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8 weeks and struggling; DH in denial

(9 Posts)
MrsBlimey Sat 16-Jan-16 16:16:58

Please can anyone send some warm thoughts and positive suggestions to help.

I'm 38, have 8 yo DD twins and a 14 yo SD, 8 wks preg, bump showing....and feeling very alone as DH is struggling to cope with the idea of more children and appears to be pretty much in denial about everything.

I've had a pretty bad few weeks with nausea, cramps, tiredness and general grottiness and the one person I really need at the moment to give me a hug and to talk to has shut down and doesn't seem able to cope.

We've tried talking but it ends up in stony silences or me in tears and him sitting there not saying anything or listing all the problems which could, his age - he's nearly 50 - effect on our other kids etc. It's not that I don't share those worries but at no point has he said anything positive at all about the whole thing or even helped when I've been sick etc. There's absolutely no way I will have an abortion.

We're both terrified atm and I don't blame him for how he's feeling but I could really do with a big hug. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I had to walk out of the house this afternoon to get away from it all.

Owllady Sat 16-Jan-16 16:22:21

Have you only just found out?
It takes ages to get your head round an unplanned pregnancy. Took me until well after mine was born confused my husband did the whole silent panic thing too! It's not unusual. It will be ok

Sunbeam1112 Sat 16-Jan-16 16:27:41

Was this a result of failed protection? I think he is overwhelmed of the situation given the amount of hildren currently in the house hold not to meantion age.

i think pregnancy affects men too not physically but mentally. Pressure to be there costs etc. Im sure he wull come round.

juneau Sat 16-Jan-16 16:35:41

Were you trying for a baby or was this an accident? If its the latter and given his age and the ages of your other DC I can understand his horror. I know its hard on you, but I think if I was with someone who wouldn't even consider terminating when I absolutely didn't want to go ahead I think it would take me a while to get my head around that.

I realise it takes two to tango, but adding a baby to a family with three DC who are already well out of the baby stage and actually not wanting another baby at all its not something you can just adjust to overnight. I'd be absolutely horrified to find myself pregnant again now and my youngest is only 4 and I'm much younger than your DH.

MrsBlimey Sat 16-Jan-16 16:39:49

Yes it was unplanned and we found out about three wks ago. I guess I've been able to get my head around it a little sooner (ish) as I've had the day to day reality and midnight wees. He's been away for a week for work and not seen how it's been for the last few days.

brookeberry Sat 16-Jan-16 16:50:38

Hi MrsBlimey I'm no expert but I would imagine this is quite a common first reaction to an unplanned pregnancy (which I would think a huge percentage are). As you've both been through it before, you know what a huge life-changer it is and this can cause such a shock to the system. I think with tim you and your DH will accept what's happening and then hopefully settle into the idea. It's not an uncommon reaction and I'm sure all will be well. smile

Owllady Sat 16-Jan-16 16:55:27

Honestly, if everything was okay between you before, it will be okay in the end smile mine was in Germany when I found out and he put the phone down on me! Then when he came home he didn't mention it at all. In fact he said he didn't think it was real. But he came to the scans and I think we were both in denial! That baby is eight now. His dad adores him grin as do I obviously
I'd just take one day at a time and really don't worry

sandy30 Sun 17-Jan-16 00:06:29

My DH was like this with my first pregnancy. It was planned but happened much faster than we expected. However, he was heartbroken when I miscarried. He now says he was in total shock. It will get bettera

juneau Sun 17-Jan-16 09:29:42

You also have pregnancy hormones coursing through your system, which are designed to make you feel okay about the pregnancy - he doesn't.

I dunno - I feel sorry for him actually. You're forcing him to accept this with no debate. He has no say at all on whether to become a father again at 50. He'll be 70 before this baby has even finished its education - that's terrifying. He'll have a teenager in his 60s. He was probably hoping for a peaceful retirement, but that's not going to happen now. He's going to parenting and paying out for a child until he's an old man. That's a really depressing prospect unless you've got lots of money and know you'll be able to manage comfortably.

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