't think she'll judge you. And if she did you'd have every right to write to the supervisor of midwives at her hospital and tell them about any comments that made you feel uncomfortable.

Heirhelp Sun 14-Feb-16 02:49:40

When the time comes, is a good idea to let your HV know so she can offer you support as you will be a single parent to two young children. Your HV is a medical professional who is not going to judge you and your situation is not unique, she will have seen it many times before.

ParsnipSoup Sun 14-Feb-16 08:17:49

Try not to worry about it (easier said than done). She might judge you, but she shouldn't let it show or affect your care. Just remember that it doesn't matter what small minded individuals think, what matters is yours and your children's happiness.

I was super worried about being judged as I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant 4 months after splitting up with my husband. Midwife probably did judge me a bit inside her head but it hasn't changed my care and in the long run what she thinks doesn't matter.

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