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I feel like this is the end. Desperate for help. Severely depressed.

(44 Posts)
scaredmum2be Wed 30-Dec-15 05:15:33

28+4 weeks pregnant here. 22 years old in a solid long term relationship. Suffered with major anxiety/depression since 16 years old. Which brings me to today. I was just about managing until about a month ago when I did not sleep other than 2-4 hours each night for five nights in a row. Every night I got in to bed I had an urge to move my legs and it kept me up all night.

I have tried:
Raising my legs on pillows
Cold showers on legs
Bath before bed
I have had my iron levels checked which are fine
Tonic water
Trying to ignore it until they twitch

Nothing works. My sleep did improve for a bit other than the odd night here and their, trouble is once I fall asleep I am awake 1-2 hours later for the bloody toilet as baby is lying on my bladder despite not drinking 3 hours before bed, this can happen anywhere between 3-6 times a night. So then I have to go through the pain of falling asleep all over again. What makes it worse is I can not even watch TV or lie on the sofa because I get a horrible feeling in my legs. I can't relax. I have a fear of being at home, I fear getting into bed every night, I have a fear of sitting and lying down. That's why I'm not sure I have restless legs I think my anxiety is causing all these feelings in my legs as I am so scared. Please help me. I can't take anymore. I a, depressed, scared I'll never sleep again, I'm tired, I can't even watch TV I sit here all day and cry just staring at the wall. I'm scared and lonely. Today I've slept between 9-10. Then 11-12 then 12-1 then nothing since. Doctors say nothing they can do just to try natural remedies and get counselling. Nothing's working. I do plenty of walking each day now about three miles as I can't bear to be at home. I don't know where to turn and the only way out is to end my life. I feel like I am being tortured slowly. I can't tell doctors I'm sucikdal as their take baby away when she's born won't they but I can't do this anymore. Someone please help :'(
When I was at in laws for Christmas and sitting down my legs where not so bad as I was busy so I think it's all down to anxiety but I can't forget about it. I see my bed and get anxious. I have physical symptoms of exhaustion and I'm depleted.

Orange1969 Wed 30-Dec-15 05:30:24

Oh you poor thing - I occasionally suffer from restless leg syndrome and insomnia and it is hideous. Must be even worse when pregnant.

Can your midwife offer any suggestions?

BahHumbugs Wed 30-Dec-15 05:30:59

Can you go to a walk in surgery first thing & explain about your anxiety to them, they will help you,

Is there somewhere you can stay for a while, with friends or family, you need some support OP

IslaMann Wed 30-Dec-15 05:31:24

I'm lying here awake for the past hour. I'm 34+6, and for the past 12 weeks or so my sleep pattern has been: bed at 9 or 10pm as exhausted but unable to sleep until after midnight. Then awake after about 2 hrs for loo. Then awake again at 4ish but then can't get back off until 6:30 ish. Before I finished work that was it but now I can doze off again til around 9 most days. Also most days I have an afternoon nap but even if I don't it makes no difference to my night time pattern. The difference between me and you tho is that I don't have any MH issues. What I'm trying to say is that the sleep thing is normal in pregnancy, but it depends on your state of mind as to how you deal with it. Please speak to your mw as antenatal depression is a very real thing and she should be able to help. But right now you're not alone. I'm here x

Elllicam Wed 30-Dec-15 05:34:53

I think you need to talk to them about the anxiety. I hope you are ok. The restless legs I didn't get but I did get constant pins and needly hands and feet which drove me mad. Lack of sleep is awful.

scaredmum2be Wed 30-Dec-15 05:37:06

Thank you.
My midwife suggested cutting out caffeine which I have, good sleep hygiene etc which I have done. She said my body will just fall asleep when it needs sleep sad but I need sleep now. I've never coped well on little sleep before this I was a heavy 12 hours a night girl. Minumium of eight is what I need to survive the next day.
Doctors are useless to they just refer for counselling which I'm waiting for now and tell me my body will sleep. It don't feel like it.
My partner is great- bless him. His awake with me now whilst I basically cry on his shoulder but as I suffer anxiety I am scared something will happen to him and I'll be alone again sad. So exhausted. I feel for anyone going through this.

Ginny365 Wed 30-Dec-15 05:38:13

Ok, so to simplify vastly, your anxiety is causing you physical symptoms which are then snowballing into a whole host of other symptoms due to lack of sleep/subsequent exhaustion etc.
So the answer seems to be to treat your anxiety. You need to get counselling. I had anxiety after my DS was born (panic attacks etc) and I had CBT. I can honestly say not only did it help with my immediate anxiety (gradually stopped having panic attacks) but also long term helped with my confidence. If you don't feel able to organise it yourself then ask your partner or your parents or your in laws to help. Mental health services through the NHS are notoriously slow (but worth accessing) - if there is anyone who can help you financially or if you can do it yourself then it could be worth paying privately to be seen sooner.
Being pregnant is tough mentally and physically. So is looking after a newborn. You owe it to yourself and your baby to get help ASAP. Please, please talk to your partner, explain how you are feeling and let him help you. I really hope you will get support soon.

