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Pregnancy

Telling people..

31 replies

Wombat87 · 26/12/2015 17:42

So we're around 8 weeks and for the obvious reasons we have decided not to tell anyone (including parents and family) until we are 12 weeks.

Is it so unreasonable that I don't want to tell anyone??? It's nice having this secret that just DP and I know. I want it to stay like this forever. Silly I know.

But anyway. I'm quite a private person, I won't be doing the whole FB announcement thing, mainly because it's just not my thing tbh. It sounds weird but I'm kinda freaked out about telling my parents. I don't want the whole bump touching (in the future) constant baby chat. It inevitable I know. My family is close in their own weird way, but we aren't best friends kind of stuff. In an ideal world we'd have been 12 weeks at Xmas and I could have done a Christmas Card each with the scan on and labelled it "to auntie, grandma and grandpa, nanny" etc as we had them all for Xmas day and it would have been all the birds needing to be told with one stone and the excitement of Christmas Day would have meant the focus wasn't solely on me.

DP's mum is over in 3 weeks before heading home to a different country where we won't see her for 11months. Understandably he wants to tell her before she goes, but once that's happened I will have to tell mine and I'm petrified of doing so!! It won't be unhappy news for them. It's just me being weird.

Anyone got any ideas other than blurting it out? It must sound ridiculous to be struggling with such a thing, but you can't help who you are. This wasn't a planned pregnancy at all.

Hope everyone's had a great Christmas!

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Junosmum · 26/12/2015 18:00

When I found out I went from hardly being able to contain my news to not wanting anyone to know, even after my 12 week scan. Just felt so personal. We did tell people but I was never comfortable with it. It's obvious now though!

Wombat87 · 26/12/2015 18:09

Juno this is exactly how I feel. Was it weird saying the words to your parents? It's going to have to be a phone call I think. I don't think I can do it face to face.

I'm concerned that MIL thinks we'll have left it this late to tell her so she can't change her flights. Totally not the reason, but that idea isn't helping. I've got an early scan next week. Im hoping that they redate me and push me back (they use the LMP to date, but I know when we did it and I know when t would have happened). I think im actually around. 6 weeks. If I'm pushed back by 2 weeks I'll only be 9 weeks when she goes. that's too early to be telling for my liking God forbid something goes wrong ....

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Ragwort · 26/12/2015 18:11

I hated telling people as well, I had always stated I would never, ever have a child and then to have a bit of a 'surprise' pregnancy at 42 was, to be totally honest, a bit embarrassing, I preferred to tell people over the phone.

Wombat87 · 26/12/2015 18:19

Oh thank god I'm not the only one. Everyone I know has loved telling people. I feel so strange to feel this way!!

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FourForYouGlenCoco · 26/12/2015 18:32

I am currently 9 weeks and didn't even tell DH til I was 7 weeks! Slightly different situation though in that I have had 2 MC before this pregnancy and I am so fed up of un-telling people, plus I was so convinced something would go wrong this time that I just couldn't talk about it. I only told DH once I'd had a good early scan. He told his mum, I told my mum & close friends on Xmas eve because I had to (long story!) but I still don't want to talk about it. It won't be going on fb, it won't be general knowledge, it will be kept as quiet as possible for as long as possible. I just can't be doing with all the hassle and people going on and on and on about it when I just want to keep it quiet and calm!

Ragwort · 26/12/2015 19:47

I found that some people just like to talk non stop about their pregnancy and whilst I don't want to be unkind about other people, for me it wasn't a 'special time', I hated discussing the pregnancy and baby. I found it hard that a few (thankfully not many) friends wanted to focus on the baby etc rather than me as the person they had always known IYSWIM. However, I have a friend who must have announced her pregnancy the day after conception and has talked about nothing else for the whole nine months, we know the baby's name, everytime it moves, the christening date etc etc (and it is not even born yet).

Eminado · 26/12/2015 19:50

"However, I have a friend who must have announced her pregnancy the day after conception"

seven201 · 26/12/2015 19:52

I enjoyed telling my immediate family and very close friends but everyone else I just found awkward. Work was the worst! I've never understood the whole announcing on Facebook thing. I don't really know why I don't like it but it just doesn't sit well with me. After I had bleeding at 6 weeks we had an early scan and when the sonographer found the heart beat my husband for some reason blurted out 'we must put it on facebook' and I think the sonographer thought he was serious. It was another awkward moment. I don't think you should feel bad about not enjoying telling people.

Junosmum · 26/12/2015 20:50

I didn't even enjoy telling my parents! The only person I enjoyed telling was OHs grand, she was dying and they were my last words to her. I felt nervous and embarrassed, but I always hate discussing anything medical/ bodily with people.

Wombat87 · 26/12/2015 22:29

You've made me feel a bit more normal. Thank you all. DP thankfully knows how 'secretive and weird' I am (as he calls me). I suppose it will come out on FB at some point - there'll be a massive picture of me being massive I suppose at some point. But I guess that's different to doing the 'we're pregnant' shit.

It's making me really anxious about it all to be honest. I dunno. I find a new milestone every time I think of it. 12 weeks for safety. 20 for the all is fine development bit. I think it's just that. I don't want to tell anyone about personal parts of my personal body. And DP has another thing coming if the dates get put back and I'm only 9 weeks when MIL is due to leave.... It's just not happening

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Junosmum · 26/12/2015 22:33

The first Facebook knew of my pregnancy was photos of my works leaving do at 35weeks!

