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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

OH can't attend 20 week scan

42 replies

LouLou030783 · 19/12/2015 23:16

Basically he helps run a family business and when my 20 weeks scan is, his parents are on holiday which we didn't realise until tonight, this therefore means that he will be unable to attend the scan.

I offered to change it and he said he's honestly ok with not going and plus he doesn't want to know the gender whereas I do so he said it might be better if he isn't there. My other 2 children shall be attending the scan as they are on a school break that week.

But now I feel like a total dilemma I feel like he should be asking me to change it but I also understand his reasons for not being too bothered if that's the right word to be used

Opinions please

OP posts:

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dontpokethebear · 19/12/2015 23:20

I think the question is, do you want him to be there?
Will it not be hard to keep the gender a secret if your dc are there too?
My husband only came to my 12 week scan, work commitments meant he couldn't attend the others.

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IdaClair · 19/12/2015 23:40

Without wanting to worry you, the 20 week scan is an anomaly scan, a medical procedure specifically looking for problems with your unborn baby and internal structures.

I would always want support at such a scan.

I would check if children are allowed to attend, I had to get a special pass to let my child attend once, so I am not against children attending - but I was on fortnightly scans at that point and no anomalies had been picked up prior.

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OwlinaTree · 19/12/2015 23:48

My dh missed my 12 week for our first child, he was working abroad. Life happens sometimes. Could you bring your mum or a friend for support?

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bittapitta · 19/12/2015 23:53

I think it is a bad idea for your other children to attend... Can you at least find childcare for them? A friend or one of their friend's parents?

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Scarydinosaurs · 19/12/2015 23:57

Do not bring your other children.

At my 20 week scan we were told about possible problems with DD2, 12 week scan had been fine, it was a total shock.

I left the scan holding back sobbing tears, having to walk through the waiting room of mothers all looking at me in pity, all feeling relieved that they weren't me.

I'm so pleased I didn't bring my daughter with me. No child should see that.

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Katarzyna79 · 19/12/2015 23:57

well I'm in the same boat my husband is going on business and making into a holiday. You're lucky you can take your kids, I cant take mine no kids allowed in, so I probably wont be able to attend.

I say you go with your kids as planned or if your oh has offered to babysit leave them and go alone or take a friend with you? Your oh could go and they could disclose gender to you with him outside if that's the issue for him.

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LouLou030783 · 20/12/2015 00:02

My daughter is just desperate to be at the scan she's also desperate to find out the gender I can't absolutely get childcare for them no probs I just thought it would be nice for them to attend,I didn't even think about the fact there could be any issues it never even factored I suppose. the OH won't even be able to get away from work to attend, I'm ok with him not attending as I understand the reasons why.

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LouLou030783 · 20/12/2015 00:02

I meant I can absolutely get childcare for them not cant**

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bittapitta · 20/12/2015 00:04

You are being naive, please don't take your other children. It's a medical appt aka "anomaly scan" (not primarily designed to find out the sex!)

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Postchildrenpregranny · 20/12/2015 00:09

I had an early (10week) scan in one pregnancy ,to check my dates .No reason to suppose anything wrong but there was no heart beat .I was alone .It was horrible .I would not take your children -it's not an outing -and I would take someone for support ,

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LouLou030783 · 20/12/2015 00:15

I resent the fact that u feel I'm being naive as I'm far from it as I said I just completely forgot about the fact they will be looking for problems, I know at this I may not even be able to find out the gender.

I obviously just did not think about the fact that their could be issues so therefore didn't see the issue with the children attending.

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ALongTimeComing · 20/12/2015 00:21

Why don't you think about booking a private scan if you think it's important for your DH to be there? The NHS 20 week scan is really important because it's the anomaly scan can highlight serious problems but I did also think it helped my DH bond with the baby too, which is also important. If you just want a basic 2d scan you can get them private from about £40.

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1frenchfoodie · 20/12/2015 03:18

Why not see if you can change given lack of childcare as much as OH absence. My OH couldn't make it to the 20wk scan and I was fine with that but you don't seem to be - plus you have realised you can't take the kids.