The Samaritans number is 116123 if you need to speak to someone now.

Ledkr Wed 30-Dec-15 05:39:21

Oh sweetheart that sounds dreadful.
You must find a sympathetic health professional today.
It sounds as if you have extreme restless legs and pregnancy insomnia which has led to you developing severe anxiety about getting it again.
Pregnancy can cause awful mental health symptoms.
You MUST tell your Dr that you are suicidal. Show them your post as it explains things nicely.
I am a sccial worked and can assure you that seeking help for depression/suicidal thoughts with most definitely NOT lead to your baby being removed.
Are you alone? Have you spoken to your partner?

scaredmum2be Wed 30-Dec-15 05:39:43

I also don't think I have restless legs. I think I have anxiety which causes muscle twitches/restless feelings as when I'm out and sitting down at work or at others houses my legs are fine.

scaredmum2be Wed 30-Dec-15 05:41:37

I'm not alone. I have my partner- his great but I know he finds it hard. He says he doesn't know what to do to help.
Thanks everyone

scaredmum2be Wed 30-Dec-15 05:43:50

Also just to say I would never hurt my self.
I just want my baby here and all this to be over.
I want my life back

HarlettOScara Wed 30-Dec-15 05:47:06

I had dreadful insomnia and restless legs throughout pregnancy. I worked full time up to 38 weeks and it was crippling trying to exist on just a couple of hours a night. I'm usually an 8 hours a night girl too. It was bad enough with just the insomnia, coupled with anxiety it must be utter hell.

The very small glimmer of hope is that the insomnia stopped the minute baby was born. I got more sleep per night with a newborn than I did while pregnant.

You do need to speak to someone urgently though and tell them about the anxiety you're feeling.

Ledkr Wed 30-Dec-15 05:55:01

Is it worth seeing a homeopath or suchlike?

scaredmum2be Wed 30-Dec-15 05:56:28

I work full time as well.
Just scared the restless legs will plague me for the rest of my life.
I will phone my gp surgery when they open at eight.
Scared to admit my thoughts though as I don't want them to think I can't look after my baby. But also scared of the damage my worrying Is doing to my baby

Fitzers Wed 30-Dec-15 06:00:35

Magnesium supplements sorted my restless legs (you should always check with a medical professional before taking re amount etc) but I agree that it sounds like much more is going on. Try and persue some treatment for anxiety as I think this would really benefit you.

throwingpebbles Wed 30-Dec-15 06:13:19

Don't be afraid to admit your thoughts. Ask to see a GP you know you can talk to.

I admitted to terrible depression before my baby was born and got support and then (for various reasons) ended up suicidal when she was 10 months old. I have had lots of support but still had a few further suicidal lows. Far from trying to take my baby away, the medical professionals have actually been a huge voice of support for me when my ex tried to say he should have custody.

So do seek the help you need and don't feel ashamed or afraid about asking for help

BearGrower Wed 30-Dec-15 06:18:09

Spatone (gentle iron supplement) sorted my restless legs within a week - I'm surprised no midwife has suggested an iron deficiency? Most common cause I believe in pregnancy. Can also make you feel AWFUL. Hope you are ok.

BearGrower Wed 30-Dec-15 06:19:27

Apologies! Just seen you have had your levels checked. Still might be worth trying - my levels were 'fine' but the spatone still worked.

bimandbam Wed 30-Dec-15 06:39:13

Restless legs is bloody awful! I had it.

The only thing that helped me was a combination of a pregnacare vitamin about an hour before bed, a banana and a glass of milk just as I went up. I read somewhere it could be iron, calcium or potassium defiency so covered all 3.

I promise it will stop the minute the baby is born though.

feelingdizzy Wed 30-Dec-15 06:43:40

I used to suffer really badly with restless legs,I found heat helped a hot water bottle or one of those warming cushions you put in a microwave.I also have an electric blanket which helps.
Really hope you feel better soon .

MyNameIsSuz Wed 30-Dec-15 07:00:20

Oh love, sorry you're feeling so much worse. Please tell someone how you're feeling - they're not going to take your baby away. You need to get help now so that you're in the right place to look after her when she's born. I think you're probably right that it's a mental thing rather than physical, and it's good that you recognise that as it means you know what help to push for. It sounds as though you don't feel up to making the appointment etc yourself, can you take your dp with you?

Only eight and a bit weeks until you're officially full term, less than sixty days, you can do this.