NorthernChinchilla · 26/12/2015 22:49

First time round I mumbled it to people individually at work and felt hideously embarrassed. Second time round I just showed people scan pics, but everyone knew I'd been through a grim MMC a few months earlier so it was happier somehow.
Family got face to face or phone call, but it was mainly texts.
Announcements of any sort make me

Highlove · 26/12/2015 22:54

I'm totally with you - glad to know I'm not the only one! I hated telling people with my first, even though it was after years of trying. I just can't bear talking about personal stuff, plus had this ridiculous thing about tempting fate but telling others. I'm only seven weeks with this one and had loads of bleeding so am not feeling at all confident...the thought of telling people anytime soon leaves me cold.

I hate the FB thing - would be a cold day in hell before I put a picture of my womb on FB for the world to see

Stepawayfromthezebras · 26/12/2015 22:57

We didn't tell anyone till 12 weeks then just told people as and when we saw them. I'm now 34 weeks and haven't posted anything on Facebook and no bump pictures either.

I'll probably do a Facebook post when little one's here safely but not before. For me my reluctance had been more due you the fact that it took me nearly 2 years to conceive and I found Facebook pregnancy announcements and scan and bump pics quite difficult to deal with in that time. I've got a few mates who are struggling with infertility at the moment and while they know I'm pregnant and are happy for me, the fact I found Facebook updates difficult to deal with means I'm not going to do them. There's not anything wrong with people doing them but I'd feel a hypocrite doing them myself

AprilShowers16 · 26/12/2015 22:57

OP I'm exactly the same as you (except I'm 10 weeks) and really wished could have had the scan before Xmas so could have done the same as you suggested with a card. Am a private person and don't enjoy a lot of attention - I had a miscarriage earlier in the year and so feel very nervous and uncertain - hopefully that will go if we have a successful 12 weeks scan but I think I'm always going to feel sensitive talking about it to people. Definitely no big fb announcements. I'm the same with my parents, close to them and know they'll be excited but not bffs and often a bit emotionally awkward! Definitely just going to tell them over the phone and just say the words and try to avoid too much discussion. That being said I don't want to ruin it for them and so will prob have to suck some of my weirdness up!

Ragwort · 26/12/2015 23:04

Eminado - I know, it sounds ridiculous but when I congratulated her and asked when the baby was due - she gave a date that was practically nine months away.

bittapitta · 27/12/2015 00:00

Think about it another way OP - would you or DP want your respective parents to know if you had a miscarriage? It actually helped us a lot to have our parents' support when I miscarried at 11 weeks. We'd told them i was pregant at around 5/6 weeks, unexpected for them given our life circumstances. Why keep it from them? Obviously we didn't announce it to many other people that soon though.

Junosmum · 27/12/2015 00:10

Nitrate- that's exactly why I didn't tell them. I wouldn't have wanted them to know in the event of a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage a few years ago, I didn't tell my parents at the time and was very happy with that decision. OH told his and we both still feel that was odd and wish we hadn't. Obviously people feel differently, but I'm much happier people not knowing such things.

Junosmum · 27/12/2015 00:11

Nitrate! Should have been bitta, stupid autocorrect!

Wombat87 · 27/12/2015 00:16

Bitta the reason that I wouldn't tell them, is like mentioned before, we are close in our own way but we don't have that dynamic. If I'm honest, no I wouldn't want their support or anything like that. Not ungratefully, but in a self preservation way. I've been through some things before, and I've hated having to explain what's going wrong.

If God forbid something happened, I wouldn't want to have to make that phone call, or talk it through. And my parents would want to talk about it. I wouldn't want the expectation of trying again or sympathy. I would just like to deal with it in mine and DP's own way, and try and move on. This isn't a planned pregnancy. We wouldn't try again any time soon. I appreciate that some people lean on their families for emotional support. It's just not the way I work.

The idea of sharing before we're out of the safety of trimester one is making me anxious already.

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Wombat87 · 27/12/2015 00:19

Step away you're not my best mate are you? She's the exact same weeks as you I think and also won't announce until little one has arrived safely. They had issues earlier on and we're cautious, however she's now said its pointless to announce it now so close to Due date so they'll wait.

Thank you all for your responses. Whilst it doesn't help me deal with how to do it, I at least don't feel alone in being like it!!!

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bittapitta · 27/12/2015 00:23

That is very understandable and good that you've thought it through that way then OP. I can see where you are coming from, it sounds very reasoned.

The early scan you mentioned should help you decide how comfortable you are telling DPs mum before she heads home. I told myself week after week in subsequent pregnancies that it was making it more and more "likely" so an early scan + a few more weeks might make you happier to tell her.

All the best OP, it is a whirlwind of emotions and decisions!

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Bellyrub1980 · 27/12/2015 00:23

I really built it up in my head and (even though I was 34 and in a happy LTR) was very nervous about reactions. So much so that I told everyone at 14 weeks over the phone besides my parents who I told face to face, also at 14 weeks.

Now, looking back, it was such a tiny aspect/memory in an entire pregnancy. My baby is now 1 and I realise how I told people is completely irrelevant, she makes herself very well known now!!

Bellyrub1980 · 27/12/2015 00:25

We told DP's parents over Skype BTW. They live abroad. That was probably the nicest one for me as it was face to face but a bit 'protected'

Wombat87 · 27/12/2015 00:40

Yep I have one on Tuesday to look for a heartbeat. The next one is in February which is after MIL leaves. AIBU to not want him to tell her before the big 12 weeks???

I'm in the mindset of 'the only thing that matters is baby is safe and I'm comfortable'. Maybe it's wrong of me to be like that. But i can't consider everyone and keep everyone happy. Right now, having had her here 1 week already, and then having her back another 10days before she leaves for 'home' for a year... Plus having had all my lot and his family over and hosting Christmas.... I just want to be a bit selfish and do this my way for the tentative first trimester. If she gets told, then I'll feel I should tell my side. And it goes against what I want massively.

Feel free to call me out on this. Probably won't change my mind but at least I'll see other points of views

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