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1frenchfoodie · 20/12/2015 03:49

Sorry - just seen you can get childcare. So that is solved. So it is really up to you as to whether OH attending with you is sufficiently important to try to reschedule or get private scan. Has he registered that this is a an 'anomaly' scan and you could be alone getting bad news?

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Fugghetaboutit · 20/12/2015 05:05

I went alone as h was abroad. Children aren't allowed to attend the 20 week at my hosp

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SueGeneris · 20/12/2015 05:14

Anomalies were found at my 20 week scan with DC3. I was on my own and it was horrible. I definitely wouldn't bring the other DC although I do hope you have no problems.

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GoApeShit · 20/12/2015 06:13

Definitely arrange childcare. As others have said, a 20 week scan is not the place for siblings. Our hospital specifically states on the scan appointment letter that children are not permitted to attend.

On a side note (sort of), how's it going to work with you knowing the gender and your DH not? Are you good at keeping secrets?!

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BettyBi0 · 20/12/2015 06:19

Please don't take your children to the anomaly scan. No child should experience that stress and upset if God forbid something was detected.

I had to attend mine alone last week as DP was looking after our toddler due to childcare not working out. I felt fine about going alone in advance but when I was in the waiting room full of other couples I felt a bit stressed and lonely. Silly really. Anyway, scan was good but I still sobbed like a baby and I think a child might find that all quite tricky. Big complicated emotions around pregnancy innit

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/12/2015 06:49

It's pretty naive to 'forget' they are looking for anomalies (health problems) at a scan
Of course you shouldn't take children, of course you should rearrange it so your husband can be there if possible. You should also remind your husband they are looking for issues and if there are any it might be helpful if he was there to support you?!
It's not a scan to find out the sex. They may not even be able to tell you.

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caker · 20/12/2015 07:13

Could be close the business for an hour so he can attend?

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HelenaJustina · 20/12/2015 07:18

My DH came to relatively few of my scans due to work commitments, I know he felt bad the first couple of times but after that it was less of a big deal to me. I didn't take alternative support as I didn't want to share good/bad news with anyone until I was ready.

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eurochick · 20/12/2015 08:07

I'm another one who had a problem discovered at the 20 weeks scan after a completely normal 12 week scan. My husband was there and I was glad he was. I don't think having older children there is a good idea. You could always book a private scan later for the other children to see the baby once the anomaly scan is done.

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LouLou030783 · 20/12/2015 08:21

I think booking a private scan is they way forward so he can see again and so that the dc can

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sepa · 20/12/2015 08:58

I personally wanted my OH to attend both scans but this is my first.
I would see if a close family member can attend with you just incase something is found.
I would check your letter as to who can attend. I was only allowed 2 people with me so if you bought both children this may not leave room for someone else to come.
I also liked that I didn't have to drive to and from but I have total pregnancy paranoia so was convinced they would find something wrong

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HappyInL0nd0n · 20/12/2015 09:47

Hi LouLou, I think some people are being a little unkind. Particularly as it's your 3rd child (and I'm assuming you had no hitches with the other two), it's easy to assume that all your check ups will be either uneventful, or simply nice opportunities to see your little one on screen, hear the heartbeat, all that good stuff...

Just to add my experience to the mix. My husband came along to the 20 week scan with me. No issues, but they couldn't get a clear picture of the heart as the baby was all curled up. They could hear the heartbeat and all seemed perfect - the baby just wouldn't play ball and pose for a picture. I was scheduled for another scan a week later, which I said to my husband he shouldn't even bother attending - it was just going to be a formality after all, right?

Well, again, they couldn't see the heart and this time, everyone seemed just a bit more serious. They gave me a referral to a fetal cardiologist at Great Ormond Street hospital. I walked out of that room and had to sit, in tears on my own, in a room full of 20 other pregnant ladies looking at me while they fixed up the appointment. Thankfully, all was well and the referral appointment went perfectly, but I would recommend bringing your partner with you, if possible, and I wouldn't bring children old enough to understand what's going on into those anomaly scans.

Best of luck to you and yours for a healthy, happy scan. And a private scan for the kids to see after you know all is good sounds like a brilliant day out.

Happy Christmas. x