Stressing about how much life's about to change(16 Posts)
I'm 37 weeks pregnant in a great relationship. Me and my husband have been together 11 years (married for 1) and are in our late 20s / early 30s. We have recently moved into a house we only dreamt of and baby was planned and we're cert excited.
At this late stage, I've suddenly become massively stressed about how much life is about to change.
We get in so well and constantly laugh and joke around. He is like my best friend.
I just cannot imagine life with a baby there! We're so used to it being the two of us. I keep thinking that things are so good this baby will end up ruining us.
I just can't relax, I feel so anxious and worried that we'll grow to resent each other.
Are these feelings normal? And did you find that a baby changed your relationship for the worst?
I am so grateful for what I have and I hate feeling like this
Its the fear of the unknown, It will be wonderful, the minute your baby looks into your eyes is breathtaking, you will be ok x
I'd say it's perfectly normal to feel like this! I remember worrying about just the same things before DS came along, and I actually now think it's quite healthy. Hopefully it's something you'll both be mindful of as you embark on your new journey into parenthood and that way you'll not forget to make time for each other, to share the highs and lows and to be kind to one another. Yes it'll be different and perhaps a little all consuming to begin with, but once you've got the measure of baby, you'll settle into your new roles as parents and it'll be a wonderful experience for you to share. Just don't forget to keep talking! X
No advice but similar situation as I've been with OH 10 years and we have a great relationship. I wake up most nights panicking and can't shake the feeling of doom!
Hopefully it will be amazing, I'm expecting the worst and then if it's any good I will be pleasantly surprised
It sounds like you will make a really great team! Things change but before long there is a new "normal". Always keep talking, tell him how you feel now, talk about how you're both feeling post-baby, laugh about stuff then, find things to do you enjoy. I hated people saying to me during my mat leave that we should go for dinner, the cinema etc, as if itd be the last time for 30 years! That's rubbish of course. We were in a similar position to what you describe and we are still a brilliant couple togrther, the baby never put a strain on our relationship, but generally looking after children and fitting in life stuff (work etc) has made for a busy few years! Like I said, it's a new normal
My DH and I were very like you and your DH. When our DS was born our relationship was shaken to its very core - it was the single biggest thing to deal with. It was very, very hard and I know most of my friends experienced similar.
A newborn takes up a lot of time, you have less sleep and lots of hormones. I'm a stubborn person so never ask for help and as I was ebf my DH never really offered.
It was very difficult for about 4-5 months but now (DS is just 14 months) it is perfect again. DH is an amazing father and DS loves him.
Please be prepared, it may not be the same for you, but no one prepared me for this and it was so hard. It does get better and easier.
Ps. I am pregnant again so it has t put us off!!!
Good luck, I hope I didn't scare you!
Oh I remember those last few weeks... I felt like I was in a tunnel and a train was about to hit us. I was so scared, DH too. We went out with friends every day between 39wk and 40+5. We cuddled in bed. We laughed a lot. Talked about how we would share duties and house chores. And then it hit us...
And everything was perfectly fine. We were still the same people. But we turned into a fantastic team coping with everything thrown at us. We admire each other so much. Even though we have a non sleeper who could still feed 12 times a day at 1yo, we are more in love than before, more together. We do talk a lot, often to say how hard it is and to acknowledge little things ("you changed that diaper and I was able to pee alone, it made my day thank you"). We have accepted it'll take a few years, we're rolling with it. I sometimes want to murder him though. But in the grand scheme of things...
Oh and sometimes we take a babysitter and go and do tequila shots in a pub and snog. Of course we regret it the minute we get home.
"I hated people saying to me during my mat leave that we should go for dinner, the cinema etc, as if itd be the last time for 30 years" - Bitta, I'm guessing you have support from family and friends?
Because for a lot of us, cinema and restaurants are indeed very much a thing of the past once babies come along (not for 30 years, but for a year or so, definitely!)
If you don't have babysitters nearby, you can't go to the cinema. And while you can take a baby to a restaurant, it's not the same as going just the two of you without any responsibilities.
