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Pregnancy

MIL bump rubbing and calling me a vehicle

31 replies

ammature · 26/12/2015 13:42

So yesterday we went to visit my DH's extended family. We normally have Christmas Day just us too so call around for gift exchange etc. my DH is an only child and in his 40s so I understand his parents are super excited about having a grandchild. Also my mum is dead and my family are all in Ireland so it can be hard. So my MIL has taken to rubbing my bump now which is quite big I'm 34 weeks. I didn't mind that much before as she is excited but yesterday she rubbed the bump before even saying hello to me at the door. She then would rub it when ever I was just sitting there feeling it myself to the point where I actually said oh don't rub because my skin feels stingy. She then showed everyone our scans pic (they have already seen them) and also made everyone smell my new perfume. It was just a bit silly. Anyways my issue is my husband was saying goodbye to her I was in the car and she said something like take Care of the vehicle. He was like what? She said the vehicle for the precious cargo. Thankfully my husband said she's not a vehicle she's my wife and she just laughed it off but I feel a bit insulted now. They are coming round today how do I handle it if she starts rubbing the bump again which I'm not in the mood for?

OP posts:

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Arfarfanarf · 26/12/2015 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/12/2015 13:46

Pick her hand up and move it away, say please don't rub my tummy. I find it annoying. Simple as.

ammature · 26/12/2015 13:50

I guess I haven't said no to her before so perhaps I should be polite at first. . . Am I over reacting about the vehicle thing? Please say I'm not the only person who finds it weird.

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flanjabelle · 26/12/2015 13:50

I understand you don't want to hurt her feelings so I would go with saying that as you are so big now, the skin is really stretched and sensitive and its not pleasant to be rubbed. No feelings hurt. and they stop fucking touching you.

ammature · 26/12/2015 13:57

That's really good advice I'll use the skin as an excuse ugh I just feel like I'm a surrogate the way she spoke about me.

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JassyRadlett · 26/12/2015 14:00

And yes, the vehicle comment is fucking appalling. She basically described you as an object, with her interest in you solely about what's in your uterus.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 26/12/2015 14:03

The vehicle thing is awful. You're a fucking human being, not an "incubator" or a "vehicle" or a "vessel" or any other ridiculous thing people want to call you. My DM said something similar about me early on in pregnancy. It's just de-humanising, like the "precious cargo" matters more than you do. Ugh.

ovenchips · 26/12/2015 14:03

Chin up, I'm sure she doesn't think of you as a surrogate, she is just focusing on her future grandchild. A grandchild is a lot more exciting to a grandparent than a DIL in my experience.

ammature · 26/12/2015 14:04

Thanks Jassy thankfully my husband jumped on her. He was really annoyed and challenged it straight away. The thing is I don't think she is nasty just totally stupid. We are both worried about them being over bearing with the baby too.

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RJnomore1 · 26/12/2015 14:06

Are you absolutely sure she didn't mean the actual vehicle ie the car and was telling him to drive carefully?

ammature · 26/12/2015 14:09

No I checked that. She said ammature is the vehicle holding the precious cargo or something to that effect.

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RJnomore1 · 26/12/2015 14:13

indeed.

FishWithABicycle · 26/12/2015 14:25

She owes you a sincere apology. What a bitch. Glad to hear your DH is going to stand up to her. Awful MILs (which thank the Lord I don't have one of) only become a serious problem if the son chooses their mum over their wife.

Cel982 · 26/12/2015 14:29

People get ridiculously excited about their first grandchild. Ridiculously. What she said was silly and a bit rude, but I doubt she meant any harm. Tell her politely to stop touching your bump, and try to let the other stuff roll off you.

Elledouble · 26/12/2015 14:33

My bump was really dry and stretchy and sore when I was heavily pregnant. I'd definitely try to use that as an excuse!

I think probably, in a misguided, annoying way, she's probably just trying to show her excitement about her new grandchild. Doesn't mean you have to just allow it though.

Junosmum · 26/12/2015 15:07

Your husband handled it well (as did you). I'd hate that. It's like you aren't important anymore except as a vessel for the child.

Good to nip it in the bud now, she'll be hell once baby is here.

I also thoroughly recommend that you don't tell her you've gone in to labor until AFTER baby is here and you are feeling a tiny bit human.

mrsjskelton · 26/12/2015 15:26

I think she clearly loves you to bits and needs a gentle talking to X

Champagneformyrealfriends · 26/12/2015 17:11

I woke up in the night because DH was rubbing my stomach and it really really irritated me so I sat up, pulled my tshirt right down and turned over in a gtfo me kind of way. And he's my husband. I think I'd want to claw mils eyes out if she started rubbing my bump. You're not a genies lamp tell her to get off you if it happens again!!

brookeberry · 27/12/2015 08:56

champagne I love the genie's lamp analogy! Isn't it weird how people react to the bump? And I detest 'precious cargo'. I know people are just excited but I have had moments, even with DH who I know loves me completely, when I feel I have become separate/secondary to what's happening in the belly. I guess it is pretty amazing.

ammature I'm really glad your DH responded so well to that - you will be a good team if MIL gets too much once the baby is here!

Dipankrispaneven · 27/12/2015 09:07

You're right to worry about how she will be when the baby arrives if she's behaving like this now. You will need to lay down ground rules from the start.

ReggaeShark · 27/12/2015 09:10

I hear alarm bells ringing OP. Start to set firm boundaries now. How far away does she live? Make sure she knows how soon after birth you will accept visitors.

ammature · 27/12/2015 10:10

I agree about the boundaries. My husband has huge concerns about this and is more stressed then I am about the over involvement. He's an only child and found it hard growing up and now it must be like her chance again or something weird. They are in their 70s but fairly energetic. Anyways yesterday she went for the rub straight away and I said oh please don't it's very uncomfortable today and she stopped. Looked a little shocked. But she didn't go for it again. I felt really bad as she bought me some really expensive Christmas presents and I know she loves me to bits also. Like she said if it weren't for you ... I said well and DH! Any tips on boundary setting? DH is particularly worried about them criticising his parenting style undermining him etc.

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DimlowChips · 27/12/2015 10:46

I am finding my, normally lovely, MIL is getting too touchy as B-day nears. I'm 39+4 and was having bad back pains yesterday (still getting them this morning!). I took myself out of everyone's way as I couldn't stand being near anyone but she found me. A quick and blunt 'don't touch me!' did the trick

She still scuttled off to get DH, who was given the same treatment when he went in for a back rub that I really didn't want

You just need to be pretty straight with people when they think they're being nice but are actually in danger of maiming or death!

Good luck

Spock27 · 27/12/2015 11:34

ammature it sounds like she's just really excited and it all comes from a good place but it is important to set boundaries now as you might not have the opportunity to when the new one arrives. I got my dm a book on bering a granny and it contains a section on not interfering or stepping on toes. There are quite a few on amazon, could be a nice and diplomatic way to teach her that she's not the parent anymore.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 27/12/2015 12:04

You're entitled to personal space-that doesn't change just because you're pregnant! I think that's the issue really-pregnant women's bodies are considered public property in a lot of ways. It's dreadful really, considering how uncomfortable and unused to their bodies a lot of pregnant women can be. I'm sure she means well, but it doesn't make your feelings any less valid. Xx

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