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told I couldnt have children, now 6 weeks pregnant and my partner doesnt want it

(83 Posts)
peepsxx Tue 05-Jan-16 17:25:13

Hey, I dont know if things like this are talked about here, but im breaking. Im 28 and so is my partner. Its a verynew relationship of only a year. We both unfortunately live with our parents, finance is not great due to him starting a new career, our lives are not great to bring a child into it. The problem is I have 2 blocked tubes, endometriosis and polycystic ovaries and was told this would never happen to me. I broke, mended and got to a point I was ok with this...its taken 8 years mind you! He is absolutely firm on he does not want this child...and there is only 1 decision and I would destroy his life if I go through with it! My family think its a miracle head is fried...could this be my only chance? Couldi work this out? And if his mind isnt changed how can I destroy someones life I love?

MaryEllen1 Tue 05-Jan-16 17:35:07

Sorry to hear you are going through this, what do you want to do? If you want to keep the baby and feel it's your only chance due to your circumstances don't let someone else talk you out of what you want. If you did have an abortion for your boyfriend would you end up resenting him and risk the relationship failing anyway?

peepsxx Tue 05-Jan-16 17:39:35

I get our circumstances arent great, but the over whelming feeling is it could be my only chance and I dont think I could abort. His reaction is the doctors must of been wrong etc...I even got out forward for ivf a few years back etc, but he just doesnt understand and just keeps saying its not right, im selfish and will destroy his life. Im not sure if I would resent him but I feel a little bitter at the moment because I feel hes taking away my choice the same as I felt when I was told I would never have this. Never thought id feel this the day I was told I was pregnant x

Annarose2014 Tue 05-Jan-16 17:39:48

Gotta say, I wouldn't have a termination just for a boyfriend if I had those issues. Not unless I actually never wanted kids myself which doesn't seem to be the case.

Pippa12 Tue 05-Jan-16 17:40:10

This is a tough one. If you want this baby and believe it is your only chance I would keep the baby. If you did abort I think you would resent your BF forever. It all depends on how you really feel about the pregnancy. Good luck flowers

SirChenjin Tue 05-Jan-16 17:41:56

What's more important to you now and in the future - your pregnancy and baby, or him? It's a really hard choice I know, but given what you'very gone through, this isn't about what he wants. I wonder if you could ever really forgive him if you had an abortion?

CatatonicSonic Tue 05-Jan-16 17:44:35

Dump him and have the baby. If you have a supportive family you will be fine. You might not have him involved but you'll have a baby and you'll find love again x

jorahmormont Tue 05-Jan-16 17:45:11

Keep the baby (if that's what you want), ditch him. You deserve better than a selfish man child who whines that you're destroying his life.

peepsxx Tue 05-Jan-16 17:46:03

I dont think I could, hes not even giving me a choice to talk about anything else, he just repeats himself at how selfish I would be to bring a child into our situation...maybe he is right....but I just cant go through an abortion or live my life knowing that was my only chance but how can I make a choice knowing I could destroy another persons life

Goingtobeawesome Tue 05-Jan-16 17:46:24

A man who says a baby would destroy his life is not a loving father.

If you want this baby, have it. He can not force you to have a termination. If you did have one and didn't live in blissful happiness for ever with him, and also if you were never able to conceive again, I can't help thinking you would be resentful.

In my head this relationship is over because he is trying to blackmail you.

It's 100% your decision but you must listen to to him when he talks rationally and not in a controlling manner. Then you make your decision.

I've often felt men are ignored and have a rough deal as they can't stop a woman terminating a pregnancy but unless the woman is willing to have the baby and the man have 100% responsibility, it has to be the woman's final say.

I think he will walk away whatever you do tbh.

Chippednailvarnish Tue 05-Jan-16 17:48:41

I think you already know what you want.

And children don't destroy lives, adults do that all by themselves.

Owllady Tue 05-Jan-16 17:49:00

You need to keep your baby. If you want a child and this could be your only chance, it's a no brainer!

Goingtobeawesome Tue 05-Jan-16 17:50:31

When he talks about being selfish tell him he is being selfish not listening to you and selfish for trying to bully and control you.

SeldomAthleticFC Tue 05-Jan-16 17:51:46

Assume that you will be a single mum and base your decision to terminate or not on that basis.

You won't ruin his life. Yes, he would have to pay maintenance for his child but he is free to choose whether he wants any more involvement in its life. He can carry on pretty much as before. You can't, so you need to be sure you want a baby.

It could be that he is just freaking out and will come round to the idea. It is probably a good idea to have a break from him while you make your mind up as it sounds as if he is being very unsympathetic. Also, it might do him good to have some space to think things through. Does he have anyone he can talk to?

P1nkP0ppy Tue 05-Jan-16 17:53:06

What an incredibly selfish git he is! It's all him and sod what you feel.
Having the baby won't destroy his life, he can do that on his own without blaming a defenceless baby!
He's utterly selfishly blackmailing you, tell him to grow up and get lost.

peepsxx Tue 05-Jan-16 17:53:09

Thank you all so much. Im so lost and just feel so alone. I feel disgusted that im even considering after what I've been through. Never in my life thought id be here...crazy situation that I feel like no matter what I decide I will hurt someone. And yeo...ive always been a firm believer that men have just as much right...but he isnt giving me much room. Maybe this is the pinnacle moment in our relationship...

sepa Tue 05-Jan-16 17:55:37

I think you need to take your OH out of the picture to make this decision. You need to decide if you want to keep the baby. From the sounds of it you have made your mind up.
If you want the baby and he doesn't is there anyway you could come to an agreement that he doesn't have to be in your child's life both in person and financially?
I personally think that if you abort you will resent your OH anyway and that the relationship would not last.

I'm assuming given that you were told that you couldn't have children that protection wasn't used? If this is the case then your OH always ran the risk (however small) that you would become pregnant so for him to say YOU and this baby will ruin his life is totally unfair as he played his part in no contraception

TattieHowkerz Tue 05-Jan-16 17:55:54

It sounds like it would be very hard for your relationship to progress from here. He is entitled to his feelings but the way he is approaching things is selfish and cruel. Make the decisions that are right for you.

peepsxx Tue 05-Jan-16 17:56:02

He does have people to talk too, but we come from very very different backgrounds! His friends as nice as they are have no grip on very well off, I asked him to speak to a female but they all agree with him and say im selfish..

Rivercam Tue 05-Jan-16 17:56:27

How would it destroy his life?

You know you want to keep the baby, it's evident from your post, so I would go ahead with the pregnancy. If he decides to walk, then you sound like you have a supportive family around you. Your opinion is as valid as his, so if you want to continue with the pregnancy, go ahead.

As others have said, I think you will resent him if you do abort.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Annarose2014 Tue 05-Jan-16 17:56:55

He has a right to not be a parent. And if you choose to leave his name off the birth cert, then he'll never have to be. That's your fair solution.

jorahmormont Tue 05-Jan-16 17:57:27

It's your body that would carry the pregnancy, you that would have to give birth, potentially breastfeed etc - the final decision is always the woman's, and rightly so. Do what you feel is right in your heart, not what he's bullying you into.

slugseatlettuce Tue 05-Jan-16 17:57:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rivercam Tue 05-Jan-16 17:58:46

Also, many women successfully bring up children without a man, so you should be fine.

peepsxx Tue 05-Jan-16 17:59:16

If he walked I really would ask for anything, I wouldn't hate him or anything, but he says in his head he would have no choice as he couldnt do that to a child but it would be me making him do it and not through his choice

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