I wish I'd been more prepared for how much things would change. In retrospect, I would:
1) Be kinder to myself and go with the flow, rather than putting on the pressure to be a thin, fit, mother of a perfectly content baby in a clean and tidy house. Because it's hard!
2) Communicate better with DH, rather than allowing resentment to build. This time around, if I'm annoyed that he's not getting up as much as I am with the baby, or not doing his share of housework, I'll tell him straight away rather than stewing on it til I explode in tears
3) Realise that things will change, but possibly for the better. Our relationship is stronger and happier now DS is here. yes, we have less time for ourselves, but DH is a fantastic father and that makes me love him even more. And the rare time we do get to ourselves - we've left DS overnight three times in three years - is just brilliant.
Yes it's different and for most people it's hard, but for DH and I having DS just made everything much better. I honestly think we're both nicer, more tolerant, more loving and more patient people now!
What the previous poster has said about the 'new normal' is spot on and you adapt to it very quickly. When my younger brother had a baby (a few years before us) his biggest piece of advice was try not to kill each other in the first two weeks when you are both exhausted and emotional and work as a team. We felt like we hardly saw each other for the first couple of months but it passed pretty quickly and once baby started going to bed at a normal time and we got our evenings back, that made a massive difference.
We were exactly the same. It was bloody hard for the first six to seven months as we adjusted to the lack of freedom and responsibility. We argued more in that first year than ever before or since! We accepted we were both knackered and harassed and that we needed to vent-we didn't view it as the end of our marriage, or as disrespectful etc. we tried to support each other by giving the other one a break as often as possible.
We did also have loads of fun and enjoyed the portability of a non moving baby and maternity leave.
That's all really helpful and I appreciate everyone's honest opinions.
I think I'm just going to remind myself that it is what it is, and only us 2 can decide how well we'll get on once baby arrives.
I think I'm starting to mentally prepare myself for the hard times to come especially for the first few months, but when I try and discuss it with my husband he just says "we'll be fine" and doesn't seem to acknowledge that we are about to be tested on a massive scale. I thought the NCT classes would be a wake up call but he is very optimistic and always sees the best in everything. Normally that would be fine but I don't want him to end up resenting me because he's not thought about it and therefore isn't expecting it!
Thanks again, I do feel better knowing I'm not the only one who has been stressing over this :-)
I didn't really consider that aspect of it until after I'd had my first and I was utterly shell shocked for about the first year...I love my son but I mourned the loss of my previous life something terribly.
Now I'm pregnant again and I'm totally at one with my life - it's a "new normal" but I hope having a 2nd doesn't throw it all into turmoil again!
ALR I think it is healthy to be a little scared - it makes you think about what's going to happen and to prepare.
I'm 23 weeks with our first DC1 and already I'm sharing my thoughts with DH - we are now talking regularly about what the reality might be and are both reading the First Time Parenting book. We too are the type of couple who spend a lot of time alone, laughing a lot and probably being completely self-indulgent! But I do think the length of a pregnancy does make you both start to evolve into parents. I see this as a huge change/adventure that we are doing TOGETHER - we realise it will be tough at times, but we both want it.
You are lucky that you and your DH are in love and on the same page - you will be fine - but I think the more we share our feelings with each other, the better and the stronger we'll be.
What I was unprepared for is how fiercely protective I'd be of my dd. I didn't let dh do much with dd because I wanted her as close to me as possible. He didn't quite grasp the enormous strain that giving birth took on my body and wanted to get out and about as quickly as possible. I think those were the two biggest issues that we faced. Communication is the key. Good luck!
This is a great thread. OP I'm in the same boat, DH always very optimistic and I'm made out to be the perennial worrier! We talk together now about how little sleep we'll get and how hard the first months will be, I think we're both mentally prepared for that. But like you I'm more worried about bickering and arguing about housework sharing getting to our relationship.
I think though that it's common for men to not dwell ahead of time about the practicalities of having a baby there. The reality will hit him very quickly.
Think we have to keep reminding ourselves to be kind to each other, say thank yous and yy to not letting resentment build - I think that will be a major problem!
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