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OH can't attend 20 week scan

(43 Posts)
LouLou030783 Sat 19-Dec-15 23:16:48

Basically he helps run a family business and when my 20 weeks scan is, his parents are on holiday which we didn't realise until tonight, this therefore means that he will be unable to attend the scan.

I offered to change it and he said he's honestly ok with not going and plus he doesn't want to know the gender whereas I do so he said it might be better if he isn't there. My other 2 children shall be attending the scan as they are on a school break that week.

But now I feel like a total dilemma I feel like he should be asking me to change it but I also understand his reasons for not being too bothered if that's the right word to be used

Opinions please

dontpokethebear Sat 19-Dec-15 23:20:06

I think the question is, do you want him to be there?
Will it not be hard to keep the gender a secret if your dc are there too?
My husband only came to my 12 week scan, work commitments meant he couldn't attend the others.

IdaClair Sat 19-Dec-15 23:40:32

Without wanting to worry you, the 20 week scan is an anomaly scan, a medical procedure specifically looking for problems with your unborn baby and internal structures.

I would always want support at such a scan.

I would check if children are allowed to attend, I had to get a special pass to let my child attend once, so I am not against children attending - but I was on fortnightly scans at that point and no anomalies had been picked up prior.

OwlinaTree Sat 19-Dec-15 23:48:04

My dh missed my 12 week for our first child, he was working abroad. Life happens sometimes. Could you bring your mum or a friend for support?

bittapitta Sat 19-Dec-15 23:53:29

I think it is a bad idea for your other children to attend... Can you at least find childcare for them? A friend or one of their friend's parents?

Scarydinosaurs Sat 19-Dec-15 23:57:11

Do not bring your other children.

At my 20 week scan we were told about possible problems with DD2, 12 week scan had been fine, it was a total shock.

I left the scan holding back sobbing tears, having to walk through the waiting room of mothers all looking at me in pity, all feeling relieved that they weren't me.

I'm so pleased I didn't bring my daughter with me. No child should see that.

Katarzyna79 Sat 19-Dec-15 23:57:26

well I'm in the same boat my husband is going on business and making into a holiday. You're lucky you can take your kids, I cant take mine no kids allowed in, so I probably wont be able to attend.

I say you go with your kids as planned or if your oh has offered to babysit leave them and go alone or take a friend with you? Your oh could go and they could disclose gender to you with him outside if that's the issue for him.

LouLou030783 Sun 20-Dec-15 00:02:20

My daughter is just desperate to be at the scan she's also desperate to find out the gender I can't absolutely get childcare for them no probs I just thought it would be nice for them to attend,I didn't even think about the fact there could be any issues it never even factored I suppose. the OH won't even be able to get away from work to attend, I'm ok with him not attending as I understand the reasons why.

LouLou030783 Sun 20-Dec-15 00:02:45

I meant I can absolutely get childcare for them not cant**

bittapitta Sun 20-Dec-15 00:04:08

You are being naive, please don't take your other children. It's a medical appt aka "anomaly scan" (not primarily designed to find out the sex!)

Postchildrenpregranny Sun 20-Dec-15 00:09:39

I had an early (10week) scan in one pregnancy ,to check my dates .No reason to suppose anything wrong but there was no heart beat .I was alone .It was horrible .I would not take your children -it's not an outing -and I would take someone for support ,

LouLou030783 Sun 20-Dec-15 00:15:09

I resent the fact that u feel I'm being naive as I'm far from it as I said I just completely forgot about the fact they will be looking for problems, I know at this I may not even be able to find out the gender.

I obviously just did not think about the fact that their could be issues so therefore didn't see the issue with the children attending.

ALongTimeComing Sun 20-Dec-15 00:21:29

Why don't you think about booking a private scan if you think it's important for your DH to be there? The NHS 20 week scan is really important because it's the anomaly scan can highlight serious problems but I did also think it helped my DH bond with the baby too, which is also important. If you just want a basic 2d scan you can get them private from about £40.

1frenchfoodie Sun 20-Dec-15 03:18:34

Why not see if you can change given lack of childcare as much as OH absence. My OH couldn't make it to the 20wk scan and I was fine with that but you don't seem to be - plus you have realised you can't take the kids.

1frenchfoodie Sun 20-Dec-15 03:49:26

Sorry - just seen you can get childcare. So that is solved. So it is really up to you as to whether OH attending with you is sufficiently important to try to reschedule or get private scan. Has he registered that this is a an 'anomaly' scan and you could be alone getting bad news?

Fugghetaboutit Sun 20-Dec-15 05:05:53

I went alone as h was abroad. Children aren't allowed to attend the 20 week at my hosp

SueGeneris Sun 20-Dec-15 05:14:27

Anomalies were found at my 20 week scan with DC3. I was on my own and it was horrible. I definitely wouldn't bring the other DC although I do hope you have no problems.

GoApeShit Sun 20-Dec-15 06:13:04

Definitely arrange childcare. As others have said, a 20 week scan is not the place for siblings. Our hospital specifically states on the scan appointment letter that children are not permitted to attend.

On a side note (sort of), how's it going to work with you knowing the gender and your DH not? Are you good at keeping secrets?!

BettyBi0 Sun 20-Dec-15 06:19:40

Please don't take your children to the anomaly scan. No child should experience that stress and upset if God forbid something was detected.

I had to attend mine alone last week as DP was looking after our toddler due to childcare not working out. I felt fine about going alone in advance but when I was in the waiting room full of other couples I felt a bit stressed and lonely. Silly really. Anyway, scan was good but I still sobbed like a baby and I think a child might find that all quite tricky. Big complicated emotions around pregnancy innit

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 20-Dec-15 06:49:25

It's pretty naive to 'forget' they are looking for anomalies (health problems) at a scan
Of course you shouldn't take children, of course you should rearrange it so your husband can be there if possible. You should also remind your husband they are looking for issues and if there are any it might be helpful if he was there to support you?!
It's not a scan to find out the sex. They may not even be able to tell you.

caker Sun 20-Dec-15 07:13:37

Could be close the business for an hour so he can attend?

HelenaJustina Sun 20-Dec-15 07:18:03

My DH came to relatively few of my scans due to work commitments, I know he felt bad the first couple of times but after that it was less of a big deal to me. I didn't take alternative support as I didn't want to share good/bad news with anyone until I was ready.

eurochick Sun 20-Dec-15 08:07:26

I'm another one who had a problem discovered at the 20 weeks scan after a completely normal 12 week scan. My husband was there and I was glad he was. I don't think having older children there is a good idea. You could always book a private scan later for the other children to see the baby once the anomaly scan is done.

LouLou030783 Sun 20-Dec-15 08:21:40

I think booking a private scan is they way forward so he can see again and so that the dc can

sepa Sun 20-Dec-15 08:58:55

I personally wanted my OH to attend both scans but this is my first.
I would see if a close family member can attend with you just incase something is found.
I would check your letter as to who can attend. I was only allowed 2 people with me so if you bought both children this may not leave room for someone else to come.
I also liked that I didn't have to drive to and from but I have total pregnancy paranoia so was convinced they would find something wrong

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