Sleeplessinnorthlondon Wed 30-Dec-15 07:06:07

Dear scared, I have been here and bought the tee shirt and can tell you two things with some authority: 1. Social services will not take away your baby. I went to a and e in the summer heavily pregnant saying was suicidial, was desperate for help and was almost sectioned and they didn't ever even consider removing the baby. I had one follow up appt from them before and one after birth to check if I was coping and even though at the first I clearly wasn't taking the baby was never ever discussed as like you I had a clearly supportive partner and really was never going to harm self or baby and didn't even approach the threshold for real intervention. I know because I wanted and tried to get it!!!! 2. You may be very surprised at how much better you feel when you've had the baby. I went from suicidal and beyond anxious for much of the pregnancy to elated after birth to now a sleep deprived but very calm happy steady state. It's not as understood as it should be widely in the NHS but discovered that some women have horrific hormonal reactions to pregnancy which make us feel this way but it doesn't last. I feel so so sorry for you but having been there want to tell you there is no reason at all not to be one hundred percent honest with your gp and in fact doing so is likely to be the only way you will get the help you need. Your post makes it clear you care very much about this baby and just need the help you deserve to get through the next patch. Can you make an emergency appt for today? Hardly been on mn since baby born as been so mad but will mark this thread to follow and pm me if you want as not going to leave you til we have a plan. You've been brave coming here for support, you've got the right attitude and the support of a partner and us, you are going to get help and you will be ok. Keep
Posting xxxxxx

BahHumbugs Wed 30-Dec-15 08:23:29

Could you make some sort of bed on lounge floor op, & see if a different room helps? I hope youbare feeling better,

Would you consider going on maternity leave a bit earlier, so at least you havnt got the thought of a full time week ahead of you x

scaredmum2be Wed 30-Dec-15 17:40:53

I have all the skills in my head to help myself but for some reason these last few weeks I am really struggling to put them into practice and I am at a loss as to what to do.
I have been suffering with my sleep recently. Abut 3/4 weeks ago I had five nights in a row where I got anywhere between 2-4 hours sleep a night. Before this I was a very heavy sleeper. I needed a min of 8 hours and most nights got between 9-12 hours sleep. It doesn't help that once I fall asleep I am up again within an hour or two needing the toilet as baby is putting pressure on bladder. I can wake anywhere between 3-6 hours a night for the toilet. I have been checked over (urine infection etc) and they have said it is a normal pregnancy thing. So then when I do wake up I panic that I will not fall back to sleep again and it is a never ending cycle.
I am also suffering with restless legs as well. I am 99 per cent sure this is caused by anxiety as ever since I have had those few nights where I could not sleep I have become fixated on my legs. It's an obsession and I am well aware it is. Every time I sit down I get a very specific feeling in my left calf like it should be moving. It doesn't move but I get very irritable and feel like someone is pulling on it until it twitches. The twitching was very bad last night I had a rough night about four hours sleep between 9pm-8am. It has got to the point that I am now scared to even sit down as I fear my legs will start playing up. I also fear bed time. For example as soon as it gets dark I know bed time is getting closer and I start to panic badly about it.

Now I have the tools in my head to help but my self but I am at a loss as I don't seem to able to use them effectively.
I will tell you some of the things I know. Worrying about whether my legs are caused by restless leg syndrome or anxiety is not helping me and won't make them better. I know this but I can not stop worrying about that even though I know that is all I can do.
Telling my self 'If I sleep that's great, if I don't then I don't my body will sleep eventually because it is made to' I know this! But saying it still does not stop me worrying.
If I can't sleep after what feels like 20-30 minutes try and get up and go to the toilet and read/colour etc. All I end up doing is crying/on my ipad which is not helping me.
I have cut out caffeine and limit sugar intake. I especially limit sugar in the evening. I don't know if this has made a difference or not.
Distraction during the day. I have bought my self puzzles, colouring books, knitting stuff etc. I have tried my damn hardest to use these too distract my self but it is not working. I still focus on how my damn legs feel.
I have taken up walking. Today I walked for two hours but the whole walk instead of enjoying it I just kept worrying about how my legs will feel when I sit back down again. Why can't my mind relax.
I keep telling my self one bad night last night does not equal tonight being bad but I can't just forget it even though I know I should.

I have a GP appointment tomorrow as I just can't help my self but any advice would be great. I have the skills their I just need something extra to help me and I am lost.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 30-Dec-15 17:48:28

Are you taking antidepressants? Because Sertraline is safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding - if your GP won't prescribe, ask to see someone else.

I too am starting to suffer at night - tossing and turning for 3 or 4 hours. I have restless legs but also itchy skin on my legs which I'm certain is related to leg hair regrowth. You have my sympathy, scared flowers

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