help, massively panicking and feeling very down

[megamoz]

Am 32 weeks with my first (planned baby, very wanted). Excitement has now worn off a bit and is being replaced by fear and panic. I suffer from anxiety which doesn't help.

worries (sorry for essay):

• childbirth. terrified of everything: of pain, of drugs, of having a c section, of dying, of baby dying.
  
• then all the actual baby stuff. terrified of cot death, of not bonding with baby, of not loving baby, of being sleep deprived and awful, of being judged by others, of not being as good a mother as my cousin who has just has a baby and is described as a 'natural' by everyone in the family.
  
• there is a general opinion from people (anyone from random strangers to friends) that I am very young to be having a baby. I'm 25 and I look about ten years younger. So I worry I will be on the outsides of any 'mum groups' because they will all be older than me and think I am basically a kid. I live in London and everyone says in London most new mums are mid thirties.
  
• we are in the middle of buying a flat as our tenancy agreement on our flat ends in April. all going smoothly so far but the thought of moving house with a four week old baby (or thereabouts) is met with horror by everyone I speak to about it. have lots of family support and flat is only in a different part of London but means the friends I may make at my antenatal classes (which are going to be held where I currently live) will probably tail off once we move. I've looked into doing the nct classes near where we're moving to but they're fully booked.
  
• will my relationship go to pot? am terrified of that too even though have no reason to be, partner is very supportive and responsible.
  

does anyone else feel like this. there is no point in trying to seek help for my anxiety, I have tried everything over the years from CBT to exercise to psychotherapy to counselling to mindfulness to medication, and nothing works long term. worried I'm going to be a shitty mum.

[mellowyellow1]

Hi Megamoz

No advice really but feel exactly the same as you describe. I'm 27 weeks though so a bit behind you. Still haven't registered for ante-natal classes as I'm meant to be moving to a new area before the baby is due, which means I might have to change hospital at the last minute.

Scared of EVERYTHING and completely burying my head in the sand! I'm expecting the worst to be honest with all of it. Already my relationship has changed and can see it being very hard at least for the first year!

I'm not very good with newborns and wish I could give birth magically pain free to a slightly more interesting 9 month old!

Am consoling myself that, A) It might not be as bad as I think B) it will be spring/summer so things will generally seem 'brighter' and C) I will no longer be pregnant and uncomfortable

Also in London too and feel like it can be a lonely place sometimes considering it is so packed with people!

[JellyBaby26]

I think everyone feels like this at some point during pregnancy.

I felt it last time and I'm sure I'll feel it this time.

I can assure you though that whatever is thrown at you, you will learn to cope.

I was worried genuinely at one time that my heart would explode when giving birth, obviously it didn't. When it happens you just roll with it. If it's painful get pain relief, if you need a EMCS then that's what's got to happen.

As for bonding etc with your baby , you might not initially which any mothers don't but you will eventually and it will be fine!

I had a wonderful birth last time but then she spent 12 days in NICU and I was told she would die...she didn't but is incredibly disabled and I am dealing with it just fine and am pregnant again, so it can't be that bad!

[JellyBaby26]

You won't be a shitty mum either because you are already worried about it! A shitty mum wouldn't care at all.

Who cares if you look 15. You will learn to ignore people's looks and comments etc. that's just part of life!

[megamoz]

thank you for your answers. It's nice (well not nice, but you know) to see that other people have been through the same thing. Jelly, sorry to hear you had a tough time with your DD, you sound like you have dealt with it really well though

If I'm honest the age thing doesn't massively bother me at the moment, but I am a massive introvert and I know I'll find it hard to make mum friends.

mellow see I am quite happy with newborns (for now anyway!!!) it's small children that freak me out, I don't think I'll be great dealing with two or three year old, for instance...

[JE1234]

What part of London are you? I might be able to recommend some mum groups you might like. Being worried is completely natural, I'm a few weeks ahead and still driving myself crazy!

[CityMole]

It's normal to worry, but you will be fine! A lot of this stuff is outwith your control. Focus on what you can control. In terms of helping you cope with stress/ birth etc, have you looked into hypnobirthing or anything like that? Focus on breathing, and CALM.

On the house move, you know what- some people have to do (and have done) a hell of a lot worse! You're moving house I presume, not continent! It can be done. Take whatever help you can get with the move itself, and try to plan ahead and again, KEEP CALM. Your little baby won't care if you haven't quite managed to unpack your moving boxes in the optimum fashion, or if things are a bit topsy turvy at first. all that they care about or know is that they are cuddled fed and loved, which you KNOW you can do.

[Cinnamon2013]

I hear you. Pregnancy can be a really tough time if you have a tendency towards anxiety, and with the move etc it does sound like you have quite a lot on your plate.

Here are some things that helped me, both with first pregnancy and this one.

Pregnancy yoga - with a group that are the same every week. The talking part helped me most.

Mum friends - via nct and yoga. And on here. Remember people will WANT to be friends with you, and they don't have to be the kind of people you'd usually choose. I'm mid-30s and without wanting to sound like a weirdo I would've loved to meet you. I didn't just want to meet people my exact same age.

Counselling (forget whether it's going to 'fix' you long-term, you need to be strong for the next few months.)

Good luck. And chat on here as much as you want, obviously.